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  • May 21, 2017 at 12:53 pm #150203
    Sassypants
    Participant

    I’m at a cross roads on what to do… Long story short was dating a great guy, until he emotionally cheated on me while I was away for 8 months. I was mainly with him because I felt our trust and loyalty was spot on. We were awesome together and apart, as he is away for 6 months at a time for work. I have faithfully put up with the long distance multiple times for him while at work and this one time I leave he goes astray. He was talking to his ex, met her for lunch a couple of times, called her things he called me, sent pictures back and forth etc, but it never got physical. I even reached out to her and asked, female to female, and she said it was purely on a friends level then blocked me after 2 texts, weird.

    When trust is broken it’s hard to earn it back. We’ve spent some time together trying to salvage what’s left. Now he is gone for his job and the pieces are still broke. Some insight as to why he did it…. I didn’t make him feel wanted. He mistakens my strong independence as that I care less. I am just strong and don’t depend on anyone to get through this world. I can be happy alone, but  would prefer to have his companionship, but know I can be ok without it and I’m honest about that.

    Anyways he’s back to work, away for 6 months. Idk what to do. He came home this weekend, and the excitement that we once had wasn’t there and he wasn’t physical with me. I know showing up is have the battle and there was effort there, but I need more after what has happened. I’ve asked for passwords to help build trust and nothing has been done. I think I deserve more than just showing up. Our contact is limited too due to his job so it’s very limiting on what can be done. He’s told me he would regret this if things didn’t workout. We keep saying one day at a time, but he’s gone until November. Idk how I can deal with this, not knowing what I want, what we are, and the little he will be able to give as his work takes precedence. I feel that he needs to do more as he is the person that put us here… Is that wrong? He is a good person and he did make a mistake but everything just feels so numb and dead. I feel cold and can’t say I love you or I miss you back because the trust is gone. Everything that we stood for is no longer in place. Lost…..

    May 21, 2017 at 3:45 pm #150213
    Craig
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    You said: “he is the person that put us here.”

    It seems to me that you have a choice. You can be “right” or you can be in relationship. If you want this relationship to work, you probably will have to look at what was not working prior to the incident, and own your role while he has to own his role.

    I am NOT saying that you have any responsibility for his actions. You are only responsible for your actions.

    Something was breaking down in your relationship before he did the actions of contacting his ex. You were delving into it with this: “Some insight as to why he did it…. I didn’t make him feel wanted. He mistakens my strong independence as that I care less. ”

    You could discard him if you so choose. But if you want this relationship to survive and thrive, I think you and he will have to talk and learn and understand everything that was going on with him at the time, and everything going on with you at the time. All people make sense all of the time. If you understand his sense, and he understands your sense, you can probably get through this.

    Craig

     

    May 23, 2017 at 11:58 am #150416
    secularbuddhist
    Participant

    The best thing to do in your situation is to stop trying to be in control.  Why do you want his passwords?    So you can give yourself the illusion of control?  Sharing passwords with eachother in order to feel secure is a big red flag that something is wrong.  In the end, no matter how many of his passwords you have, you will never be in control of who he talks to or what he does, and that’s a good thing.  Don’t madden yourself with the illusion of control.

    Unfortunately, you can’t expect anything extra because of what he did in the past.  He doesn’t deserve to be on a leash or stuffed into a cage, but more importantly, YOU don’t deserve to have to deal with that.  That’s just not how relationships work: he didn’t hurt you on purpose–in fact, I bet he was trying as hard as he could not to hurt you, and that’s why punishing him doesn’t make sense, and also why it won’t make you feel any better.  If you think you can’t be happy with just forgiving him and going back to being equals, then you probably should just end it.

     

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