Forum Replies Created
December 28, 2013 at 8:40 am #47758
Thank you Mark
I think you’re absolutely right. I don’t really express myself too well and when I talk to friends I begin to babble making myself look silly and feel insecure. A quick background into my life. Was Daddy’s girl, encouragement given by Dad to proceed in life (which was not pursued due to mom wearing trousers). Arranged marriage at 17 (arranged by mom and uncles), lasted 3 years. Divorcee with a son for 5 and a half years. Re-married to someone of my choice, initially I wasn’t accepted by his family due to being a divorcee with a child. My family members although in existence, drifted away as they weren’t fond of him either. Went through all aspects of abuse from ‘then’ husband and verbal abuse from his family, kept it all hush hush. His family accepted me 2 years later and eventually fell in love with me for the person that I was. 2007 my father taken extremely ill, abroad, went to visit with my brother. Within the week of being there, my father passed away. In the meantime, my son ‘then’ 10 yrs of age was sexually assaulted by my ex husband (his step father) in our home (whilst I was abroad at my father’s bedside during his last breaths). This lowlife of a human, not only tortured me upon my return to the UK a week after burying my father abroad, but made himself out to be someone who was next to being GOD……I couldn’t grieve as I was fearful of him. He was a control freak and would put me down constantly. ……. DV was a constant in my marriage from the time of marriage and the initial break up of the marriage was due to abuse which I no longer could tolerate. 2 months after the separation, my son came clean with what he had suffered in the hands of this monstrosity whom I looked to as a protector. My world collapsed around me……. I should have seen this coming, but I didn’t. I NEVER thought that he would turn out to be this evil. Married for over 11 years adding 2 more boys to marriage, I tolerated the anger, hurt, pain and abuse over the years ALONE……this was it. To cut a long story short, the ex husband was found guilty on 4 accounts. Given a 4 year imprisonment (disgusting!!!!) 2 of which he served in prison and the other 2 years which he will be on licence for as of tomorrow (29th December 2013) when he will be released……… So for me its been a long testing few years, but I guess for me to be here, stronger than ever, yes with outbreaks of teardrops every now and again but still soldiering on I guess I can only have some hope for the future…………………….. My father is my guardian angel and I know that he watches over me all the time…………. I miss him very much and I sure miss being center of attention at times too………………….I guess more the ‘you’ll be ok’s’ and hugs………………. 🙁December 15, 2013 at 4:57 pm #46807
Thanks Sandy. I began diverting my focus away from negativity to positivity by undertaking activities, voluntary work etc on a constant basis, that I didn’t give myself time to focus on anything negative. I even thought I was beginning to get to know myself for the first time until it took just a minute for me a couple of nights ago whereby I lost my focus completely. I felt so lost. I began to question myself again……….. the only purpose I have in life is to be the mother to my three kids………I have great friends, but as mentioned before, they all have their own lives to get on with…………..I don’t even have the confidence to be able to be honest with my friends and tell them how I feel as I want to maintain the person I am to them a very confident and strong willed person full of life and laughter ………….I try to be strong and I am most times as I pick myself up when I get knocked down but these sudden knock backs and pick ups is draining me out slowly but surely. I feel stuck…… without even realising a couple of days ago, I found myself crying whilst carrying out the housework. I was confused as to why….. my mind was a bag of mixed emotions but yet it made no sense as I couldn’t put a finger on what the reasons where for me to be so down and low. I locked myself in my bedroom and cried like a baby……..my children were around and I didn’t want them to see me in that state…….I felt so lost and lonely. I cried throughout that day and even cried myself to sleep………..I so wanted someone to hear my sobs and console me that everything was going to be ok, but then I realised that the only someone that could console me was ME…… so here I am even now, telling myself that everything will be ok…………I have to make everything ok for my children……as for ME, again my purpose of me being here today is for them………December 8, 2013 at 5:34 pm #46427
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words of support. You’re right. I’ve started to have some ‘me’ time. I do voluntary work with 3 different organisations throughout the week whilst the kids are at school which I enjoy doing and get great satisfaction out of doing so. I also make time to go play badminton with my friends at least once a week. I make myself time to watch movies at home after the kids are in bed at least once a week and on occasions go out every once in a while. I’m improving slowly but surely. I live my life without having a care as to what others may think of me as I am now discovering myself and beginning to like who I am.
My strength and willpower are my children and my friends and I’ve gained enough confidence to know what I am good at best. I will continue to live and not let life live me anymore.
