Dear Nidzo:

Shame, the two of you being victims of the social practice of arranged marriages. You were not sure you wanted to be married with him when he asked you. And now, do you have an idea? Would you have said yes if you could go back in time?

If yes is the answer and his wife is not pregnant (!) – this is a no brainer to me, he should end that marriage. Regardless of your answer, he should end that marriage. If he has to move away where he doesn’t have to suffer the consequences, then he should move away. Move away with you or without you.

Did you discuss with him the possibility of him ending the arranged marriage? What is his position?

Do you like him enough to make a life with him yourself, if he gets out of the arranged marriage?

Once you see reality better, examine, investigate different possibility and see it clearly, your distress will lower as you will know what to do.

anita

Hi Nidzo,

Cultural pressure is unbelievably strong. This is why the parents force confirmation and arranged marriages at such a young age. You are at your weakest as a youth.

OK… NOW that he’s married, NOW you’d go back in time and marry him? No offence, but it’s easier for you to say that than for him to actually go through the divorce process. And “to be financially strong” could take years. And guess what? Something that could take years becomes “Some Day” in one’s mind. And during that time, his wife could become pregnant. And yes, by him.

I’m telling you NOT to see him while he’s married and NOT to put your life on hold.

One day, years later, he may indeed be free. And one day, years later, he could be a married man with kids (and has a nice home, job, and, yes, wife).

I’m sorry I’m such a Debbie-Downer, but please live a full life without him UNLESS and UNTIL he sets himself free.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.

This is not a reply to this post, but actually I am in a similar situation. The only difference is that my boyfriend is engaged and not married as of now. He is not at all happy with this marriage. He wants to be with me but his mother due to an health issue is forcing him into this marriage.We are trying to convince her, but it isn’t work8ng out. Can you please suggest what can we do to stop this marriage.

Today my mother spoke to his mother but she bluntly said no saying that what will people say if they break the engagement. It will be a huge insult in society. She is not ready to understand that this will ruin 3 lives.
Should I tell my boyfriend’s fiancee and her family about us. Will this help?

Dear Kk,

When deciding what to do next, consider what you would like life to be like after 3 years, 5 years and what could it be based on the current situation. The facts are (as per my understanding):

1) He wont leave his wife right now.
2) His financial position isn’t strong.
3) He doesn’t have any relationship with his wife.

According to you, 1 will change when 2 does – what about 3 ?

And what about you? Will you keep waiting for a married man to become financially stable and then leave his wife for you?

I know that from an emotional point of view, you can’t imagine a life without him but there is more to life than him and holding on to this is crushing your spirit.

What would you advice another friend in this situation?

Regards,
Nina

Dear latika:

Your distress and despair is very clear and understandable. You – and your boyfriend- are indeed in trouble.

What I suggested, restated is to let his mother leave the house or whatever she threatens to do. It is not right for her to demand her son marries whom he doesn’t want to marry. This is why I suggested for you and your boyfriend to move away together, far away, so the two of you are not exposed to the mother and public opinion.

If the suggestion above is too radical, something you and your boyfriend cannot imagine doing, then your suggestion is risky but maybe it will work. Maybe it will work. Your desire to help your boyfriend and prevent the coming misery is admirable.

I sure hope that the fiancé and her parents are reasonable and good people who think past social conventions. If they think that once an engagement took place and there is no way to reverse it, then all your explanations to them will not help. They may be as rigid as your boyfriend’s mother.

If they are flexible enough, IF- they may listen to you, terminate the engagement and withdraw. Your boyfriend’s mother on the other hand, she is a problem. Even if you convince these people to reverse the engagement (and that will be a great accomplishment on your part), she, your boyfriend’s mother, might hurry up and pick someone new for her son to marry.

This is why I wish you and your boyfriend will move far away from this and make a life for yourselves, together.

anita

Dear Anna:

You are a courageous woman and your boyfriend will be very fortunate to have you as his wife! My goodness, you are a fighter and I am impressed.

So your boyfriend’s mother is okay with you and her son getting married and her only problem is to say No to these people..? Can you hold her one hand and your boyfriend, her son hold her other hand as she says that very important NO, on the phone (since they live far)? Can you all come up with some good story so to make your boyfriend’s mother less fearful (as the two of you hold her hands) to say that crucial NO?

That would be best because she is okay with you being the wife and she has the power with the fiancée’s parents.

You don’t know the fiancé’s parents, do you? And they live a distance away so you are planning to talk to them on the phone? Too many unknowns here… better apply my first suggestion on this post, less unknowns.

Let’s say there is no other way (better be!) and you are about to talk to her parents on the phone- they don’t know you, do they?

Well, I have to wait for an answer: do the fiancée’s parents know you and are you thinking of talking to them on the phone (or skype or will you travel to meet them in person)?

And what about my first suggestion here?

anita