Hi everyone, I could really do with some help, sorry if this is a long rambling post. I recently started dating a friend I’ve known for a year- although he had a girlfriend in between, we’ve established we both liked each other from the beginning. Things have been pretty intense between us for the last month(s) after he told me he had feelings for me and broke up with his gf. I insisted we took it slow as I didn’t want to put pressure on things, but he’d message me lots and we spent a lot of time together. I’ve been told by mutual friends that in recent weeks he’d been telling them he was “head over heels in love with me”. Although he never said that to me, he said several times that he was deliberately being less intense than usual so as not to freak me out, because he was worried I’d run off and disappear from his life completely (he knows that’s my natural tendency if things go wrong). He also said he wanted us to be together long term, which I believed, and I know he also told his family and colleagues how much he liked me, since one of his colleagues took me aside and told me when I met them. However, I have trust issues and kept being paranoid that he’d go off me since basically I think he is too good for me, which I tried to communicate but I’m not sure he got it. Anyway, things were finally progressing between us but then this weekend I feel like something changed.

We were out with friends and had a silly incident- he handed me my toothbrush at the bar, i immediately assumed he’d brought it from his house as a hint that he didn’t want me staying there any more so I stormed off home without saying goodbye. I then messaged him to say “sorry for the crazy behaviour- to be honest I really like you and I don’t know how to handle it- but I also thought it was a dick move with the toothbrush” but he then said the toothbrush actually dropped out of my bag at the bar (I’d bought it in case I stayed at his) and he was trying to return it discreetly so I wasn’t embarrassed! I came straight back and apologised/tried to make a joke about it, but although he was smiling he did seem a bit off and was like “we’re fine.. until I do something else wrong”. That eve we went back to his and I was looking after him because he was ill, but he was being v affectionate and I left as usual the next morning. However, I then didn’t hear from him (despite knowing he’s ok as he was posting in a group chat we’re both part of), so I messaged him on tuesday and received only a short reply and no suggestion of plans to meet. I therefore freaked out that he was going to dump me and sent him the following message:

“Hey, look- I obviously feel like something is different here. Maybe this is jumping the gun but I’m gonna trust my gut and give ‘this’ some space (not disappearing forever but just gonna stay at my mum’s for a bit, which I’ve been meaning to do for ages, and avoid whatsapp!) and will assume we’re gonna leave whatever ‘this’ was. Probably best if you replace me on [x] at least temporarily in the group too, permanently if you want to- maybe it is finally [our mutual friend]’s time to shine. I just wanna say though it has been so fun being in the group, genuinely thanks for having me. I’ve also really loved getting to know you, I think you’re so great. Even if it really sucks when someone changes their mind like this. But, I get it. I think you had me on a bit of a pedestal and in real life I could never live up to it. Hopefully I’ll get over any resulting upset and we can be friends or something in future”.

I also then stupidly sent “no need to reply. It’s fine, honestly”, and he never did reply so I haven’t heard anything from him. I’m totally gutted that things have ended and I’m going crazy wondering what happened- I assume he just decided he had to restrict his behaviour too much around me and my insecurities were too much for him to handle or something. But I also don’t know if he was playing me all along and just ran for the hills when he realised I actually liked him too, or as I said, he just liked the fantasy version of me. I would have thought he could at least reply and say something like “sorry I changed my mind romantically, but we can still be friends and don’t feel you have to leave the group” or something. I so regret not speaking to him about it before pulling the plug, and am wondering if there is anything I can do to remedy this situation now or if it’s best that I just accept it, give him space and don’t contact him again. I hate myself for managing to put him off so quickly (I’ve been trying to work on my self esteem and not be too crazy), and something that had been building for so long is apparently over and I assume I’ll never see him again.