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Letting go, overbearing mother, and some things about karma

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  • #47575
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Guys, sorry for being a bit long-winded but please read, this is something that I’ve been suppressed inside all this time and I’d really like to get over it.

    So, when I was in second grade, there was this popular girl at school, let’s call her Lisa. She came from one of the richest and most prominent families in town. We all knew about it. Her mom was a nasty bitch. She was this overbearing hausfrau who couldn’t care less about other kids and spoiled Lisa rotten, I almost felt sorry for her brother. She treated Lisa like a princess and made sure everyone did, too. She never really liked me for some reason. I liked her dad, though. I remember he was friendly and gentle.

    One day after school, we were waiting for her chauffeur to pick us up for yet another play date. For some reason, he was late. I then casually said what if we walked to her house. It was extremely far but we were these two little kids who for better or worse, didn’t know any better. We figured we could talk all the way and that just sounded fun so she agreed. I remember how thrilled we were when we got to ask the traffic police to help us cross the street like we often saw on TV, we giggled, we talked, it was really a fun journey.

    And then we reached her house.

    There were a group of people gathered outside her house. Her mom went completely hysterical. Lisa, who had been okay all this time, suddenly started crying. Everyone was looking at me like I was this little monster. Her mom didn’t even want to look at me. Lisa also suddenly forgot that I was there. Everybody then acted like I wasn’t there and gave me the cold shoulder, me, a second grader!

    I was left all alone for the rest of the evening. I remember sitting all alone in their living room, too afraid to ask for water even though I was so thirsty from having been walking all day. I was also very hungry. One of their maids finally took pity on me. She asked whether there was someone I could call. I called my mom at work and she had to get one of her colleagues to pick me up.

    That nasty bitch called my mom the next day. She didn’t tell me what she said but I remember that bitch gave her an earful and my mom just politely apologized the whole time. The next day at school, Lisa and I were summoned to the teachers’ lounge. No doubt her mom made a stink there, too. One of the teachers then lectured me about what I did was wrong (which was what, exactly?!) and told me I had to apologize to Lisa. I did just that and we shook hands witnessed by all the teacher and they all looked relieved because they just secured that year’s donation (Kidding. Not.)

    Afterwards, Lisa and I just didn’t hang out anymore. The only person who was nice the whole time was her dad who didn’t think what happened was that big a deal. He even asked me why I never came to his house again when later I had to call Lisa and he happened to pick up.

    This happened some 20+ years ago but I still can’t let go of it. I hate Lisa for not sticking up for me. I never forced her into doing anything, she sold me in a heartbeat yet people still thought of her as this angelic little princess who needed to be taken care of like fragile porcelain.

    I hate her mom. It was pretty clear that nasty bitch blamed me for the whole thing and nobody dared to knock some sense into her. How could an adult hate on a second grader? What the fuck is wrong with you?! I hate all the supposed ‘adults’ in this story; the teachers, the principal who cared more about keeping some people happy at the expense of others.

    I hate how my mom got to endure the holier-than-thou speech from Lisa’s mom, it’s so unfair for her. It wasn’t her fault, she didn’t do anything.

    I hate how few years ago I chanced upon Lisa’s Facebook (okay, I searched for it) and she still lives happily in blissful ignorance. Her mom is still as overbearing as ever but Lisa seems okay with it. She lives in this safe bubble where her mom curates every aspect of her life to perfection. Seemingly, there was never a falling-out from their blatant self-important attitude.

    I know a mother is supposed to champion her own children but to what extent? Where is the limit? I was also still a kid, a second grader, how come no one worried for me? What makes Lisa so special that it is not okay for her to experience hardship yet for others it’s perfectly fine? How come they don’t get karma?

