Tom,

I’m sorry for the difficulty and pain you’re having. I know how unsettling it can be when our thoughts spin us down into feelings of darkness and suffering. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy, and you’re much closer than you think. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider for a moment that perhaps the experiences you’ve been through have taught you an amazing lesson. Sure, they’ve been painful, but that pain has made you alert, aware. Can you see how you flip flop from despair to inspiration fairly easily? You read a few words on a website somewhere, and the clouds clear, even for a moment, and you feel some peace? That is wonderful! Consider that you’re experiencing the impermanence of emotions very potently, very awakely. This is wonderful!

Of course, it fades quickly, as it always does when it is tied to external circumstances. Said differently, because you’re allowing the positive energy of others mold and shape your feelings in the moment, it means that your body responds really well to energy. To go from a place of negative to positive with only a few words and concepts?

The trick now is only to help you rekindle the inner joy that can remain alight independent of these words, the girl, the friend, or the time away. If you can find a way to create joy-fusion, then the clouds will remain parted. This is waaay easier than you think, but does take consistent practice and an open mind. The great news is that because you’re now fully awake to the painfulness inside you, and have seen the flip flop of impermanence, you’ll naturally move toward creating that! See how simple it is? Your body gets hungry, and you eat. Your body gets emotionally dark, and you enlighten. Grass grows, nature being natural.

Consider that the nourishment the body needs is self nurturing, and if you’re with me so far, have faith that a huge part of the light you’re seeking arises from a metta meditation practice. Metta is a feeling of warmth that arises in the chest, and as it does, the mind becomes smooth, peaceful, curious, and free from negative thoughts. At first, it may very well be like you’ve seen so far. While you are on the cushion, the warmth will arise, and as you get up, the warmth will fade after a few moments. Don’t worry, that’s normal, usual. But, the next time you sit on the cushion, it will arise more potently, and last longer. After even just a few weeks of practice, it will sustain until some event triggers you. After a few months, you can become like an oak or bamboo reed, either letting the world pass by your thick and joyous heart, or bending around each event like a dancer.

The path is so beautiful, and so nourishing that if you decide to jump off the cliff and start a metta practice, you’ll quickly see just how beautiful you are, dear brother. Consider searching YouTube for “metta guided meditation” and checking a few out. Sharon Salzburg has a great one, so does Ajahn Brahm, but because you have such a strong sensititivty to energy, you may find any number of them quite striking.

Namaste, my brother, may you find the love and light you seek.

With warmth,
Matt