Dear Tiny Buddha Community,

I recently broke up with my boy friend who cheated on me ( we were together for almost a year), after lying for several months and covering up those lies with a lot of conviction. A little about this person, he is charming, social, outgoing, very intelligent and is usually seen by others as a fun person to be around. But with a closer look you will realize that he is very manipulative, lacks empathy, and is very deceptive. He is very good at minimizing even something horrible as cheating. He practically minimized the entire thing into ” I was just casually interacting with females ( which again is opposite of objective reality). If you ever get in a verbal battle, you will never win. He is brilliant at gas lighting, arguing till death to prove he is right and making you doubt yourself and look like a crazy reactive person ( the quintessential crazy ex gf argument).

When I found out he has been cheating, I confronted him, not realizing how manipulative this person is, I actually ended up empathizing and consoling him by the end of it all. I did decide that I will not continue this relationship forward, but I will support him ( and I genuinely meant that) if he wants to change his ways and seek professional help for his attention seeking behaviour. I loved this guy I really did. Every part of my mind and body were yearning to make things right. As I was consoling him, I obviously did not process any of my emotions and feelings of pain and hurt. I could not process how I was feeling after finding out he has been cheating, how my plans to actually marry this person are in the dump now and how that has affected me. I processed none of this and ended up attending to his needs in the moment. Two days later, I sent him a message expressing how disturbed and hurt I was and how his actions were very selfish. He obviously did not take this message well and immediately resorted to name calling ( jealous, insecure, crazy, not worth his time ect ect). He accused me of being that girl who makes accusations when ” he did nothing wrong”. I am not able to wrap my head around this. How did this person spin this around after lying and cheating and blamed me for all of it.

I don’t know why but even after being emotionally and verbally abused, I called him to make things right. Worse thing is I sent him a message apologizing for being angry. Can you believe that ?? Even I can’t. I am ashamed of myself, I really did bow down. Maybe part of me felt guilty for being angry and hurt as if I had no right to send him that message. I even gave him a headsup that I need some space and validation and requested him to ” bear with me if i get angry ” which obviously did not happen. I really did try to make amends with this person, I called him and asked for 5 minutes of his time to explain how he should have allowed me the space to be hurt and angry, to say I miss him and maybe we can work things out, if not just be friends. He ended up blocking me.

Its been few weeks now and looking back, I am not able to snap out how can he treat me like that ? lie and cheat and then block me after I apologize for showing any bit of hurt and pain. How selfish and narcissistic is this person and what was I thinking in the first place? Why did I apologize when he should have allowed me the space to be angry and hurt. ( Cheating is not a casual thing for me, I am a loyal person to the T and I cannot fathom how someone can do that). This guy is so disconnected from reality, that he doesn’t even think he cheated ( he is so convinced that he did nothing… this is so scary). He needs constant reassurance from women because he doesn’t feel desired or wanted physically ( this is something that came up recently, hence to put his promiscuous splurges in context). This is the reason I was consoling him, I saw a struggling and troubled man and I wanted to help. But how did he turned out negated the entire thing and got back to believing that he is a faithful person and I am some crazy girl, I have no idea. I recently also found out through common friends that he is back to his old lifestyle. Life is going on for him. He is dating other girls, partying ect ect. Having no regard of an inch of remorse for what he did to me.

We share a lot of common friends, he recently reached out to one of our friends to organize a get together. I know he values his outwardly reputation and social connections, therefore he is quickly reaching out to everyone I know to maintain his reputation to reassert how likable and fun of a person he is. This is a very empty human being. He needs that attention and affirmations from people constantly that he is still liked so his actions makes sense in perspective. But all of this is taking an emotional toll on me. I obviously will not attend these gatherings ( in a way I feel cornered and isolated) because he knows I would not attend. What is bothering my core is the injustice in all of this. He still gets to go out and be liked by the people who knows him outwardly ( no body knows these deep down demons he is battling with). I was disappointed in my friend. She felt sympathy for me when she found out and felt momentarily anger towards him, but the fact he is a mutual friend I can understand she why she could not just block him after all she is not directly impacted by this so cannot feel so strongly against him. ( Although a few of my very close friends absolutely detest this person and don’t plan on interacting with him because of his behaviour) but I know I can’t expect people to pick sides. It just hurt to see how he still gets to be socially accepted.

I need to let go of this resentment. This is consuming my life when I have so many other priorities. I was also questioning God’s Devine justice. How come people who hurt others still get to be liked in our society and have all the resources in the world. What about Karma ? I want to forgive him not because what he did was any less horrific but because I need to move on. I need to stop being anxious about seeing him in my friend circles, close vicinity, work, he is practically everywhere and everyone knows him. I thought of moving cities but why should I ? I have so much at stake here and I am currently at a prestigious school. I cannot just drop out because of a guy. I know its not worth it. But then again there is logic when I am looking at all of this from an eye in the sky and there are my feelings ( which he never validated and basically ghosted me). I feel this immeasurable pain inside me. How can he do this in a blink of a eye. Nothing … no sentiment or regard or empathy or concern for the damage this might cause me. What sort of decent human being lies, cheats swears and disappears ? I am not able to reconcile any of this. Please share your insights or past experiences. How can I move on ?