    • This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Priscilla.
    • This topic was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by Priscilla.
    #47584
    maureenwall
    Participant

    Hi Priscilla. I can so identify with your situation and the bitterness you still feel all these years down the line! I am now sixty two years of age and still enjoying life to the full with a mixture of young and older friends. When I was fifteen I had a very special friend named Jacqueline, much prettier than I was and always the centre of attention. We enjoyed going out together and on one occasion she met the guy she eventually married. He was jelous of our close friendship and manipulated her.
    I remember one Christmas I went round to her house with a present and minutes later she came back to mine with a present wrapped in the same paper.
    I shall never forget how mortified I was when I opened it and found my own present returned to me and I never forgave her.
    I had the opportunity of meeting her several years later when I found out her telephone number, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to phone her and when her husband died of a heart attack I still could not reach for the phone.
    I also remember another girl, very much like the so called friend you mention. This one was above her station and a bit of a rebel but we were good friends. Then when I invited her to my home she made some comments about my home and it upset me to the extent that I never forgave her either. We didn’t have much money but I was happy and contented and I felt be littled by her cruel comments. Again, I found her name on facebook and I mailed her. She made out that I had been a good friend but she was still full of her own importance, having married a barrister and I pulled her down a peg or two by posting that she hadn’t done too badly for a girl who lived in rented accommodation. She blocked me immediately but I had the last laugh.
    I often ask myself why all this matters so many years later, but I still question why genuinely decent people never get the respect they deserve and the selfish
    horrible ones seem to get on fine.
    Please see the importance of being yourself and forget about people who will never know what it is like to share true friendship or true feeling.
    You are still young and bitterness is a bad thing. Happy Christmas.

    #47590
    Mab Jones
    Participant

    Hi there,

    I really feel for you with this. I am currently going out with someone who has an overbearing mother. It’s been very difficult for me, someone who was very much left to her own devices by her own parents. Here are some points I hope might help, based on my own experiences and what you describe above…

    Firstly, to carry so much hate, for so long, is only damaging to one person – you. You need to accept this feeling for what is is and wish to transform it rather than seek revenge. Karma might never arrive for this person, nor will it help you to wish ill upon them.

    Secondly, you ask why Lisa should feel so special. Well, what does it matter! That’s her experience in this lifetime, not yours. Do *you* feel special? Perhaps if you felt that you were, you wouldn’t feel such pain at seeing someone else feel like that.

    Finally, you are asking why no-one was kind to you during that experience. I admit, it sounds very harsh. The adults around you did not behave well. But, again, the only person who can forgive things now is you. You were only a second grader? So was Lisa! Try forgiving that little girl first. Then, work on her mother, your own, and everyone else involved. Practising a loving kindness meditation would help.

    You might want to look into other ways (counselling, NLP, etc) of changing your thoughts/feelings, as to have had them for so longer might require some help from others.

    Above all, as you attempt to resolve this, be kind to yourself. You were obviously very hurt, but all wounds can be healed.

    Good luck x

    #47608
    Kinny
    Participant

    Priscilla,

    I could relate a lot to the injustice you described. First of all, I recommend Sharon Salzberg’s Metta meditation on Youtube. (That’s also what the poster above suggested, but I like this one in particular.) It’s helped me immensely with circumstances I could only go through the motions when it came to forcing forgiveness.

    Here are some things about forgiveness it took me a long time to get:

    1. Feel the feelings. Go some place where you can be uncensored and not hold back. I don’t care if it’s writing it out, screaming it out, singing it out, sobbing, whatever it takes to not stuff validated emotions.

    2. Figure out what really irks you about the situation. Is it that the adults were weak? Or that life is unfair? Or that you were wrongly blamed in the first place?
    Whatever it is, just insert it in the following, “I can be happy today even if adults can be weak. I can be happy today even if life is unfair at times. I can be happy even if I am misunderstood and blamed at times. I can be happy in this moment even if they are not sorry.”

    The fact is, that’s just stating that you can accept the past the way it was. Oprah defines forgiveness as accepting that you cannot change the past. Not that what happened was okay or fair, only that you cannot change it.

    To live otherwise is essentially to say (and unconsciously believe) “I cannot be happy unless adults are always strong, I cannot be happy in today unless life is always fair, or I cannot be happy until I am validated by everyone involved. I cannot be happy until they are sorry.”

    Logically, the former helped me see that it’s up to me to learn how to be happy, even if I cant change all of the undeserved things about the past.
    My favorite is I can be happy even if I can’t understand where they are coming from or what causes them to be that way.

