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Can't get over him even though I know he isn't the one

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Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • September 27, 2016 at 8:07 am #116398
    Chanel
    Participant

    We started a casual relationship for almost a year which was hard for me because I wanted more. He then moved 4 hours away for work and we kept the relationship going and eventually became a real couple. Long distance wasn’t so bad. I loved him because he was smart and confident and it was just him and me. He had no family around or friends. I knew there were red flags him not being family or friend oriented and he was very selfish (something he admits) but I loved him deeply. We broke up because I was trying to get him to be more affectionate, change him to be a way he isn’t he said. He was a closed box, never talked about feelings, never said I love you unless I said it first. I was devastated when we broke up. But realized right away I wasn’t getting what I needed from him. It felt like a weight lifting off my shoulders at first. But now I want him back even though I know it’s not right for us. I’m suffer from anxiety and mild depression and just want to be happy. How do I be happy alone? I have been in 3 back to back relationships and need to figure out how to be alone.

    September 27, 2016 at 8:46 am #116403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chanel:

    To be happy alone…

    Alone, I was never alone. I had people talking to me in my head. I wasn’t hearing voices like a person in a psychotic episode, but as I found out- we all “hear voices” of people in our past.

    If the “voices” in a person’s head are criticizing and scaring the person, then the person is anxious and/ or depressed. If so, the person needs to identify those voices and start a new voice, or Self Talk, such that is calming, soothing… true.

    What do you think?

    anita

    September 27, 2016 at 10:36 am #116428
    Chanel
    Participant

    Yes I started looking into meditation last night but didn’t know where to start.. Looking into mantra meditation maybe. Any suggestions on the best or easiest way for a beginner?

    September 27, 2016 at 10:43 am #116429
    Chanel
    Participant

    We are trying to stay friends but some days I sit around stuck thinking about him, txting him about how depressed I am. I feel so pathetic, should I not stay in touch with him for now?

    September 27, 2016 at 11:10 am #116431
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chanel:

    Reads to me that it would be a better choice for you not to stay in touch with him. Being in touch with him meant so far that you are stuck texting him about how depressed you are over the ending of the relationship with him. When you share that with him, you are in affect continuing the relationship. He is not a friend with whom you are talking about ANOTHER person, ex boyfriend. He is one and the same. So in essence, the relationship you want to end is still going on.

    anita

    September 27, 2016 at 11:45 am #116435
    Chanel
    Participant

    Thanks Anita, I don’t understand why I was happy about breaking up and now even though I know he isn’t a good match for me I want him back. Stuff like that just keeps going through my head.

    September 27, 2016 at 12:11 pm #116438
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chanel:

    think you were happy at first because you felt a relief from the distress you felt when in relationship with him. Now you want him back because you are lonely. At first all you felt was a relief and that felt good. Over time, you felt the loneliness and that felt bad.

    If you go back with him, you may feel good for a short time, a relief from your loneliness, but over time, soon enough you will feel the distress again.

    So there are two distresses: one is the one you experience when in relationship with him; the other distress is the loneliness you feel when not in a relationship. So for now it is one or the other distress.

    Best is tolerate the second distress, make the best of your life as is, and in the future make a better choice of a man, one available emotionally.

    anita

    September 27, 2016 at 1:46 pm #116473
    Chanel
    Participant

    That totally makes sense. Thank you so much, I don’t really have anyone I want to talk about this stuff with,and that is why I talk to him. But he doesn’t say much helpful.. when I do talk about it with someone else everything makes sense.

    September 27, 2016 at 2:31 pm #116487
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear chanel:

    So keep talking to the person who makes sense, and keep posting here. I will answer every time.

    anita

    September 27, 2016 at 10:13 pm #116534
    Chanel
    Participant

    Hi Anita, I ended up having a good day. Thanks again for your support

    September 28, 2016 at 10:20 am #116569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, chanel. Anytime.
    anita

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