We were together since I was 19.  She was 18.  She had an abusive boyfriend who left her one day…I moved in a few days later “to help with the bills”.  I remember the first night I slept there.  She didnt want to sleep in the bed and he took all the furniture so I layed on one side of the room, while she fell asleep on the other.  In the morning she was right beside me.  We hadnt really known each other before that.  Looking back I see it was ridiculous to move in with each other and start a relationship.  If my kids were to do that today, I would have a cow.

Back then, we were both the jealous, insecure type.  I felt loved when she would show jealousy and insecurity that I might not stay with her.  I am guessing she felt the same thing.  So our “relationship rules” began to develop on a surface of jealousy and insecurity that we both found to be acceptable at the time.  Soon enough, she wanted a child.  I indicated that it was too soon for that and I wasn’t ready but she insisted and said that I must not love her if I wouldn’t want to have a child.  I gave in and 9 months later my daughter was born.  For the record, despite all the pain and anquish, I would do it all over again, make the same choices because that is the only way I could have THIS daughter again.  My daughter and in fact my children that I had with this women are without a doubt the GREATEST thing that has every happened to me.  The universe has a funny way of balancing out I have learned.  23 years of pain, but the greatest kids I could ever hope to have.

Early on her jealousy and insecurity prevented me from going to the Gym, hanging out with friends, going to college.  The pain I endured revolved around trying to do the things I wanted to do that I felt NORMAL people would do and constantly being manipulated into not doing those things.  We would have arguments about it and she would eventually give in and “let” me do the things I wanted but there would always be a price.  Every time I would actually engage in those activities she didnt want me to engage in, she would be cold, and mean.  I went to school, but if I had required group work, there could be NO WOMEN in my group.  I actually dropped a class once because of this requirement.  This was a pattern that existed all through out our relationship.  I was not allowed to have any friends that were of the opposite sex.  I was very much the same way with respect to freinds but not with things she wanted to do.  The thing was…she didnt WANT to do ANYTHING.  she was content to sit at home and watch TV all day.

Ultimately, I grew up.  I began to understand how a healthy relationship “should” be and that allowing  MY jealousy and insecurity to affect the person I love’s happiness is extremely selfish.  I had that realization and she NEVER did.  I feel like in some ways this is not all her fault, we both got into this and started our relationship based on these “rules” and I grew out of them not her.  Now I left her…and she is still who she was when she was 18.  Her earning ability is dramatically different that mine.  I went to College and have a great job, while she never was interested despite me WANTING her to go.  She is still that jealous, insecure, scared 18 year old and I walked away from her and allowed her to remain that way.  I tried for years and years to change her.  I even tried to leave her 7 years ago citing all these issues as the “why”.  She begged me to stay and promised to work on her issues and she “kind of” did but not in the right way, in my opinion.  She still felt all the jealousy, insecurity and still didnt want me to do anything…she would just supress those feelings.  She became an unhappy, withdrawn, person and even became, in my opinion, dependent on opioids to make her feel better.

So…Not only did I give up on her.  I left her with very little income potential.  Now I have agreed to give her more than what my states alimony laws require which is more than enough for her to live on (for 2 years) AND I have agreed to pay off her brand new car.  But…when that 2 years is up…then what?  I will have destroyed her life so that I can be happy.  If she were to do something like commit suicide, it would end me.  I am sure of it.

Why couldnt she goto counseling?  Why couldnt she listen to me when I told her we needed to work on stuff?

I cant talk to anyone about this because its not fair to bring my kids into this (they are adults now), and all my friends hated her anyway.  I certainly cant talk to my GF about this.  I am just waiting for it to pass.  Hoping that she starts a new life and is happy.  Maybe she can fix some of her issue now that she has suffered loss and consequence from them.  Sometimes you need a new start to make real change.

To you Anita, I want to thank you.  You have listened to me and as I sit here with tears running down my face writing this, I feel a sense of relief just telling SOMEONE whats going on in my head.

That is exactly how I feel.  Survivor guilt seems to match very well.  I did often feel like I needed (wanted) to rescue her and while I don’t feel any direct association with that and my own trauma as a child, I can logically see where you are going with that.  Another thing that impacts me and is one of the reasons I waited till my kids were graduated was that My biological mother left me when I was around 6 or 7.  She chose a man that didn’t want any of her baggage so she sent the baggage to child services.  My Father rescued me and my Sisters from child services and I grew up with him and my sisters ever since.  He has since passed away and my biological mother is out of the picture.  I bring this up because i’m seeing an association with THAT experience and feeling guilt about leaving my wife who I may see as a child needing rescued.  A child like me on that front porch waiting for Child Services to take me away.  My Dad rescued me that day, but who is going to rescue my Wife.

Im going to look up books on Survivor Guilt because I really think you may have hit something there.