    Maybe you just need to hear from someone that you didn’t deserve that. No kid deserves to be outted and humiliated. Period. You didn’t deserve that and should have been treated with fairness and understanding and protection. Unfortunately a lot of adults aren’t the pillars of strength and wisdom that we think they are as kids. Usually they have their own pressures, agendas and weaknesses that make them suseptible to making hurtful choices. That is not a reflection on your worth, just their understanding. Adopting the philosophy that everyone is doing the best that they can at any given time makes more and more sense to me the more people I get to konw in depth. I hope that you heal from this so that you can be a voice to others.

    Lastly, I read somewhere that forgiveness is not a gavel that pronounces someone innocent, but a pair of scissors that cuts away at the bond of hurt that binds you.

    Kudos to you to getting this out of your system all these years later. That takes courage.

    #47619
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Hi Maureen, thanks for sharing.

    It’s funny how we can recognize that holding a grudge is a bad thing yet we still allow ourselves to be dragged into it whenever we’re faced with a specific situation, isn’t it? I know I have to let go, move on, and Lisa and her family is now as far removed as they can be from my life but I still allow them to affect my life in some ways. I realize how pathetic that is, truly pathetic, yet sometimes I can’t help it. I’m getting there, though. I think bit by bit I’m chipping away this unbelievably unnecessary mental blocking, hopefully I can be totally free of this grudge one day.

    Happy Christmas to you, too!

    #47621
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Hi Jones,

    Yeah, I, too, was left to my own devices by my parents from an early age and I love it. They didn’t coddle me. When that nasty bitch picked Lisa up into her arms as she was crying, I remember standing there looking at them like they were weirdos. My parents stopped doing that when I entered elementary school.

    Well, I don’t really carry this hate. I mean, I don’t feel it all the time and most times I can dismiss it as something silly but then there are times where you just can’t help but mulling over this feeling of being wronged. It’s almost sado-masochistic, I know I can only feel pain and anguish from remembering what happened yet I allow myself to do that anyway. I don’t know why I do this.

    Forgiving her? Why? For all I know she doesn’t even know she’s hurt me. I know forgiveness is power but I’m just not on that level yet. I want to, though, but I want my forgiveness to be natural and real, not forced and faked for the sake of moving on.

    Shortly after what happened, my family moved to another town. Lisa and her family is now as far removed as they can be from my life yet I still allow this single incident to affect my life. It’s super pathetic and I really need to break free from this grudge that’s why I started this thread. I really hope someone who might have gone through something similar could share some pointers.

    Thanks for replying!

    #47622
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Hi Kinny,

    Thanks for the recommendation, I’ve actually been wanting to try meditation for some time but just didn’t know where to start.

    And can I just your suggestion about “I can be happy today even if…” is brilliant. I think it’s liberating. I’ve become aware of my feelings but I’ve just been stuck ever since, didn’t know how to move to the next step. I think this could be it. As for your pointers:

    1. I have a Twitter account exactly for this purpose! I don’t follow or be followed by anyone. I simply would use it as an emotional dump whenever I feel sad, angry, bitter, or even ecstatic. It does help.

    2. A lot of elements in this incident irked me in the beginning but as I learned and grew more mature over the years, one by one they disappeared. For example, I used to be angry at Lisa for having been born rich and being happy about it but then I looked at myself and I also had a pretty good life. I’m sure there are people who are less fortunate than I am and I’m sure as hell it won’t be fun having them throwing shade at me simply for being born into my life. I couldn’t choose the family I was being born into, neither could Lisa, so I dropped the case.

    Now, I am left with what I think are more valid grudges that need to be addressed because I really, truthfully, honestly want to break free from those.

    Those things that still irk me are:

    – That nasty bitch aka Lisa’s mom. She’s the type of woman who will make your life a living hell lest she gets her way, my guess is that she has always been that way her whole life. She does that to the point where people would just give in to her every whim in order to be spared the agony of her wrath. In movies, bad karma would always befall characters like her. I hate how people talk about right and wrong but when faced with a real situation, they always falter. This is not right. Somebody has to stand up and school her, give her a lesson in humility.

