Hi everyone,

First time poster, long time lurker.

Backstory: For me, I have anxiety and was at one point identified as a codependent (10 years ago) and most recently as a “highly sensitive person.” Four years ago, I found myself in a somewhat emotional abusive relationship, that I didn’t recognize as such at the time. There was some mild gas lighting going on with lots of “you’re too sensitive” “can’t you calm down?” “you should stop watching the news” “it’s not that big of a deal” statements. I got out of it pretty well convinced I was an emotional mauna loa that could go up at any time.

Fast forward to current: My current boyfriend and I have been together for around 2 years. Cohabitating for around 1 year. We’ve had multiple talks about our future, marriage, buying a home down the road, etc and are still moving toward those goals (as far as I know). Over the past few months, we’ve been running into the usual communication issues that crop up after you’ve been living with someone for a little while.

However, when we get into a argument/discussion, I have a hard time figuring out if I AM overreacting, or if what I’m hearing and feeling is valid. Our recent discussions usually start with a couple “you” blaming statements from him. Ironically, when he researched emotional validation today, he said “This is upsetting, because you are telling me to do things that you don’t do either.” The irony was palpable.

This attitude is somewhat of a common theme. If I express something that I would like to be done differently, he will nullify it by bringing up an example of something I’ve done. We’ve had conversations regarding the fact I will interrupt him during an argument, but another conversation later over how I wish he would let me finish explaining something (like when I’m trying to give him directions). He will actively try to finish my sentences or assume what the “ending” is because…? If I say that what his statements made me feel a certain way (usually “bad”) – He will not say anything or say that wasn’t what he meant.

Usually the conversation ends with me teary eyed and him telling me I didn’t do anything wrong. That HE is the one that needs to change. Or he will apologize and say he was a jerk because he was hungry, tired, etc. I haven’t really seen any hard evidence of change thus far and keep convincing myself that I am the one with the problem. Am I? I feel completely at a loss. I feel like I end up making the conversations worse by bringing up this “emotional” stuff with him. I also feel like I can’t apologize to him, because apparently I apologize all the time. Which is fairly accurate.

Thank you for reading. I tried to keep it short. Hope everyone is having a good day.