Hello tiny buddha, I’ve been reading articles and topics on here for a while trying to find help but I just don’t know what to do.

I’m not sure where to start with this, but I can’t get my ex-girlfriend out of my head, even though its been more than a year since we broke up. I was in the military and stationed in Korea, and going through with a divorce (military members, it was a ‘BAH marriage’. Yes, dumb I know) when I started messaging a girl I knew from back in high school because she was online when I was. We talked for close to 6 months and it very quickly went from friendly conversation, to flirting and sharing intimate stories with each other. We just clicked together so well. I was planning on taking vacation to visit home and family, and most importantly her.

We went on a date within the first 3 days of me being home and officially started the relationship. Everything was great, we were both so in love with each other, I told her I never felt this way with someone before, that I actually felt wanted and special in my life, that it was like I finally was content with life and that I loved her 4 weeks into our relationship. She was shocked but said she was falling for me too, and said that she loved me 3 months later. But, I had to go back to Korea. We both knew it was going to be a LDR but we wanted to try anyway. Things went well at first since I worked nightshift so it was daytime in the States and we could text and talk. about 6 months pass and my job changed, I was in charge of a lot of projects and started to get stressed out and numb to most of my emotions. I desperately wanted to see her so I paid for her to fly out to Korea so we could have a vacation together, and it was great. I still remember feeling my heart swell and beat faster when I saw her come out of customs at the airport. But she had to leave. We tried setting skype dates but the connection would never keep, and 7 months later I’m in class for promotion, getting trained in a new job, and extremely stressed out and numb again.

I have to break here, and fill you in about me. I said that I was in love, but I had never been in love before. Not towards my family, any girlfriend before this, this was my first real long-term relationship. While I had fond feelings for my ex-wife, we were never mutually in love with each other. And during this time, those happy, tender feelings towards my girlfriend were gone. I couldn’t even recall being happy when I was with her, and this tortured me because I knew she was in love with me and I felt awful since I felt like I was leading her on. So I told her what I was going through, and how we would want to go about it and started talking about the future. (at this time I had planned on going to college out of state and she wanted to stay at home and work on her dream career). I suggested to take a break in the relationship, and while reluctant she agreed to it, but told me she was really hurt, and that she truly did love me, and that I was worth waiting for. 3 months later she asked if I wanted to continue since a break isn’t the same as a break up, and I told her I didn’t want her to hang on to someone who couldn’t be there for her, and to make the best decision for her, and we broke up.

We still kept in contact, while not as frequently, but still there. And a couple months later I was honorably discharged from the military and returned home. We decided to meet up and have dinner, and when I saw her again all those emotions came flooding back to me. I asked if she wanted to start our relationship up again but she had found someone else. I told her that I still had feelings and it was the distance that I couldn’t stand, but after thinking on it for a while she still decided to go with the other guy. I said that it was ok, that I wanted her to be happy, even if it wasn’t with me. She then said she’d always be there for me and that I was one of her closest friends.

I was hurt, and started getting into opiates and heroin to help me feel something besides pain. She said she didn’t want to cut contact and we still talked. She ended up breaking up with the guy later and told me that she didn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. During this time I started trying to get clean, and seeing a psychologist since I started having real suicidal ideations. It turns out that I’ve had major clinical depression and abandonment issues due to childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Since she was the person I felt the closest to I tried to confide in her what was going on. Slowly though she would wouldn’t respond to my texts, or when she would it’d be dry and cold. I panicked and got even more needy and clingy and finally got to the point to where I asked if we were even friends. She said she didn’t want to cut ties completely but that she would prefer us to be acquaintances, and that she didn’t have to emotional capacity to help me.

That hurt, and I guess I never mentally or emotionally processed that we weren’t a couple anymore until that point. I wrote her a letter to give her all my emotions, to say that there was no one else I ever wanted to be with I was sorry for being emotionally immature, and to thank her for everything she did. That was 3 months ago (so we’ve been broken up for a year) and our contact has been limited (happy birthdays/holidays, and me helping her find a new job).

So now we’re here. I still think about her everyday, though I don’t get anxiety as to why she isn’t responding or whatever as much anymore. I asked her how we want to go about this, whether to cut ties since I don’t think I could ever be just friends, especially once two people have been lovers before. She doesn’t want to cut ties, but is uncomfortable around me because she knows she hurt me and can’t do anything about it, and that she was dating someone else.

I don’t know what to do. I want to hold the love that she gave me that I’m so thankful for in my heart, but when I think of her the pain always comes back, and I start going over things again in my head, finding her faults and trying to demonize and hate her. There’s times I want to yell at her and start a fight, or remove her from facebook (our main communication point, even after I’ve been back home), but at the same time I don’t want to lose contact with her. I want us to still be friends since our interests and hobbies align so well, but I don’t know if it really is for that reason or because I want to keep some type of connection or link to our relationship alive. Though she hasn’t said it, I think that’s the reason she doesn’t want to cut ties as well.

I’m sorry for the huge block of text, but I don’t know what to do. I’m feel so lost and empty. I’ve tried to go on dates with other girls, but none of them captured my interest or had that connection Shannon and I had. It feels like I’ll never experience love again, and that that was my one chance for happiness and now it’s gone.