    On a more selfish note, I’m not gonna lie, I want them to feel the humiliation that I felt. I want them to realize they’re not the most important people on earth as they make themselves out to be. I want it to hit them in the face when they least expect it. And again, hating on a second grader? WTF. I can’t even.

    – How Lisa doesn’t seem to realize that she’s hurt me and how she seems to be able to move on with her life happily even though she’s wronged some people. My take on this is, she knows she’s well-loved and that she has her mom to ensure nobody dares to ‘unlove’ her so she never has the motivation to right her wrongs. She knows it won’t hurt her character.

    – The #1 thing that irks me is how all the key people in this incident never bothered to do the right thing. Like the teachers, for example, even if they had to give in to that nasty bitch’s wrath and conducted a stupid fake play of me apologizing to Lisa, I just wish some of them would pull me aside afterwards and ensure if I was okay. How about Lisa’s father? He was the only people with enough influence to can actually knock some sense into that bitch. Granted, he was nice to me throughout, but still, where was he?

    #47633
    Fran
    Participant

    Hi Priscilla. Something I learnt a little while ago was very powerful for me and may be relevant for you, perhaps. I discovered that – I AM NOT MY FEELINGS”!!!!! I found that astonishing, but it is true. I HAVE feelings, but they are NOT ME! Amazing!! What this means is that I can choose to feel happy or sad, angry or forgiving, resentful or generous, hurt or compassionate. I can start out feeling one way and simply decide to feel differently because I don’t like the feeling I have. Its awesome when you realise that, because you are no longer a prisoner of old emotions. It means you have the power of choice about how you feel.

    I have also discovered that people are on a journey I know nothing about, except the story I make up about them. Those people in your past (even your past self) are no longer there, and they were only ever your story anyway. All you see is a picture, and the real person lives behind it with all the sadness, anger, disappointment and hurt we all have in our own ways. Just because you cant see it doesn’t mean it isn’t there. We mostly only show the positive things to the world and hide away the hurts. So you cannot know if they are happy, and might it be a relief to decide it isn’t your business anyway, and you can just let go of that feeling any time you like?

    #47634
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Hi Fran, I agree that realizing happiness is a choice is very empowering. However, practicing it takes some effort of which I haven’t mastered. How do you learn to conquer your ego? I think I am stuck in this stage. I can process my feelings logically however in the end it will always get overruled by my emotions. I hate it. I hate how I can dwell on things that happened in the past even though they have no present and direct impact whatsoever on my life right now. I know I am the one who gives it the power to ruin my life yet I can’t stop.

    I am stuck in this ‘knowing’ stage. I know happiness is a choice, I know I have to accept that I can’t change the past, I know what I’m supposed to do yet I am not doing them. When I choose to be happy, I don’t really feel it. Instead, I feel like I’m faking it and in the end it makes me more angry. I haven’t reached that state of enlightenment yet. Can you share how you overcame these roadblocks?

    #47635
    Kinny
    Participant

    Priscilla,

    I hope you get as much out of the meditation as I did!I tried other kinds and although they were beneficial, I didn’t look forward to them and they were a chore. Someone I look up to on these forums recommended that one and I’ve been hooked since.

    Before I go into the rest of your post, I just want to say that it’s not pathetic that you aren’t over this. The fact of the matter is, there is a reason why they say to err is human and to forgive is divine. It’s not natural to forgive! Lol! But hoenstly, it takes a spiritual understanding to make peace with your past. It’s part of the human experience to hurt people, and it’s also part of the human experience to be hurt. When hurtful events impact us more than the norm, it takes something beyond our normal skill set to handle and our brain doesn’t compute. It takes new internal growth to overcome them. Perhaps the internal growth is to recognize people’s nature’s faster or more accurately, or enhance your coping skills. (I’m speaking generally, not concerning your childhood incident.) If you didn’t push back the push back, you wouldn’t be growing. So you aren’t pathetic, there’s just something that is sitting with you and you haven’t found a solution that makes sense or really resonates with you as the right answer. I hope some of my experiences and thoughts help you make your own peace that can put this to rest for you.

