Dear Savanah:

What about sending him a message (one that may begin a series of messages/ talks), something like the following:

I have some understanding about how devastating this latest news is for you. I can only imagine the distress you are feeling. I understand the anger, I think I understand. In context of this happening, I am more regretful than before about lashing out at you in anger before. I wish I didn’t.

This is what I want to communicate to you today: I want to help you. I want to be that calm, dependable presence in your life, consistently. I can be that person in your life you can count on to always be respectful toward you, never again lash out. Same on your part, toward me.

I can help you if you need help with (a list, perhaps, of specific physical tasks). I can be there for you as we both, maybe, figure out how to live a functional life with this new fact of life. Maybe together, as friends, or as more than friends, we can make the life available to us the best that it can be.

-end

What do you think?

anita

Dear Savanah:

Your letter reads good to me except the part I don’t see in it, the one I suggested that you express to him that you want to be that calm, dependable, consistent presence in his life, behaving respectfully toward each other (at all times).

I can understand you not wanting to be in the presence of an angry, abusive person and strongly believe you should not make yourself available to mistreatment. The part of the message I repeated here, that is about you offering him the same as you expect from him, consistent, dependable calm and respect.

anita

Dear Savanah:

In almost two years though you had only two misunderstandings you wrote, and the second one was a small argument in which you lashed out. If you want to describe the lashing out at him, that will be helpful to my understanding. It must have been a serious lashing out, I am thinking, to shake his confidence in you that badly..?

You definitely are in a difficult situation, and I hope there will be a resolution soon, so that you can feel better, more at ease. I am not very focused now and would like to re-read your posts and any post you may add when I return to the computer in about fifteen hours.

anita

Dear Savanah,

Hope there is an improvement in your situation.

You wrote about your letter. Did you get a response from him? Your further communication, I believe should be based on his response.

With a major event like what you described for him, it takes a lot of time till the person involved comes to some level of acceptance about it. That depends so much on the individual involved. There is likely the thinking that – “I should be able to handle it on my own; at the same time any supportive statements will also be appreciated.

Maybe periodic communication to check on his recovery and to offer your support any time he needs it may help.

Dear Savanah:

You asked: “Should I be reaching out as support?” My answer: no, you already did, and you did so adequately.

If the lashing out you mentioned in your original post did not include you verbally abusing him at the time, when you found out that he deleted the pictures, if it was only you voicing your concern, I am thinking that maybe you’ve been very careful all along to express no discontent to him whatsoever, no sign of anger, and when you did just a bit, you thought you did a terrible thing. Any truth to my thinking here?

One thing for sure, like you wrote, you shouldn’t be “his scapegoat for his anger”.

anita