Thank you so much for your kindness in responding to me.  It is nice to be heard. I would say beauty in nature and beauty in people are two very different things. Beauty is super important in life; why would we have eyes if not to experience the beauty of our amazing planet? There is no denying that experiencing the beauty of nature makes one’s life better. BUT it is the internal experience while in the presence of beauty which really matters. So, yes, there are invisible things at play. And I agree that I can appreciate what beauty there is here. But what I was wondering, and this applies to so many things,  if aspects of your life really are not great. Or say an essential need is not being met (and maybe having access to beautiful places IS an essential need), should one still just BE and stop TRYING to CHANGE THINGS or  should one seek a change? As I’ve been thinking of this, it does seem if you are experiencing anxiety and desperation, it is best to embrace the present with all its imperfections, and when one is at peace, the best path will present itself.

My loneliness: That was really just an aside, but it definitely is making my life less fulfilling and rewarding. I also feel shame about it. I appreciate you saying you want to try to connect with me. I feel a connection, even though it’s virtual. I don’t know where to start on this one. A big issue is  that I spent the first 35 years of my life deeply enmeshed in a religion which gave me immense meaning and security. Everything in my life was geared toward that religion. I had many great friends in the religion. Then I found out the religion was not based on true events. I tried to continue to be part of the religion, but I felt so hypocritical. Losing the religion stripped me of  my security and sense of meaning. I also have trouble truly feeling a connection with others because they don’t share those essential life experiences that came through my religion. One thing that has hurt me also, I think, is having my two sons grow up and leave home. Being a mother gave me meaning (although I was very depressed then, too). But I feel if I embrace the idea that I am still a mom, and they are my children, and this will always be one of the most meaningful things I have done, I feel more confident and at peace.

Work: Those were great suggestions I gave! I do agree with them. But I am definitely NOT 60% okay with my job. I keep my job because it pays quite well, I work from home, and my hours are completely flexible. But my work provides no fulfillment. I don’t feel good about accomplishing anything. I don’t experience flow hardly ever. So it like I am living a lie to do my job. I often have to sleep in the middle of the day to “come down” from the show I am putting on for everyone.  On one hand I do try to do a good job, and my students really like me, so I feel sort of okay about that. But since it is a lie, I feel pretty horrible about it. I have tried to do other things, but it’s hard to replace the salary and the  work from home and the flexibility. I read the woman who writes Brain Pickings 7 Keys to a Happy Life, and she says never do something only for money, prestige or to assuage guilt. I would say I do my job only for money, and I do feel it has hurt my spiritual growth. I started selling real estate on the side. That has been sort of okay, but I really don’t like trying to say the right thing in the right way to get someone to let me help them buy or sell a house. HOWEVER I think I am going to try to totally be okay with my life and job  as is and see what happens. I will try to practice gratitude, self-discipline, self-care, etc., and I will try focusing on my students rather than the curriculum and see what happens. I feel good about this plan.

Thank you for listening to me! If you have more questions or ideas, I would love to hear them.

Thank you both for your responses. I have contemplated what you have said over the past few days. I realize I cannot blame the loss of my religion for all of my sadness and disappointed. As I was experiencing my sadness, I also realized suddenly that I am sort of being a spoiled brat about life. It’s as if I’m saying, “I’m not going to be happy unless I have a perfect life, and I am pretty upset that perfect life hasn’t been presented to me yet!” Hahaha – but seriously, that is sort of the attitude underlying all my disappointment. I look at happy people and I do think part of it is they just have humbly accepted what life has dealt them and find joy wherever they can. I don’t know where I got this horrible sense of entitlement.

I also appreciated the suggestion to just get out and have an adventure. I am trying to just have more fun each day. It’s true I am so amazingly focused on working and improving that I often forget to just be myself and have fun. I am  trying. One thing that gets in my way are my two doggies! I hate to leave them, and I don’t really have anyone to help me watch them. I do have one woman I might ask. Your idea of joining a commune of sorts is tempting. All of those ideas are good. I don’t know how I would swing it. There aren’t many of those  opportunities where I live now. I was about to sell my house and move to a small house in Iowa, but alas I have saved that adventure for another day. Also it seems I always think those kinds of moves will solve my problems, but they rarely do.

I was doing better, but today I was feeling sad again. One thing that always brings me down is a sense that I have failed in life. I really feel that I have. I was one of those gifted children, and I thought I would achieve so much! But here I am having so little. It is hard to go on often. I have not done as much as I thought I would career wise (my friends are doctors and lawyers and ceos). I don’t have the family I always wanted. I tried real estate and it’s a joke; I hate trying to sell myself. So – there is so much shame, and I know this gets in the way of me connecting with others. I tried to move into other careers that would draw on my natural talents more, but they have not worked out. I’m tired of trying.

With the failure of my real estate attempt, I am feeling I will wholeheartedly throw myself into teaching again. I will try to be successful there.

Another thing I didn’t tell you is I am sort of involved with someone. It is not perfect, but some of the time I respect him and feel we connect, and it does give me a sense of security. And he really does love me. He has a company and he is on the brink of some serious success. If that works out, it will open many opportunities to us. It will be interesting to see if it happens and how that changes me. I am thinking it is life’s secret gift it has been waiting to give me. I hope that is the case. We’ll see :-).

Thank you for listening and helping! Sorry for the slow response.