Hi all! It seems I have stumbled upon this somehow by Google today. I was hesitant to post at first, but… here we go.

I’m a first year medical student currently on winter break. After what has literally been the longest semester of school in my life, I can’t seem to enjoy the break. I am at home with family, but probably spent most of my time on Netflix in my room. I’ve found myself up most nights browsing the web and reflecting on anything and everything, and by reflecting, I really mean worrying and unnecessarily analyzing. This isn’t exactly the first time this has happened. I have felt “moody” on breaks in the past. Which could possibly explain why I graduated undergrad, started graduate school three weeks later, completed a masters in a year, and started medical school three weeks after completing the requirements for the masters. I suck at free time, and I love being busy – but I think I love it because I know that free time leads to… this.

I am somewhat of an introvert, but people who know me wouldn’t necessarily tag me as such. I know everyone in my year, and quite a few in the years above and below me, and a lot of people know me. But I tend to only keep a few really close friends at any given time. So, with no plans yet for New Year’s Eve… my mind is literally racing with thoughts of how people in our class must not like me (which I know is completely stupid). My boyfriend is with family out of state. He’s in my year, and we started dating a few months ago. During school, we’re both excellent about giving each other space. You have to when you take all the same exams on the same days. But since break, I feel like I am always anxious for him to text me. I find myself worrying about little details of our relationship – age difference, getting through med school together, [insert more crap I normally never have time to worry about here]. I’ll dwell on anything and everything.

My mom has dealt with depression and anxiety in the past. I have had some issues in high school and undergrad, but sort of buried myself into something, pressed on, and tried to ignore it. I guess I am sort of at odds with how to deal with this. I would like to enjoy the last week of my break, and future breaks for that matter. I also wonder if this is something that I should be addressing on a larger scale in my life – while school is going on and such. Normally, I think my friends would tell you I’m one of the happiest people in our class – it’s why they were so excited when my bf and I started dating – we’re both two of the “happiest, nicest people in the class.” Considering this isn’t the first time this has happened, I want to give this serious consideration… seeing mental health services at school, taking up yoga, getting a life coach. The latter two are actually things the bf already does. Not to knock medication, especially considering I’m in medicine, I feel like I have personally seen with my mom that medication isn’t a permanent, integrative solution. I shouldn’t be tailspinning into thoughts about the purpose of my life and worrying if I’m fully contributing to it every time I have an extended break. Any advice or words of wisdom is greatly appreciated.