Hello @bartlomiej,

First off, I’m sorry you are in pain. It sounded like you really loved this woman, so please take the time to grieve your loss.

While I haven’t been in your exact situation, I have been in a relationship where I told the man, “you need to commit or I can’t do this anymore.” (We broke up.) There was also a period in my twenties when I secretly harbored hopes that a man would save me or take care of me. I’m not proud of this – I did learn two important things:

1) You cannot force commitment. Even if someone does cave in they might eventually resent your for rushing them or making them decide to do something they didn’t want to do.

2) You cannot rely on anyone else for your survival or well being. You, and only you, can create the life you want to live.

I’m sure you were hoping that this woman would not only return your feelings, but assist you in securing a green card and build a stable home in your new country. Sadly that didn’t work out.

Why she didn’t want to be with you? We can only make educated guesses. The important thing is you do the best you can to heal, work toward getting the paperwork done to become a permanent resident, get a job that provides security, etc. This is a lot – a scary to do on one’s own. I admire your bravery in moving and trying to form an emotional connection – but now you need find your own power.

Good luck to you!

Dear bartlomiej:

As I understand it, you suggested to your girlfriend marriage so that you can get a green card. It is illegal to do so. Your girlfriend may have been scared to commit an illegal act. The Immigration authorities are tougher, since 9-11, on marriage-for-green-card frauds.

You described your ex girlfriend as very cautious, anxious maybe. You may have scared her with the illegal proposition.

anita

I can understand her leaving. You lived with her, had sex with her, and sounds like you wanted her to marry you to get citizenship. She put a lot into the relationship, you didn’t get citizenship paperwork done. Can’t say that I blame her for running away when you asked about marriage for the reasons Anita mentioned.

To be honest, if I were her, I would have felt used, and ashamed. Sounds to me that you were setting her up to get what you wanted, and she fell for it right until you made the proposition to do something illegal and she had time to think about it. I can’t blame her one bit that she left. I just feel badly for her, as it sounds like she bought into your claims, and probably did develop feelings for you.

Sorry, but asking somebody to do something illegal and then blaming them for leaving when they realized they got played does not elicit sympathy from me.

Dear bartlomiej:

Putting the legal issue behind for now, what happened is that you gave your live-in girlfriend an ultimatum: marry me – or we break up. She decided to break up, and so she took her stuff and left your residence.

So this relationship is over now. What are you going to do now?

anita

I´m sorry that you guys broke up and i hope that you will find someone who can counsel you on how to get your green card.
I think you have a great chance working in the US and if you like it you should try your best to stay instead of running back home because things didn´t workout as you planned and you´re tired of doing it the hard way.

The thing is i also hope that you will understand your ex girlfriends reaction at some point. No one likes ultimatums and if you love a person you don´t put the pressure on them like that.
Just because you would sacrifice everything doesn´t mean that others have to do the same to prove you they love you.
Everyone is free to make their own choices – don´t compare your relationship with that of your friends. Don´t rely on someone else to do something when you can do it yourself. I believe she loved you too because even though you were badly paid and there was a danger that you might leave – she still stayed by your side.
I´m telling you this because i did marry for that reason a few years back and my husband became violent and cheated on me once he “secured” his card. I was young and idealistic and maybe naive when i gave in to him pressuring me. There´s many negative examples and your girlfriend made the choice not to take the risk if she wasn´t yet ready for marriage. And that´s totally okay and I wish i had done the same thing back then. Still i wish you the best.