October 30, 2013 at 3:20 am #44566
Questions upon questions float around me and I seem unable to provide answers. I’m a single mother with 3 boys and a huge disappointment to my family. I lost the only person in my life who made me feel ‘real’ and I felt my existence because of him and that was my father. My father died a few years ago but I was blessed to be by his side at the time. Once upon a time, I was an asset to my family, my mother and my siblings and today I bring shame upon them. I know I did nothing wrong. My past that ‘THEY’ helped create, haunts me day in day out. I was so naïve and thought who better to protect you than that of your own and became their ‘dogs body’. I know and have come to realise that regardless of the support element from them ‘encouraging’ to create my past, I lived in it. I proudly look at my children and promise myself each day, that I will be the best mother and father they could ever ask for. Yet again, I don’t know who I am. I’ve lost the will to live for ‘ME’, I’ve lost the will to be happy for ‘ME’ to be blunt, today I live and breath for my children. I know I live a lie to my own feelings, but that’s seems to be unimportant to me, as long as my children are safe, Is this the right way to think??!!!! I don’t know!!!
I am blessed to have 3 beautiful boys, I am blessed to have wonderful friends around me. Even society acknowledges me, but then why do I feel so torn and why do I care??
but most of all WHO AM I?? or WHAT AM I?October 30, 2013 at 8:53 am #44573HelenParticipant
I am much younger than you, I would assume. But what I can share from my experience is that I had a mother who – during my younger years – was often very unhappy. Even though she focused not only on us children, but she focused on the wrong men. So I guess what I want to say is: a happy mother makes a good mother. If you only, and only live for your kids, you will burn out quickly. There is a saying that yes, you should give to others as much as you can, but don’t give so much that it takes energy from you and who you are. Take care of your happiness, maybe do things like exercise or a new hobby just for yourself but also fun activities with your kids.
Be happy for you – and with that ultimately for your children.
I hope I could help a little.
All the best to you
HelenOctober 30, 2013 at 10:32 am #44587
Thank you for your kind words. I am 38 years old and guess never really got to experience what life was really about as I was married at the age of 17. I’ve never been in any relationships than that of marriage. I do a great deal of community work which I thoroughly enjoy as I feel that I am giving something back to the community which is beneficial to others. I have a great relationship with my children as also know each and every one of their friends and have a great rapport with all our neighbours. I am to be honest pretty much popular for being the ‘coolest mom’, ‘coolest aunt’, ‘coolest neighbour’ and so forth. I do what I do within the community not just for my satisfaction but also to encourage my children to be part of it and for them to know how important it is to live within a diverse community which involves respecting each individual regardless of race, gender or background. I think what I really miss most is being able to be ME. I am who I am for my children but who am I for ME. There are times when I feel I need a cry, a hug or even encouragement and don’t know where to go or who to go to. I have a circle of amazing friends but they too have commitments and I don’t want to burden them. Most times I hug my children and hold back my tears and then go to my room and bury my head into the pillow. I guess had I not had a past that was so daunting then today I wouldn’t need to shed so much tears or feel so much pain, but there are answers I look for and seem not to find any. I am an orphan with a parent who doesn’t realise my existence, but I am also a mother with unconditional love for my children who I protect to the best of my ability. I’m in a life that’s already made by others. To live my life my way would mean for me to be outrageously mad, out of this world, absolutely bonkers as I would live life daringly. I just hope that this pain eventually dies out and I at least get a few years of living my way before my times up.
xOctober 31, 2013 at 8:36 pm #44703MarieParticipant
I am much older than you. My kids are grown and I am about to celebrate my 52nd birthday. It’s odd (or not) that I should randomly find your post tonight on the internet. I have done a complete upheaval in my life after having a heart attack. Don’t smoke, drink, not overweight. Totally stress.
My entire life has been lived for everyone else. I can definitely say life has lived me, I have not lived life. DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! I am just now starting to figure out how to live life.
One day, more quickly than you know, your children will be gone, with lives of their own. Then what? One thing the nurses and doctors and, yes, psychologist emphasized to me after my heart attack was that it does no one any favors when we do and do and do for everyone else and neglect the most important part of that equation: US.
Do whatever you must to find your life. You are doing no one a service by neglecting yourself. In fact, we teach our children that we aren’t that important and, in turn, they carry that forward into their own lives. You are not being selfish when you take time to figure out what YOU want, who YOU are. It teaches your children sel-esteem. But more than that, it gives a gift to the most important person in the world: you.
My older sister is trying to help me see that unless we have ourselves it doesn’t matter what else we have. You are the most important thing in your life.November 1, 2013 at 7:28 am #44716
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. I am sorry to hear that you suffered in such way. I will take on board your advice and I will also do my utmost best to live MY life for ME. This website was a recommendation to me from a friend but I am so glad that I joined. There are so many amazing people out there that have and are still going through so much pain and hurt which they don’t deserve but yet again are constantly keeping their chin up purely because of the support and warmth they receive from individuals such as yourself. I am at work at present, sitting with a friend and colleague who I’ve just introduced the Tiny Budda website to and he insists that I need to find someone to share my life with to do all the things that I want to do without having to involve the children whilst they are at a vulnerable age. He claims that I use the children as a shield. He thinks that I need a person in my life who would be there when I need them for ME. What do you think?November 1, 2013 at 8:53 am #44721HelenParticipant
I don’t want to answer you in Marie’s behalf. But yes, I think your friend is absolutely right. 🙂 As long as you neglect yourself, you can not take care of others without drowning at some point down the road.
All the best!