RehaDecember 8, 2013 at 5:15 pm #46419
You should be proud of yourself. I’m of Asian origin and always wanted to pursue with my education and do something with my life but let family get in the way by way of bullying please don’t make the same mistake I made. Looking out for your families interest or approval especially if they are the ones dragging you down is not going to help you in the long run. Be you. You believed in yourself that you would achieve in becoming an Engineer and you DID…. Do your masters and follow your heart and achieve your dream. Your success in life will automatically bring your family closer to you. You know Surabhi, being pampered doesn’t fill in the empty space where ‘love’ should be. Some parents may feel they have nothing to give, yet again their presence, words of encouragement is the biggest gift for any child, on the other hand there may be parents who have the riches to pamper you, but don’t have or provide the elements which is of vital importance in a child’s life and that is love and support . Don’t stop being you. You’re beautiful and don’t ever forget it. Its okay to cry. Its even better not to be perfect, but you are. Bullying is not acceptable so don’t accept it. Its through life’s experiences that we realise and become who we really want to become. Your life is just starting and engineering opportunities are worldwide, as the sayings go ‘ live your life, not life live you’ and build your own dreams not get hired to build someone else’s’ Its a big world out there with so many opportunities and so many wonderful people don’t wait for it, go get it. I am from a family of 3 sisters and 1 brother and believe me I understand where you’re coming from. I’ve suffered too I was too scared to even talk, so instead I let myself down by keeping quiet and not having a say in a life, made by them for me, which I didn’t want and didn’t last too long either. However, if I had the knowledge and understanding that I have today, my dream would have been built and my life would have been made by ME. PLEASE don’t make the same mistake as I did. Go fulfil your dreams and ambitions whilst you can……..You can do it……You will do it………Believe in yourself, look after yourself, love yourself. You are YOU………..
All my love
Reha xNovember 3, 2013 at 3:42 am #44777
You are still young and have your entire future ahead of you. Sometimes in life we look for answers so desperately that we don’t see them lying in front of us. Have you tried telling him how you feel and what impact this is having on you and your relationship? Trust is so hard to build and yet so easy to break but it is the vital element in maintaining a marriage. If your trust for your husband is no longer there, the marriage will no longer be the same. However regardless of all that, its all about time. Only time will tell when you’re ready to make your move. I can only tell you from experience that having gone through a similar but more complex situation in life and with the involvement of children, I was so focused in doing the right things for my children that the focus on society, house and even the loneliness was not considered until a latter stage. I had children as my focal point and to a degree I was unable to do things that I wanted to do. Now as my children are getting older and the house dispute is coming to an end I can free myself some spare time for ME. Please don’t ever make the same mistake as I did. ‘HOPE’ was one vital element I lived off after losing ‘TRUST’ and that nearly left me with a mental breakdown. I knew when the right time was for me to walk away and I did. Live your life, love your life, love who you are. In good time all will fall into place for you. You will get your answers.
I wish you all the best and pray that you find all the answers to your questions soon.
Reha xNovember 1, 2013 at 5:10 pm #44756
Skylark…….Thank you xNovember 1, 2013 at 4:58 pm #44755
Thank you all so much for all your kind words and support and as for you Mo, I feel blessed to have friends like you around and I also whole heartedly value your friendship which I’m sure you already know……Its friends like you who make me feel my existence. My days pass by with smiles and a light heart although I also find it truly amazing how people who have never met one another and don’t know each other can also have such a positive impact on others lives and share so much warmth and support enabling one another to see a more clearer and positive vision of their future or the next positive step to take. There are so many wonderful people out there and I feel honoured to be part of that circle.
Thank you all so much. Mo! the message I wrote at work was one I felt in my heart and mind but was too fearful to put down, but you being the friend you are knew that and sent it on my behalf, I’m still laughing about the way that was sent……… but I’m glad. It would be a big step for me to take, but I will one day (hopefully soon) find myself.
