- This topic has 4 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 9 months ago by Kinny.
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December 29, 2013 at 11:06 am #47820ZenaParticipant
I spent 11 years with my now ex-partner and together we have a child, who is now 9. In 2011, he walked out on us and I moved overseas with our daughter for 10 months to get over the break up (with support from my family as we lived abroad as expats during our time together) During our absence, he made some contact with our daughter and moved his girlfriend into our shared home. But I always left the door well and truly open for him and his family to stay in contact with our daughter.
After I became stronger and felt I’d dealt with the breakup, I returned to our adopted country (I couldn’t settle in my birth country) to start again and give my daughter and him the opportunity to have a relationship. At one time after 6 months of my return, we tried getting back together as there was a lot of love between us. And I forgave him for him leaving; realising that in life people need to be given a chance and everyone messes up right?
It didnt work out between us and slowly, he started to get less interested in his daughter. He didnt pay any child support and became intolerable with way he spoke to me, whereas before it had been amicable. He saw her couple of hours a week when suited, but previously he wanted 50% parenting. I know for sure some of his behaviour was down to drug use, but he denied it and blamed everything on me for moving away after the break up. He has left a mountain of debt on our house (which he remained living in whilst I was away grieving) and I have had to move in to pay the mortgage to avoid bankruptcy.
I have asked for his help financially to support our daughter and asked him to discuss how we together can sort the debts he left behind. Instead, he has buried his head in the sand, disappeared from his daughters life and offered no emotional or financial support for her. He did call me once after 6 weeks with no contact and asked if she could stay over! I was miffed and explained that she needs consistency. He then turned it on me and said, Are you telling me I cant see my daughter! I replied that’s not what I’m saying, you have chosen not to see your daughter.
I cant actually believe that a man would see his daughter go without and treat the mother of his child this way too. He seems to have no conscious about how the financial struggles and debts are affecting our daughter. What hurts the most is that I thought I knew him, after 11 years, I thought he was my soul mate but I obviously didn’t know him at all.
I’m finding it so hard to forgive myself for letting this happen. And struggling to deal with my new label of single mum. How can someone change so dramatically and not in a positive way and how can I get over this life changing situation?
December 29, 2013 at 8:29 pm #47861KinnyParticipantZena,
I’m not sure where to start. I’m afraid that this might come off trite or off the mark, but I’m going to try anyway since no else else has responded. First of all, my heart goes out to you.
Concerning “letting this happen” it’s hard to tell at any given point what the “right” thing to do is. Perhaps other people might have seen things coming, but usually people who can recognize the signs earlier and sort their insecurities from red flags have their own previous bad choices to thank for a keen inutition. So be gentle with yourself, you were lucky that you didn’t have experiences that makes you leery of close relationships. Sometimes people stay that same, sometimes they change drastically, and sometimes we just think they are one way and don’t have the opportunity until certain circumstances arise to realize what they really are. People are people and the only thing that is garaunteed beyond a shadow of a doubt is you and faith in something if you believe in a Connection. Utlilize this experience to find distinctions and lessons that resonate, not ones that make you out to be “dumb” or him out to be “bad.” Answers like that are usually over simplified, unproductive as well as inaccurate.
For myself, when I’m in the thick of it and cannot make sense of anything I thought was truth, it helps to not try so hard to figure it out or berate myself. Instead of feeling guilty, ashamed or duped by what happened, spend every living second finding new coping mechanisms. Wild cards and curve balls are garanteed in life, so since that is unavoidable all you can do is learn what makes you feel stronger, lighter and more positive. Don’t spend any time asking “why?” and “what if?” Focus on How can you get from point A to point B and maybe in time the gentle truths will make themselves apparent. When I was in a similar situation, I could only see my situation through the lense of blame and self pity and it was quicksand. Staying productive and not focusing on figuring people out proved to be a better coping mechanism than trying to understand orthe innerworkings and motivations of someone else or agonizing over things you didn’t know at the time. Now I have clarity on people I felt sucker punched by, but it didn’t come until a good three years after the fact. Commit to being gentle and kind with yourself even when you don’t understand the reasons yet. If beating yourself up was a good way to rise to the top, I’m sure we would all be as rich as Oprah. Unfortunately you can’t shame yourself into healing or getting over things. Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know and what they are capable of at any given point in time.
