What i missed about that person was the sheer joy in each message sent, back and forth like no other care in the world, just living life and having each other to share our happiest feelings for each other no matter how little we’ve seen one other from such a close distance. Maybe it was what we both lost like the purity in love we started to understand together, in a new way we didn’t was acceptable unless the latter was only my thought. He could’ve had a bigger loss for not only distorting commitments between friends and relationships but also not wanting to admit that he hurt someone, not wanting to see the flaws because of swearing not to do things that others have done to him before, to defy patterns of passing down certain traits. I know he does, its just the wrong choices made because of thinking they’ll be right later on or sometimes not seeing how others see those choices wrong, or simply confused of what it takes to get something better by giving up other priorities. If there were shared dreams lost, it’d be to continue showing love for a long time.
The problem I knew couldn’t be solved that he made me emphasize anyways were the two different wishes we couldn’t give each other at least not quite yet; he wanted to be everyone’s protector that’s what made him happy even doing things he wouldn’t be part of anyways, and in a way I wanted to be available for anyone who needed me but more effectively one person at different times, and for me to somehow have that someone who can give what I would give: a dedicated and more committed to me kind of person than someone running off somewhere when they don’t feel the time for me; the biggest fear I have in a person who i hope I don’t become myself. Sometimes I may brush off people for unrealistic wishes to take action into what I’d want after telling them, hoping that it was worth the time and effort to tell them in the first place. Although I am starting to learn that whether anyone who knows how I feel can do anything about it or not, it helps both sides unravel answers otherwise unseen. For me to gain the courage and words to describe these continuous concerns of mine and for the person listening to look into a new perspective, realizing where they stand and how maybe they can support unspoken.
No one knows what could happen later, but at the moment this is merely a vent and thought process of what happened. What happened basically being me breaking off with this person who I went out with because of not giving as much time to go out with me, even if writing this now may seem like a mundane reason to stop being with a person you care about. Even though at the same time he decided to go out with someone he knew for most of his life. After months of the separation he declared he still loved me despite continuing to do it with that someone. Having a hard time of what’s best for me and not wanting to let go of feelings only for rational and norm reasons, I told him about feeling the same way. Except it wasn’t going to be easy to get back together so the frustration of letting go to the point of no return built up and I expected a lot more than I usually do so he got angry at my high demands, wanting to not talk for a while.
For now, I forget and forgive whatever happened for whatever causes. I give space and respect him while I continue life, hoping to find something better to ponder on.