HelenNovember 1, 2013 at 2:14 pm #44750MauriceParticipant
As I am the friend you mention, I just want to ask anyone who reads your post, to reply because I admire your honesty and value your friendshipNovember 1, 2013 at 2:19 pm #44752SkylarkParticipant
Dear Rhea, Mooji’s words were immensely powerful,
Goodluck 🙂 This, I believe, is a wonderful opportunity for you to know who you really are! 🙂November 1, 2013 at 4:58 pm #44755
Thank you all so much for all your kind words and support and as for you Mo, I feel blessed to have friends like you around and I also whole heartedly value your friendship which I’m sure you already know……Its friends like you who make me feel my existence. My days pass by with smiles and a light heart although I also find it truly amazing how people who have never met one another and don’t know each other can also have such a positive impact on others lives and share so much warmth and support enabling one another to see a more clearer and positive vision of their future or the next positive step to take. There are so many wonderful people out there and I feel honoured to be part of that circle.
Thank you all so much. Mo! the message I wrote at work was one I felt in my heart and mind but was too fearful to put down, but you being the friend you are knew that and sent it on my behalf, I’m still laughing about the way that was sent……… but I’m glad. It would be a big step for me to take, but I will one day (hopefully soon) find myself.
xNovember 1, 2013 at 5:10 pm #44756
Skylark…….Thank you xNovember 21, 2013 at 8:33 am #45583chilParticipant
Find Mr right, get out of the loneliness,
Who am i ? is a question which you would answer to this world one day….:-)
All the best
ChilNovember 21, 2013 at 12:23 pm #45615WilliamParticipant
You know the answers. to thine own self be true. End ofDecember 3, 2013 at 7:26 am #46137SandyParticipant
I have felt the same way before. All can do is tell you how I got out of that rut. After going through some stuff I felt discouraged and lost. I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing with my life. I soon realized that there was no point in stressing over the things I couldn’t control, instead I focused on the things I could control. I began making the list of some goals and wishes I had, this was kinda difficult since I felt like I didn’t care much. After brainstorming I wrote everything I could think of even if it was something I thought was crazy and unattainable. The purpose of this is to give yourself some purpose. I realized that I was in control. I can’t control what other people think, say or do but I control my own actions. Start with something small and stick to it, that’s the key to stick to it. Stick to whatever your are doing until you obtain that goal. After you obtain that small goal it’ll give you confidence. Also you have to move forward, never look back on things and mistakes you made of made in the past. Focus on the present, you aren’t the same person you were then. You’ll never move forward if you are focusing on the negative or things that happened in the past. If you find yourself stuck in a negative environment or around negative people then do something about it. Don’t be afraid of cutting people out of your life or moving away from the negative environment. I know this sounds silly but my first goal began with my home, I decided that I wanted my home to be clean, well organized, and look and feel warm and inviting. I began with my room and then moved to other rooms. Soon I was so busy on organizing and cleaning and redecorating that I wasn’t thinking about the negative things in my life. I had a purpose. I was excited about something. This got the ball rolling, which is the hardest part. Everything after that began falling into place. I decided that I was going to be the person I wanted to be. You become the person you want to be by constantly doing those things a person like that would do. For example, I on my list I wrote down that I wanted to be a runner. So, I began running everyday. Today I would consider myself a runner because I practice and run daily. My point is that we may not know who we are but we control the things that we do that make us who we are. Think about the person you want to be and find a way of becoming that person. I can’t say that I don’t still struggle but when I start feeling bad about myself I look at my list and look at what I have accomplished on my list. Be strong and love yourself because your three boys deserve that person you want to be. If you don’t know the kind of person you want to be then look around for inspirations and look to other people you admire. Good luck on everything and focus on the present.December 15, 2013 at 4:57 pm #46807
Thanks Sandy. I began diverting my focus away from negativity to positivity by undertaking activities, voluntary work etc on a constant basis, that I didn’t give myself time to focus on anything negative. I even thought I was beginning to get to know myself for the first time until it took just a minute for me a couple of nights ago whereby I lost my focus completely. I felt so lost. I began to question myself again……….. the only purpose I have in life is to be the mother to my three kids………I have great friends, but as mentioned before, they all have their own lives to get on with…………..I don’t even have the confidence to be able to be honest with my friends and tell them how I feel as I want to maintain the person I am to them a very confident and strong willed person full of life and laughter ………….I try to be strong and I am most times as I pick myself up when I get knocked down but these sudden knock backs and pick ups is draining me out slowly but surely. I feel stuck…… without even realising a couple of days ago, I found myself crying whilst carrying out the housework. I was confused as to why….. my mind was a bag of mixed emotions but yet it made no sense as I couldn’t put a finger on what the reasons where for me to be so down and low. I locked myself in my bedroom and cried like a baby……..my children were around and I didn’t want them to see me in that state…….I felt so lost and lonely. I cried throughout that day and even cried myself to sleep………..I so wanted someone to hear my sobs and console me that everything was going to be ok, but then I realised that the only someone that could console me was ME…… so here I am even now, telling myself that everything will be ok…………I have to make everything ok for my children……as for ME, again my purpose of me being here today is for them………December 27, 2013 at 8:08 am #47652MarkParticipant
It sounds like you are still grieving your father, what that means to you and how you tie up your identity to him. I am sorry you feel that you are a huge disappointment to your family.
I believe that I need to be my own advocate. I have reached out to friends when I needed support. I sometimes get it and there are other times I do not. I learn whom I can count on. Desiring a hug or comfort and reaching out is an act of self love. I encourage you to do that.
I am guessing that you are in pain because you don’t have that anchor who was your father anymore. Now you are still finding your way without his physical presence. I encourage you to have a meditation practice. It really helps you to be with yourself. Our connection with ourselves is key to how we feel about ourselves and how we go about our life.