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Anonymous.
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April 14, 2016 at 8:59 am #101838
EvaParticipantI got to the point in my life where I felt it was time for a change because I was in a rut, always felt angry and lost so started changing things like my job and focusing on myself. My job itself I knew I wouldn’t be in the role that long, I probably stayed longer than I should have.
I started to look for work and got to the point in my job where I was about to quit, I went to my manager with the notice ready and no job lined up, luckily I got offered a new role within the company and took it and things have got better until recently.
Towards the end of my old role, I started to grow apart from my colleagues, they were quite judgemental and seem to gossip a lot. My old manager didn’t help at times, seem to be unapproachable at times and quite toxic like the rest of the team, which reflecting on the team as a whole.
When I started my new role, my old manager said I had handled the situation well about leaving without anything lined up and I thanked the manager for giving me the option to remain in the company. It seemed like things had been left on good terms, I wouldn’t see my old team as much because I’m not office based but when I did see them I would say hello and be nice.
It just seems now that I have moved on they all have become a bit resentful for me trying to better myself. They would moan about the work and individuals in the team and I feel like I’m taking on their negative energy and feel guilty for moving on. I’ve been hearing that they have been talking behind my back and making remarks and other comments(which I expected). I ignored it at first but they pushed it too far and it made my angry for a while and I have got to the point where I don’t acknowledge them and just ignore them, which I know is harsh but everyone has boundaries.
It was quite a toxic environment and I feel since I’ve moved on, things have got better. It just feels like a bit of life lesson and maybe I needed this all to happen to move on and better myself. It’s just I have never had a situation like this.
I think cutting them off is best thing, but sometimes I think about confronting the situation, however silence might be the best option. Deep down they know why I don’t talk to them anymore. I think I’m doing the right thing and silence is the best option
I just wanted to get your thoughts?
April 14, 2016 at 9:37 am #101844
AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
I don’t see the downside of moving on and placing the other office employees and dynamics in your past. I like the idea that you turn your back (on those who already turned their backs on you) and move forward. You can’t make everyone happy with you, all pleased with you, it is neither possible nor is it a healthy aim to target. If you aim at pleasing everyone in the company (and otherwise in your life), you will dig a hole for yourself where you will be stuck.
And since you don’t like to be stuck (the rut you mentioned in the beginning of your post), then I feel that what you called “silence” and moving on is your best option.
anita
April 14, 2016 at 10:06 am #101849EvaParticipantThank you Anita, I easily forgive people. I dont hold grudges. Its just disappointing that people that I was once close to, act this way
April 14, 2016 at 10:11 am #101851AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
Is your comment about holding grudges and forgiving people, is that comment meant for me? If so, i did not write about these things in the post right above yours.
anita
April 14, 2016 at 10:14 am #101852EvaParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry no, It feels like I may be holding a grudge to other people. What I’m trying to say is that I have forgiven them but don’t want my silence to seem like I’m holding a grudge
April 14, 2016 at 10:26 am #101855AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
I understand. Well, if you are silent to those people (who gossiped about you and I believe you referred to them as “toxic”) – and you already forgave them, no longer holding a grudge, then you can smile to them when you see them, ask: “How are you?” Say “have a nice day” or “enjoy your lunch!” and such. Just don’t get into conversations with them. Simple, short pleasantries with a genuine smile (for the good times you had with them way earlier) will do, don’t you think?
anita
April 14, 2016 at 10:34 am #101857EvaParticipantHi Anita,
To be honest I have just been ignoring them and avoid eye contact, but if they speak to me I will always acknowledge them and like you said keep it short
April 14, 2016 at 10:43 am #101858AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
I would recommend, if you feel strong enough (and I hope you do, and that if you don’t that you will feel stronger) that you will not avoid eye contact with anyone at work. This suggests you are afraid or feel guilty and those messages will not help you, for sure. So, look each person in the eye and since you are not angry at anyone (?) then smile and your smile will be authentic, won’t it?
anita
April 14, 2016 at 10:50 am #101859EvaParticipantHi Anita,
I just feel maybe I have done the damage(maybe that’s why I feel guilty) by ignoring them. I will take your suggestion on board, I just think I’m inviting them back in, if I do that
April 14, 2016 at 11:00 am #101861AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
This is an opportunity for you to practice being assertive. You need to get skillful about being assertive as it is a very important skill to help you in the work place and everywhere else. In this case, learn to look these people in the eye, say your pleasantries and NOT be sucked into conversations. You decide; you don’t let them decide. It is up to you how much you talk with them and it is up to you to say: “I need to go now”. It is not – or should not- be up to them how much you talk to them.
anita
April 14, 2016 at 11:12 am #101864EvaParticipantHi Anita,
I just feel I’ve made things awkward now. I think you’re right in being more assertive. Something is just telling me to keep distance
April 14, 2016 at 11:18 am #101866AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
I agree with you keeping a distance. What I am suggesting is that you don’t need to feel or express feeling scared of them or guilty about keeping your distance.
anita
April 14, 2016 at 11:27 am #101869EvaParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks, I feel as if I shouldn’t make the effort to talk to them unless I need to, otherwise it’s an invitation for them. I will keep it short if the situation arises
April 14, 2016 at 11:35 am #101872AnonymousGuestDear evasoul:
keeping it short is a good idea. Look up material on assertiveness, is my suggestion. Learn and improve this most important skill. It is not going to be easy to learn and practice at first, but once you practice, it will do wonders to your quality of life.
anita
April 14, 2016 at 11:37 am #101873EvaParticipantThanks Anita I appreciate your input and time
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