365daysofkindness and anita, thank you both for your thoughtful, supportive responses. 🙂

After giving your words a lot of thought, I’ve realized that I have been devaluing some of my gifts. Past hurts have made me see my artwork and writing as childish hobbies, not important like the “real” work of having jobs that I hated because all “real” adults have jobs they hate, right? *eyeroll* That may be where my borderline panic attacks at work were coming from: my subconscious mind rebelling against the belittling of my creativity and the exalting of things I wasn’t meant to do. It’s funny how contradictory that is – my heroes are writers, artists, actors, explorers, and spiritual teachers, yet I’ve been taught not to value those aspects of myself.

Even when I consider doing something with my gifts, I try to force myself to concentrate solely on healing, because it seems more practical and more like “real” work than doing something creative. It’s as though I’m pitting one group of abilities against the other, like enemies. Again, this is contradictory, because intellectually it makes more sense to me to blend my gifts into a unique synergy, rather than focusing on some while letting others wither away. It seems to me that the Universe gave me all of these gifts to use to help others, but that’s not how I’ve been living. No wonder I am out of balance with myself.

I’ve always felt that stories, artwork, and a strong belief in fantasy were what got me through my violent, frightening childhood, so on some level I know that these things can heal. I guess I just haven’t dared to hope that other people might see the healing value of works of imagination. I’ve been afraid that other people would tell me that these things are silly and not practical, the way my parents and my ex did. Anita, The Neverending Story is a wonderful example of a work of fantasy that has the power to heal. I don’t know what it says to you, of course, but to me it says that I don’t have to let my depression put an end to me as a person, and that no matter how bad things get, if I believe and keep trying, my world can be reborn and be as wonderful as I choose to make it.

Again, thank you both!

Blessings and love,
Robin

Livelovelifeeleni, thank you for your encouraging words! It means a lot that you took the time to send so much positive energy my way. 🙂

Anita, you are so right about my ex being a Gmork, suppressing my spirit and my creativity. I know I allowed it to happen, but it was difficult for me to look after the children and fight against the Nothing at the same time, so I chose to take care of the children. That’s just the way things were. Now that the kids are grown up, things can be different. It’s funny how I subconsciously gave up trying to make the marriage work when the younger child was almost 18, nearly a legal adult – I didn’t even recognize the significance of the timing until I looked back at it later.

Now I’m facing the difficulties of a habit that was instilled in me in childhood and reinforced during my marriage: I will come up with an idea that I like, one that excites me, and then immediately start telling myself all the reasons why it can’t work and why I’m not good enough to even try. Of course I base these hurtful comments to myself on real-life concerns, so they’re harder to argue against. In the case of combining fantasy with healing, I don’t know how to structure it in a practical way, or what form it should take, and my negativity is keeping me from seeing things clearly. I’m tired of doing this to myself. I need to take a chance on making this work, if for no other reason than to break that habit. It’s just going to be a bit of a struggle, trying to figure out how to turn the idea into an everyday reality.