xNovember 1, 2013 at 7:28 am #44716
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I am sorry to hear that you suffered in such way. I will take on board your advice and I will also do my utmost best to live MY life for ME. This website was a recommendation to me from a friend but I am so glad that I joined. There are so many amazing people out there that have and are still going through so much pain and hurt which they don’t deserve but yet again are constantly keeping their chin up purely because of the support and warmth they receive from individuals such as yourself. I am at work at present, sitting with a friend and colleague who I’ve just introduced the Tiny Budda website to and he insists that I need to find someone to share my life with to do all the things that I want to do without having to involve the children whilst they are at a vulnerable age. He claims that I use the children as a shield. He thinks that I need a person in my life who would be there when I need them for ME. What do you think?October 30, 2013 at 10:32 am #44587
Thank you for your kind words. I am 38 years old and guess never really got to experience what life was really about as I was married at the age of 17. I’ve never been in any relationships than that of marriage. I do a great deal of community work which I thoroughly enjoy as I feel that I am giving something back to the community which is beneficial to others. I have a great relationship with my children as also know each and every one of their friends and have a great rapport with all our neighbours. I am to be honest pretty much popular for being the ‘coolest mom’, ‘coolest aunt’, ‘coolest neighbour’ and so forth. I do what I do within the community not just for my satisfaction but also to encourage my children to be part of it and for them to know how important it is to live within a diverse community which involves respecting each individual regardless of race, gender or background. I think what I really miss most is being able to be ME. I am who I am for my children but who am I for ME. There are times when I feel I need a cry, a hug or even encouragement and don’t know where to go or who to go to. I have a circle of amazing friends but they too have commitments and I don’t want to burden them. Most times I hug my children and hold back my tears and then go to my room and bury my head into the pillow. I guess had I not had a past that was so daunting then today I wouldn’t need to shed so much tears or feel so much pain, but there are answers I look for and seem not to find any. I am an orphan with a parent who doesn’t realise my existence, but I am also a mother with unconditional love for my children who I protect to the best of my ability. I’m in a life that’s already made by others. To live my life my way would mean for me to be outrageously mad, out of this world, absolutely bonkers as I would live life daringly. I just hope that this pain eventually dies out and I at least get a few years of living my way before my times up.
xOctober 16, 2013 at 10:25 am #43878
Please don’t let no man hurt you. In particular, a man who is not worth hurting over and wants you to feel this way. He obviously was not the right person for you and did not see the beauty within you. Sometimes it is so annoying and frustrating to let man take over control of your life causing you to lose your identity. You are unique in your own way and the right person will come at the right time and when this person does come you will know. I too am a woman who has been through a devastating marriage with constant abuse and all types of torture and which after 12 years of marriage and 2 children I put a stop to. I tried, I gave, I honoured and I trusted but in return I got NOTHING than that of the aforementioned. There’s a saying that goes somewhat like this “one persons loss is another persons gain”. Believe that whatever happens, happens for a reason. You will overcome this feeling and pain and when you do, it will be the most amazing experience. Start by realising that this is probably the best thing that guy ever did. He set you free. Keep your head held high, take pride in the way you look, feel good within yourself. When this guy passes by you and sees that you are so focused and him breaking up with you has done nothing more than make you look and feel amazing, he will feel the pain himself.
Its okay to cry, its okay to feel sick and be physically sick. What isn’t okay is to let such people make you feel like your worth nothing because you yourself know that you are.
Reha xOctober 16, 2013 at 1:54 am #43859
We’ve all experienced such situations in life and believe you me there is nothing better to do than get up in the mornings and think,” right I’m not going to let life live me, I’M going to live life” and that’s exactly what you do. Wake up with a positive attitude. You sound to me like a young man with his entire life laid ahead of him, LIVE IT. I wish I had the opportunity in life where I was able to fulfil my dreams and ambitions and do mad things, but hey up! not all of us are that lucky. When I feel on a low, I go play badminton with my children or my friends, or go gym. Thankfully, I have amazing neighbours who are also my friends and we share the same interests in hobbies, this makes it a lot easier. Go out there and meet people. If you don’t try, you’ll never know. One relationship didn’t happen, but there’s more to come. Build up your confidence and self esteem, try something new and different and you’ll find the answers you’re looking for. You know! a friend who’s very close to my heart said to me once “if you knew, today was your last day to live, would you live it the way you are now?”. That stuck to my mind since and you know what Tom? You too should take this question on board and ask yourself, if this is the way you want to be.
Live life, love life, make your life what you want it to be. You need to go out there and find that something to give you the urge to want to pick yourself up and keep yourself up, not knock you down and keep you down. You need to find the strength within you to believe in yourself and that you’re worth more than what you’re feeling.
I wish you all the best and I know you’ll find the right answers.
RehaOctober 12, 2013 at 6:01 pm #43669
I spent years being made to feel useless and unworthy by my ex and others. It got to a point where I lost my identity. I was a living robot. Doing day work, picking up the kids in the afternoon, cooking, cleaning, washing, mopping and when trying to have a few minutes to relax, no chance!!!!! I had to be the perfect wife, I had no attention being paid for needs or wants I may have had, like any other human being. Even after all the hardship and life experiences suffered, I walked free but with a dark cloud hanging over my head.