Some thing to consider, even if you do not want to write about it here. Why did he walk out? Was it a character flaw or a situational stress driven choice? Either way that kind of coping mechanism is hard to deal with. You were brave to try again.
Do you think he had a point concerning moving to another country? I don’t know if he left any forwarding information for your daughter or made contact, but if he has any valid points, recognize them for what they are. Perhaps he up and left and it didn’t seem like it mattered one way or another where you were; or perhaps he’s grasping at straws to villanize you. Either way, self honesty can free up a lot of guilt or can help you logically let go of unfounded attacks.
Concerning staying over, I think it’s good that you made a distinction that he can make arranged visits without staying over.
Lastly, you mentioned that he had a drug problem, had his head in the sand and disappeared from her life. Perhaps he’s self loathing or overwhelmed, but either way he sounds like he has some avoidance issues. I’ve gotten a lot from going to Al Anon. It’s s free program that is for people who have alcoholics in their life, but It’s applicable to anyone who is close to anyone who is unpredictable, unreasonable and irresponsibile. It helped me a lot with my realtionships with people I couldn’t just cut off.
I’m also going to suggust two youtube videos I gleaned a lot from, I just need to look them up.
Bon Courage
December 29, 2013 at 8:31 pm #47862KinnyParticipantOne is EFT for anger about betrayal and unfairness by eftcoach.
The second is Metta Meditation by Sharon Salzberg.
December 30, 2013 at 12:35 am #47922ZenaParticipantHi Kinny
Thanks for your response. You’ve for sure given me something to think about. I don’t believe he is a ‘bad’ person but a changed person not in a positive way (I think there is a difference!) and mostly due to drugs and the temporary mental illness they can bring on. Somewhere deep inside is the man I once loved, I’m sure. I pray for him everyday, that he finds a way back to ‘himself’ for our daughter’s sake.
As you kindly pointed out: “Everyone is doing the best that they can with what they know and what they are capable of at any given point in time.”
I should take heed of this, as I’ve wasted nearly 2 years blaming myself for him walking out. Only to be faced with a truth 2 months ago, when he personally admitted that he had done it before! (Walked out on his first wife and child at 7 years. Went to live with another woman and didn’t make contact with his daughter for a year.) I didn’t ‘know’ his history but I do now. So I should for sure at this ‘point’ use that to move forward and away from total blame.
I’m going to take your advice seriously and stop “focusing on figuring people out” and focus on “staying productive” Avoid the “why?” and “what if?” I realise that will be better use of my energy as its in low reserves right now!
I will check out the recommendations you messaged too.
I thank you again for reaching out to me: an objective person is often the best person to help bring perspective to a situation!
December 30, 2013 at 7:24 am #47944KinnyParticipantHey Zena,
I just want to clarify that I wasn’t labeling you as dumb and him as bad. I just used those as common conclusions when something doesn’t make sense. I’m glad that you still see potential in him. For me, forgiveness has come to mean a lot of things. It’s accepting that the past cannot be different, that people are people with weaknesses/limited understanding/limited capabilites, and that people have potential as human beings even if they aren’t healthy to have in my life.
An exercise I used was to wake up each day and pretend I have amnesia and ask myself what I would be doing if my past didn’t matter. (Because it doesn’t. ) If today had all my givens (i.e. single, with a child, etc), and my objective was to make as much progress each day as possible, what would I be doing with my time? What would I be thinking about? Who wouldn’t you be thinking about?
As time passes, things start to make sense but for me it didn’t happen when I was tring to force it. Developing the skill of moving on even if you don’t have answers without villanizing yourself or him is a wonderful skill to have in life.
Wow! That is crazy that he did this before and you just found out two months ago! You just never know how things are going to unfold. Think of all that wasted energy on blaming yourself when you didn’t even have all the facts. Again, we all have limited understanding. Keep being gentle.
Good luck!
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