    Excellent about the twitter account! Personally I wear a pair of scissor jewelry I found on etsy to remind me to forgive. I also sent flowers to myself and pretended it was from someone else to really let something go. ( I went through a public humiliation and when I decided to really extract any trace of hate I had, I decided I would do whatever it takes. It satisfieid a part of me that wanted to be publically validated.) Find as many anchors as possible!

    Some ideas about the other things you mentioned…

    Just because Lisa is rich doen’t mean she’s happy. Look at Hollywood: It doesn’t matter if people are rich, gorgeous, talented and can date rich, gorgeous and talented counterparts. They still end up with divorces and addiction issues. Unfortunately no amount of money can fix a bad childhood, or buy real friends, solve family dysfunction, or give you self esteem or inner peace. I’m glad that you dropped that case on your own anyway, but it’s still something to consider.

    KUDOS to you for being honest to break free! I can relate more than I would like to admit.

    Concerning your hate, I would keep working on accepting that you can be happy no matter what happens to her. I get that it rocks your sense of justice, but keep in mind that you have no idea what caused her to be that way nor do you have any idea what the future holds. I don’t believe in karma, but what I can tell you is that it’s probable that if she is like this to everyone, at some point the odds won’t be in her favor. I can’t prove it or explain it, but I can honestly tell you that I always put my dignity and integrity first and for whatever reason things always work out for me when I’m in a bad space. Maybe I just have a clear conscious so I can accept things freely. I know others who make compromises and rationalize things, and even when they take shortcuts and have the odds stacked in their favor, things don’t go their way. It’s uncanny, but it only seems to work if you are true to your integrity. Don’t focus on results, just focus on the seeds you’re sowing.

    Also, consider that we all have limited understanding, and limited capabilities and that hurt people hurt people. Maybe the mom had no one to protect her as a child and now she is over protective. Maybe the daughter has a rare disease that no one knows about. Who knows. I’ve come to understand that I’m not all knowing as to what their circumstances, capabilites, motives, and thoughts are. I can only judge if someone is good for me or not. Iin my opinion it’s not my place to label someone good or bad is probably inaccurate and unproductive.

    Again with the humiliation, accept that you have no control over who learns what lessons when. You might be vindicated tomorrow. Great! But what if it doesn’t happen for ten years? Do you really want to wait ten years before you are able to let yourself be happy? *Marks date on calender 2023* NOW I feel peace knowing that they suffered. How much worse if it never happens! Lol The Buddhist idea that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional teaches us that life is going to happen, but if you dwell then that’s a choice you are making to relive it. Unfortunately, it’s so much easier to see this unproductive state in other people than to change in ourselves. For this reason, offer to help as many people as possible. For whatever reason, it helps unlock things naturally.

    I have an uber logcial friend who told me that as long as the person is out of my life, it doesn’t matter if they hit the lotto, died, found the love of their life, or got an std. As long as they are out of your life, they aren’t real hurdles, just ones you create for yourself. For a long time, I asked myself when I got up what I would be doing and thinking if I had amnesia and my past didn’t matter. (Because it doesn’t 😉 ) Wake up each day with what you have as your given and your only goal is to figure out how to move forward. Try to be so busy that you have no time to even think about her, so that eventually you are so proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished that she will be nothing more than a vanishing point.

    About Lisa, you have no way of knowing if Lisa is happy. Maybe she feels unbearable guilt and doesn’t like herself.Maybe she’ll have no life skills and no friends when her mom passes away. Or maybe she simply doesn’t have the lfie experience to relate to understand how it affected you. You don’t know, and you may never know.

    About all the key people, people are people. We are all trying the best that we can at any given point in time. In my experience, the majority of people you meet are not going to be strong and wise. Even the ones you do meet usually have a tainted past with lost of hard earned lessons and casualites. Sometimes life has bumps and sometimes a lot comes on at once. Unfortunately it sounds like you encountered a lot of people who were young on their journey. They still have potential as human beings, but unfortunately you were a casulty. Also, keep this memory in mind for when you are in a complicated situation or feel intimidated or feel like compromsiing.