From near drowning, I have now somehow reached the surface. I know I have a long way to go but I’m not giving up. I have 3 children who are the light in my life. I have friends from different cultures, beliefs and backgrounds who are my family. I have a family (mother and siblings) to whom I am non-existent. The more I experience life, the more I realise who’s who in my life. I was a successful person 3 years ago, with a good job and a nice car and money coming in and my family worshipped the ground I stood on. Today I have no job and no car and no family, but these things are materials that can and will be gained again in due time (including the family). I have however, my 3 boys who are my world, my pride and joy.
I now live my life the way I want to. I sing, dance, laugh and love unconditionally. I fly freely. I am not in any relationships and don’t look to be either, but I am ME. I am lonely at times but I keep myself busy doing sports and activities with my children and friends. I was tired of being the living dead for years. Now I’m alive again and living my life and letting my kids live theirs too.
Your mind, heart and soul will take you wherever you want to go and in particular how you want to go. Believe in yourself:
Believe in yourself and remember that everything happens for a reason,
Don’t look back on life and have regrets for things that have been done,
For now is the time for you to focus in achieving,
your goals and aims in life and never to stop believing,
Keep looking forward and continue to climb, DONT stop,
Concentrate on what’s ahead until you’ve reached the top,
only then through hardship you’ll know you’ve reached your goal,
Don’t ever look down upon others, as you’re guaranteed to fallOctober 12, 2013 at 11:26 am #43660
Loneliness is a horrible thing to have to experience. On the other hand, its better in some situations to be lonely than that of being in a relationship and still feeling lonely. Some of us don’t admit to feeling lonely, yet again, no matter what, the signs are so clear and transparent around others. You’re only 21 and have a future ahead of you. You will meet someone along your journey of life at some point or other. In the meantime, busy yourself. Get yourself motivated by doing things you enjoy. Life is all about ‘get up and go’. There are so many people out there who are lonely yet again there’s so many ways to overcome the loneliness and its not necessarily to find a partner/girlfriend or boyfriend.
This world is beautiful and life is what you make it out to be. Focus on your education and believe in yourself. Being shy is good, but at the same time build up your confidence. One way of building up your confidence is going out and meeting people. This could be in the form of taking up some sport e.g swimming, badminton or anything you enjoy. I have a circle of friends whom I go play badminton with every 2 to 3 days of the week. Through this, not only have I built up my confidence, but I’ve also met some wonderful people.
You will see a change in you when you start to challenge your own actions and push yourself to do things.
I really wish you all the best and hope that you find the courage to go and build up on your self esteem and confidence.
RehaOctober 12, 2013 at 10:38 am #43659
Its a pleasure and I truly hope that you take on board some of these pointers as I believe you deserve to be treated with love, respect and dignity and as I’ve already mentioned, only YOU can achieve that.
I wish you all the best.
RehaOctober 11, 2013 at 10:49 am #43621
Love is what you want it to be. There are different kinds of love and come in various forms and shapes. There’s sisterly love, brotherly love, parental love, friendship love and all these types of love have deep felt meaning. However, we tend to question ourselves what is ‘LOVE’ as in ‘LOVE’. We all have love within us to some degree. However, how do you define love in a situation where you are married to someone for years and for the time of your togetherness, all you imagined ahead of you were 2 people growing old together, watching the kids grow up and having kids of their own and so forth till one day out of the blue that person turns into a stranger. Someone you’ve never known, yet again thought you had.
Love is something that works on a ‘give and take’ basis with two people being involved. For one person to love alone it is impossible to succeed. A very wise dear friend said to me once ‘to be able to love someone, you need to be able to love yourself’. I was wrapped up in a marriage where it was just me ‘giving’ the marriage 100% and HOPING to get back a little love in return at some point. I focused so hard on this marriage and lost my own identity to keep the identity of others. Fortunately, the marriage broke down, as did the wall that had formed in front of me, breaking down ‘HOPE’. I knew at that stage there was no HOPE.
I now have all the love in the world to share with my children. I have a circle of friends whom I love dearly. I have all positive people around me. Sadly however, I wish I knew what it felt like to be loved outside that of a daughter/sister/mother and friend, but the best thing about my life now is I am my own person and I don’t go out to look for LOVE. As my friends will constantly say ‘ you don’t need to go out to look for love, love will find you’, but I’m not looking. I’m free and I’ve got my identity back.