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  • #414330
    Lily
    Participant

    <p class=”p1″><span class=”s1″>Hi Anita, thank you so much for breaking it down as you did. I appreciate and understand how you broke down your perspective on my paranoia and my interrogating questions, what you said i agree with. I do not believe myself to be morally superior to him, I just would’ve hoped he had the same respect I had for him when put into a situation where a mutual friend is involved. I understand he was drunk and trust that it lowered his inhibitions and he made the wrong decision to sleep with her. I just still feel very hurt by it. I have done a lot of thinking and believe he is telling the truth and it did happen before we started talking and dating again. I am working through my insecurity now that he chose her, even if we weren’t together, and that he chose to not tell me. I have done work in therapy to over come what I have been through in my past. Helcat; </span><span class=”s1″>thank you for responding. That’s a good question “What would actually help you rebuild trust and recover from this?”. I think I thought that if I talked to him more and asked more questions it would help me be more at ease. I realize how being interrogated could cause someone to shut down, which is why he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”>  </span>But I think I just need to keep focusing on the fact that it was a mistake, my insecurities feel high.. I believe I am hurt by the action itself (causing insecurity) and the lie as well. I think moving forward I have to focus on the insecurity of it happening and realize that I can trust that he is telling the truth even though he felt it would’ve been better to hide it initially. </span></p>

    #414331
    Lily
    Participant

    Again, I apologize for the html that keeps showing up, I’m not sure how to make it so that doesn’t happen.

    #414332
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You are very welcome!  “I think I just need to keep focusing on the fact that it was a mistake“- if he is generally a good person, forgive him for his mistakes. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, and hopefully he will forgive yours. There will always be mistakes: it’s in our human nature to err.

    anita

    #414367
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Lily

    My concern is that you have been asking questions about this subject for a year now and it hasn’t helped your anxiety over the situation. Realistically, asking more questions may not ease your anxiety. You may have to seek another solution.

    It sounds like you’re starting to process things well. I like your idea of refocusing on trust. I’m glad that you can trust your partner.

    One thing I like to do when feeling insecure is to compare the reality of my relationship with my fears. I know that I have a loving relationship with my partner. I know he cares and I trust him. But when anxiety and insecurity flares up it is not really about him. It is about my anxiety, my fears, my insecurity and the mental image that they paint in my mind is not one that reflects reality. I have to ask myself “Do these fears fit with the reality of my experience of how I know my partner to be?”

    #414368
    Helcat
    Participant

    It was a mistake.

    I understand he was drunk and trust that it lowered his inhibitions and he made the wrong decision to sleep with her.

    I believe he is telling the truth and it did happen before we started talking and dating again.

    I can trust that he is telling the truth.

    You’ve done some great work reflecting on this situation. I hope you don’t mind I copied some of your quotes. I don’t know if this suggestion will be helpful at all. I would suggest writing these quotes down for you to read when you are feeling anxious. It’s something my therapist taught me and I’ve found it helpful myself. If you would prefer feel free to select your own quotes or add to it. I thought these realisations were particularly profound.

Viewing 5 posts - 16 through 20 (of 20 total)

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