    Lastly, here is a writing exercises that helped me. One, ask yourself why someone would choose to go through that situation. Pretend that you are an author and that you are purposely choosing these events and characters for your protagonist to overcome. What possible good could happen or how could they grow? Dream big! Maybe you will become a voice for kids, or become better prepared for a position that deals with entitled people.

    Whoever you hate in your life has power over you. I hope you get this lesson faster than I did. I wasted a lot of time and energy on people who weren’t worth it.

    #47646
    Matt
    Participant

    Priscilla,

    In addition to Kinny’s heartfelt and pertinent wisdom, consider that holding a grudge is like punching yourself in the heart. We think it was the other, the nasty bitch mothers who cause us our pain, but it is our resentment. Sometimes, we find ourselves in so much pain that we need to blame others for it to make sense. As a second grader, it makes sense to do so.

    However, now, as a woman, that vision is still “stuck” and vibrant. You are seeking a path to let it go, but still casting the punches. Said differently, your insistence that she is a nasty bitch is what slams into your heart causing pain. She of course is not a nasty bitch, she had some difficult emotions and made mistakes. She blamed you for all of her fear and anxiety over her daughter being lost/kidnapped/raped/murdered… whatever fantasy her fear took on. I bet that was one of the longest walks for the mother. Look at how scared she was… pushing her to act aggressive to a little kid, a dear Priscilla who was only trying to have fun and follow her heart. Sure, the response wasn’t fair for you, but that is life, dear sister. It presents us challenges as we experience all sorts of difficult moments.

    That being said, it is understandable that you feel the way you do. A second grader doesn’t see the big picture, the fear, the rallying the troops to protect the child, and all of the chaos that anxiety disorders cause to a heart. The second grader sees that moment. The thirst on the couch, the confusion and sorrow. Losing a friend. These are just knots of memory tied into emotion, and can be worked out. For instance, when you begin to imagine the nasty bitch, perhaps you can notice how your mind is clenching down on a vision. Much like clenching a fist, our mind grabs and holds onto views. Unclenching is much the same. Introduce compassion to the mother… make space for her side to be real. Her pain was real, her anxiety was real, how difficult it must have been for her! As this intentional compassion meets up against the tangle, it gets looser and looser until it just doesn’t come up the same.

    Said differently, forgiveness isn’t about “them”, its about us. Its about healing the wounds we experienced so we can regain that trapped energy, overcome that habitual pain. So, it really is up to you. If you wish to insist that the nasty bitch wronged you, then you’ll have to accept that you will remain stuck in pain. If you wish to heal from the past, intentionally create forgiveness and understanding for her side and drop the judgment and harm wishing.

    Namaste, sister, may you find the spaciousness you seek.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #47698
    Priscilla
    Participant

    Kinny,

    What an unbelievably, beautifully-written reply. I am blubbering as I’m reading it because you touched on so many things I can relate to, perhaps because you drew them from personal experience. Not to sound too gushy but I’m seriously considering printing it and keep it with me at all times to read whenever I feel down because it is not only applicable to that particular incident but also to my life in general.

    Fixating on the past (especially the negative experiences) is my major character flaw that I’ve been trying to conquer for some time now. I am stuck in the ‘knowing’ phase where I know what I’m supposed to do, only I don’t feel them in my heart therefore I’ve been delaying, hesitating.

    Some of the things you mentioned really help me gain some insights / clarity, some perhaps I’ve known them all along, it’s just that I didn’t know how to put them into words. It’s funny how when you’re able to put them into words, seeing those words and reading them out loud, it just hits you. It opens your eyes and your mind.

    Some of the highlights that I really love:

    – How in every other paragraph you remind me of the all-inclusive nature of life’s ups and downs. Sometimes when we indulge in self-pity, we always make ourselves out to be the victims. It’s good to be reminded that everybody without exception has experienced life’s ups and downs at some point in their lives, that they have hurt as well as gotten hurt. No one is exempt.

