August 24, 2013 at 4:29 am #41084
I can’t believe that I didn’t see this sooner – the man is a Fly-Fisherman for Heaven’s sake!
He threw out his line on the first day I worked with him, slowly drawing me nearer with sideways glances he wanted me to catch, body language that indicated he was interested. Then, when I came in closer, he started “revealing” how unhappy he was at home, with a STORY of a wife that had trapped him into marriage with a baby after their first roll in the sack. He said she was just using him. He said she wouldn’t have sex with him anymore because she’d been raped in the past. He told me intimate details about their lack of a love life – me, a woman fresh off a divorce and a bit lacking in the self-esteem area.
The bait was more than I could resist. I bit down hard and confided to him that I had developed feelings for him and that I had the indication he had feelings for me also. He told me how flattered he was, but he doesn’t date women he works with. It destroyed me! He knew I had a compassionate, gentle heart and he used it against me. But I didn’t see it at the time…I felt like ashamed of myself and my lack of self-control. I felt that he didn’t want me because…x,y, z – pick one. I beat myself up pretty bad.
Within the next week at work, we had gone back to friends. I had let it go. Within a month he was back at it, the lingering eye contact, the crotch-rocking in my direction, asking me all kinds of personal questions. At first I swam well clear of it, thinking it was all in my mind – but no. Example: He drives by where I live when he “escapes from his home situation” every weekend. (I must admit I chose this apartment complex back in the beginning for that very reason – what a fool I am). But then he asked me which apartment in the complex was mine. I thought he had surely changed his mind. I sent him the google maps I had made for my my friends. He didn’t speak to me for 4 days. Again, I went away extremely humiliated and hurting so bad. He treated me like he was tired of tolerating my pathetic crush. I prepared myself for a very difficult time working together until this thing went away.
A month later now and he’s doing it again ladies! The finesse he has with his fishing line is amazing. He’s starting his divorce proceeding. He doesn’t tell me this, but his buddy at work tells me – point blank. In the meantime, he knew I was going up north for the weekend. He knew I was going up alone as a quiet getaway at the lake. He asked me where I was staying. He asked me what I was going to be doing. He recommended a bar. He tells me that the lake by his cabin would be great for my kayak. He shows me how to find it on the internet. He shows me what his cabin up north looks like. In a vacuum, this sounds perfectly innocent right. Knowing, as he does, that I still carry these feelings around, is it innocent? Couple that with the deep “into my eyes” looks, the smile in his eyes, and the eminent divorce thing floating around in my mind. I thought, Aha! We won’y be anywhere near work! He will come to me and reveal his true feelings. He never showed. I sent him a dry text telling him that the club he recommended was fun and thanked him. I wasn’t going to let him know what a let-down THAT turned out to be.
I am his “catch and release” girl. He thought he could hook me whenever he wanted and for nearly 8 months he could. I figured it all out finally. God sent a lightening bolt to shock me into consciousness, I don’t know. This guy is a finesse player my friends. He is skilled at it. Don’t bite on that line if this ever happens to you. See it for what it is – a beautiful bait-fly with a hook just underneath. He has no intention of keeping you, he just wants to watch you bite the bait.
August 25, 2013 at 2:46 am #41105
- This topic was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by LisaS.
MMmmm….. Don’t beat yourself up over falling for this Lisa! There are so many ‘predators’ out there whose ego is more important to them than another person’s feelings. I am in my fifties and although the actual circumstances were different, I fell for a similar sort of man. Like you I was recently divorced, feeling vulnerable and felt overwhelming compassion for him because his former partner had been physically violent towards him. This, and certain aspects of his personality, hooked me in initially and I quickly got involved. I made excuses for some extremely hurtful behaviour from him and four years later realised that he was still strongly attached to another former partner he failed to mention until two years after our relationship had begun. The rest is history but basically I have given him time, love, support when he needed it, and loyalty over nearly five years.
Having read about committment phobia and the strange behavioural traits that go with it, I will be in a better position to spot it next time and I would suggest that you look into it too – some of the signs are much more subtle than the man in your situation showed. I’m also trying to release those hurt feelings rather than stuff them down inside me, because that just stores up problems for the future.
Be glad that you are yourself and not someone like him – you can find a loving and fulfilling relationship with someone else but I doubt very much that he can. I wish you lots of luck in the future.