My bf and I have spats frequently, often over small things like a remark or a communication mishap. I think we have very different communication styles — I say exactly what I’m thinking and like to talk things out, while he does not express anger and thinks any dissonance whatsoever is a disaster. Although he is conflict-averse, I sometimes do not feel his actions lead to harmonious situations.

For example: over the weekend he was hosting guests, and got a cab so we could go out. Not everyone would fit in one, but I assumed he’d be getting in and he didn’t. I rode downtown with 6 very nice people, but I didn’t know them. I told him later that all I needed was for him to tell me he’d be following behind and that would be fine. He said he “thought our relationship was strong enough” that I’d know that.

Another example: He got upset with me for asking him the same question twice, because he thought I was criticizing him. So he yelled at me. I was startled and hurt, so I withdrew and became quiet. He said he wasn’t yelling at me, he was yelling at himself, but then acted strangely towards me and insisted he was not angry. The next day, at my asking, he said he had in fact, been angry with me.

I would like to talk with him about what we both need communication-wise. Is that a productive conversation to have? If so, what do we discuss? Is it a relationship that is doomed if that is on the table to discuss, since communication is really the most important thing?