December 29, 2013 at 4:01 am #47805
I’m a 21 year old girl from India and I have a guy. We both study in the same university. He is doing Doctoral and I’m doing my graduation. My parents divorced when I was 9 years old as my father had an affair. Right from my childhood I have always suffered from loneliness and also suffered from major depression in the recent past due to lack of a happy family life and very little support from friends. Initially we both were Facebook friends and then started going out with each other and that is when he used to talk about his ex. He was in a relationship for nearly two years with his junior while he was doing his masters in the same place. The girl ditched him as she found some other guy from my native place financially better to be with. His was love at first sight when he saw me and eventually we got into a relationship. But things became sour when he started talking about how he spent time with her when they went to the same places that he took me to, how he helped her with studies, showing her pics to me and many such things. everyone in the university knew about them and I am very much upset about what they will think of me now. Even though I tried my best not to take these things to my heart they have very badly hurt me now and I have come to such an extent where I don’t see a point in living anymore as I am not able to forget what he did even though I can forgive. I always wanted a person who would be true to me in life unlike my dad because of which my childhood was traumatic. But I feel that there is no respect for my love and feelings from his side when he talks about that girl because as such i suffer from depression and have always felt inferior. I want this relationship but I am not able to accept his past and move on. There have been instances where he provoked me telling I can never enjoy University life like how he did. On the other hand he tries his best to keep me happy but only by re-doing all those things that he did for her in the same place for two years.My resentment is going worse day by day. I have no courage to end this relationship and at the same time I can’t get over his past.December 29, 2013 at 8:44 am #47808
To me, the problem is not his past but the way he keeps talking about it. Who in the world wouldn’t be annoyed to hear about his/her partner’s past all the time? If he did not keep talking about his past, I believe you would not be making it a problem because it wouldn’t be in front of you.
My suggestion is simple: Tell him how it makes you feel when he talks about his ex politely. An understanding person should realize his mistake and stop talking about his ex. If he is not understanding, and if he keeps talking about his ex, I think things will just get worse and your pain will grow. Do not let that happen. Talk to him and see whether he respects your feelings or not about this.
I really don’t understand how people cannot realize how it can hurt their partner when constantly talk about their exes. That’s so wrong.December 29, 2013 at 10:50 am #47819
Thanks Neil! I did talk to him a lot of times about it and everyday he assures me that he will not repeat the mistake again. Unfortunately things about her crop us between us like her pics in his laptop or her messages etc which again takes me back to the past. It’s just like I should prepare myself to face it each day even though I am happy. and to add to my worries his ex tries to contact him to collect details about me and his soft corner for her makes him reply to her. I’m seriously being pulled both ways..either to end this or just accept the shit and move on! The worst part is he does not allow me talking to other guys. I understand the possessiveness but I too need other companions to share my things with. And also sometimes the human nature wants to take revenge when things are going out of hand and that i can’t bear the pain I intentionally do things that hurt him for him to realize how it feels to get hurt by someone we love.December 29, 2013 at 7:13 pm #47840KinnyParticipant
Why does he have pics of her so readily available? How long ago did they date? How do you know about the messages? Most importantly…why is he mentioning her so much???
It sounds like they have unfinished business if she is trying to find out info about you, she is contacting him, he is tempted to reply and has old pictures of her around, and he talks about her so much. Your female intution sounds dead on from what you are describing. As long as your facts are honest, it sounds like your gut is telling your something is off and for good reason. Even someone without your past would be left doubting. It seems wise to set some reasonable boundaries and expectations if he wants to be exclusive with you.
Your jealousy and desire to take revenge is understandable, but I’m guessing that since you are on this kind of forum that you get that there is a productive way to handle uncomfortable feelings.
Good luck.December 29, 2013 at 9:33 pm #47898greeneyesParticipant
I have to say this doesn’t sound like it has anything yo do with you or your past. He is being inconsiderate of your feelings. This foes not mean he is a bad person in any way…. What it means is that you should listen to your heart. If his actions continue to hurt you after you have discussed it with him then I think it is up to you yo make th changes necessary to prevent this from happening again. You deserve someone who will treat Uighur with kindness, respect and live and I truly hope that you do not settle for anything less!December 30, 2013 at 8:48 am #47952
Suma, please never ever think of revenge or hurting someone because you were hurt. Most of the times, people do not truly realize that you are hurt but when you do something intentionally to hurt them, you become the evil one at once. They will not remember that you were hurt but they will remember that you hurt them. Believe me you wouldn’t want to be in that position. Just stay on the positive and good side but also do not refrain from expressing your feelings and opinions politely.
I think, and this is my personal honest opinion, if things stay the same, you will not be able to accept it and move on. You just can’t because it will hurt you every time it happens. And it will get more difficult to continue every time. It would hurt me if it happened to me. I can’t think of someone who wouldn’t get hurt by that.
So, the only solution to this and if you both want to continue a healthy relation, is that he should stop upsetting you with everything about his ex. You cannot control him, you can control yourself. If I were you, instead of accepting the growing pain, I would make it clear to him that it can’t continue if he keeps disturbing your (you+him) peace with his ex. Because it really can’t.December 30, 2013 at 9:32 am #47954
My worst feeling is that even to this day he never spoke a word wrong about her but when I talk about her he blames as if I have done a mistake. I can let all the resentment go but I deserve something good for not hurting him even unintentionally. Things are so deeply rooted in my heart that even if we move on in this relationship I would still consider myself inferior for all those things he has spoke about her comparing to me. He advises me to forget all those things he has spoken about the past but do any of you think that it is possible unless and until I am given a solution for it? I sometimes regret for being so truthful and loving towards him. At the end of the day he was happy with her and I am unhappy with him.December 30, 2013 at 9:56 am #47955
Suma, it is not wrong of him not to speak badly about her but it is wrong of him to keep talking about her. Although the only real solution for me is that he shall stop talking about her but if he will not stop talking about her, If I were you, I wouldn’t talk about her at all, good or bad, none. And leave him to be the only one talking about her. If you can do that, in time you will see that it will not affect you as much as it was affecting earlier.
Everyone is different. Everyone can have better things than others. But it definitely is not fair for you to be compared to anyone especially to his ex. I am not the best man in the world, I am not the richest, I am not the smartest, I am not the cutest, but do I give a sh.t? I don’t, because whoever will accept me, should accept me the way I am. And only with that person I can find happiness.
Only your heart can tell you whether you can continue like this or not.