    – There’s a cycle of negativity passed down from one person to another and you have to be willing and consciously break free from that chain. It’s a kind of selfless act because instead of passing down the pain, you absorb it. It’s a very tough thing to do but if you can do it sincerely, I believe it will be so liberating.

    – We’re not all-knowing. Oh, how empowering and liberating is this knowledge! I have to admit, sometimes I let small, super trivial things irk me to no end, even years after. This enlightenment eliminates almost all of them because with small annoyances such as unpleasant encounters with rude shopkeepers, you just don’t have enough backstory to understand why this person does one thing or another. There’s simply too little data to compute so why obsess over it. By comprehending this knowledge, I sorta ensure myself that things will always makes sense, I just don’t know the whole story.

    – To always consider the grander scheme of things. People have the tendency to think that the world revolves around them, myself included. I now realize that by playing victims, we positioned ourselves as the center of the universe. Whaddya know, I employ the same self-importance as Lisa’s mom. Eye-opening, huh?

    – Also in the grander scheme of things, things happen so that everyone involved can learn a lesson from it. Everyone has their roles. I happen to be assigned as the casualty. So not fun. However, I’d like to give my two cents on how to approach this seemingly unfair scheme: Playing the casualty is not for the faint of heart and it takes a tough cookie to be able to go through all this and emerge victorious so in a way, it’s the universe’s way of saying ‘you’re strong’ or ‘I believe you can make it through’

    – Thanks for acknowledging I was the casualty. It means a lot, it validates all the pain and humiliation I went through.

    – Love that bit about your uber-logical friend, that nice little token of scissors to remind you to always forgive, and thanks for illustrating how waiting to be vindicated won’t do me any good.

    Actually there are a lot more that resonate with me but then this entry will be getting longer and longer so I’m just gonna end this post right here. Kinny, thank you again for sharing, they really help a lot. Words can’t express my gratitude enough 🙂

    #47744
    Kinny
    Participant

    Hi Priscilla,

    Wow! It’s not gushy, I’m just happy that what I said made sense, was helpful and not too winded. 😉 Part of what I wrote for myself when I wrote a story concerning my challenges as a protagonist was that I was willing to go through anything if I thought it would help me become a wiser parent and secondly, to be there for a stranger who had no one else to talk to. I’m a thinker and feeler, as well as a reader and a writer. Feel free to write as much as you like, it’s your thread and I enjoy a good idea exchange. 🙂

    I’m not a fan of telling my own story in someone else’s thread, but I’m honest about most things if I think it would help someone. I could relate to the sentiments you wrote and I wrote about it recently on here. Long story short, I had a year of curve balls and I got very worn down emotionally and hard to be around. I just couldn’t handle one more kick in the teeth, and then my father died. I spent the last year of his life spewing bitter and resentful rants since I didn’t have many people I could trust in my life and I needed validation from someone. I greived alone as most people gave up on me and didn’t know about the death by the time it happened. I was catatonic and raw for a long time. Some days I beat myself up for not being stronger sooner , wiser quicker and healing faster…but that’s life. Unfortunately shaming yourself into healing faster simply doesn’t work. Since then my goal has become to make sure that my coping skills are so strong that I won’t miss a beat even if I’m left at the alter. What I wrote to you is what I’ve gleaned from my analysis of my own faulty thinking. I am touched that what I said struck a chord and I sincerely hope it provides you with shortcuts to healing.

    Concerning fixating on the past, a book I gleaned a lot from was Do One Thing Different by Bill O’Hanlon. Sometimes the past is helpful, but in my experience, understanding things doesn’t change anything. Much like how I could have an eating disorder, I could analyze my father and my mother or how I played with too many Barbies as a kid. While I’m still trying to figure that out, if I’m still binging on snickers until I see the exact reason, I could analyze for years and never know exactly why! One quote I like is that the past is never a waste of time if the experience is used wisely.

    I’ve also enjoyed Brene Brown’s books recently, perhaps you would like them as well. She also has a Ted Talk if you like that sort of thing.

    I’ll close with a May West quote and a personal mantra, “You only live once; but if you do it right, once is enough.”
    Cheers to finding peace and feeling lighter sooner!

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