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Broken up, Broken Hearted and Very Lost

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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • July 30, 2016 at 9:54 am #110955
    Ann
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I of about 3 years just broke up. We’ve had problems in the past – he’s struggled with anxiety and depression and I’ve struggled with trust issues. He kind of disappeared from my life for about 4-5 months and we reconciled under the notion that he had started therapy to address his issues. We’d been “together” for about 3-4 months since reconciling.

    I know it’s the right move for us both. He said I became a stressor for him and started feeling anxiety over our relationship over the last few weeks. And I know it was the right thing to do because I’ve loved him unconditionally all this time but have always known I deserved someone who really took time to see me, talk to me, etc. because he didn’t.

    Our break up was a 3 hour long conversation and while he said he loved me and cared about me, he acknowledged that he felt he was reverting back to an anxiety filled life because of ‘us’ and needed the break up in order to work on himself.

    I’m 30 years old, pretty successful in my career. I’m not a social butterfly and just made the decision to goto a psychologist myself to help deal with this. I’ve been in relationships before and have felt the sting of a broken heart several times… but nothing like this. And I can’t help but want, if not need, to hear his voice just one more time. I feel like I need to try to bargain with the universe for one more day of holding him, and smelling him or just listening to his voice. It’s poison but it’s taking everything in my power to NOT pick up the phone and see him on social media or to text or call him. When I went and deleted some old emails, I found myself sinking into a very dark hole. I have this irrational hope of reconciliation and I’ve found myself trying to figure out a way for him to fix himself but still be able to be with me… but I know it’s not something that will come.

    I feel lost. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. EVERYTHING reminds me of him – from the DVD rack next to my TV, to just every little thing and I can’t help but feel soo lost. He was this feeling of absolute comfort and ‘home’ for me. In the days we would spend together, just laying in bed and binge watching shows or movies – I was at peace. I knew what peace was… and now, I have moments where I can barely breathe.

    I don’t want to love him like I do. I would do anything to have someone cut my heart out and free me from this pain. And yet, I love him so deeply and entirely even now.

    Someone, anyone, please help me find a way out of this. I can’t do this. I can’t live like this. It’s too much.

    July 30, 2016 at 10:14 am #110958
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear idontknow210:

    You are suffering the loss of that “absolute comfort and ‘home’” you had with him, when you did. That comfort, home-feeling is what a baby feels in the arms of the mother, home. It is attachment, the comfort in attachment. No feeling compares to it.

    Unfortunately he clearly stated that his relationship with you operates, somehow, against his well being, increasing his anxiety. And so, you have to respect the ending of it.

    Will it help you to write about the nature of your attachment to him, how it feels… and will it help you, I wonder, to write about the history of your attachment, that is, the attachment you had to your parents, any one of them or both. I imagine your trust issues that you mention have something to do with an attachment to a parent that didn’t go well…?

    anita

    July 30, 2016 at 10:41 am #110962
    Ann
    Participant

    My trust issues with him stem from him failing to follow through on plans. Very often we would make plans and he would cancel on me or just go MIA. So as the course of our relationship continued, despite all the talking we had done, it continue.

    July 30, 2016 at 10:50 am #110963
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear idontknow210:

    I understood from your original post that you had trust issues before you met him, was I wrong?

    Your lack of trust with your ex is understandable and valid regardless of prior issues, simply based on his behavior with you.

    How did you feel when he went MIA- while in the relationship with you- did you feel as lost then as you are now?

    anita

    July 30, 2016 at 11:24 am #110967
    Ann
    Participant

    When he went MIA, I think I knew somewhere deep inside that we would reconcile at some point. Or at least hoped. My efforts in dating were futile because he was always in the back of my mind.

    I certainly didn’t feel the loss that I feel now… the soul wrenching pain that I feel now. And while I hope for reconciliation again, I also think that somewhere I know for sure it won’t happen. I mean, I’m at the point where I would give anything, literally anything to have him back. And yet I know that it’s not a good idea nor is it right.

    July 30, 2016 at 11:43 am #110969
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear idontknow210:

    It is a very strong attachment that you are experiencing right now, being willing to give anything, literally anything to have him back, this indicates a very strong emotional attachment to him.

    This is an opportunity for you to explore that emotional attachment to one of your parents, maybe a parent that was MIA in your young life…?

    I am trying to direct your attention to your childhood because the nature of your attachment to this man has a whole lot to do with your childhood attachment. If there could possibly be a future with this man, maybe… just maybe you examining the history of your attachment can help. I mean, if you get to see something new about you, then maybe there will be something that you could do with this guy, something that is not apparent now.

    anita

    July 30, 2016 at 1:40 pm #110989
    Lud
    Participant

    I think that exploring someone’s suffering through the roots of their childhood might be helpful at some point but not at the brink of despair. I have been going through the same issue, feeling lost and in despair after my break up, and there’s not much we can do about it. You got to feel what you got to feel. Let all emotions come to surface and one day, at some point, you will feel that enough is enough, at least for that time. Talking to people is also very helpful, don’t hold your emotions or feelings, and most of all, when you feel like you’ve had enough, surround yourself with good things, such as books, series, going out with friends, whatever nourishes you. Accept what life brings you, what happens to you. Don’t question it, live it.

    July 31, 2016 at 10:06 am #111082
    Kimberly
    Participant

    I am a 44 year woman and me and my boyfriend for 4 years now have broken up. I love him but he has decided that drinking and hanging out is more important . I really want to just let go and move on but I don’t know why it is so hard. It is evident that alcohol is the love of his life. How to let go and move on is the question ?

    July 31, 2016 at 10:39 am #111084
    Kimberly
    Participant

    I think that sometimes people use things as excuses to do what they really want to do. Why not just be honest even if it hurts and tell people the truth.

    July 31, 2016 at 10:57 am #111085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear readytomoveon: If you’d like to start your own thread, please click FORUMS, then choose a CATEGORY (Relationships perhaps), click it, go down the page to the empty box and type there). This thread was started by another member so I can comment only on the original poster’s sharing. I will be glad to comment on your own thread. See you there.
    anita

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