Where do I start?!

I was with a guy for 9 years but for the last 2 we have felt that we are more best friends than lovers and decided to call it a day, I still care about him a great deal, I know he feels the same about me and actually I still live with him but we are in the process of trying to sell.

In September I asked (on Facebook) for help with my bike and I got a reply from a guy (45 I am 35) I didn’t really know (I met him once on a club ride 2 years ago and he added me but we hadn’t spoke again till now). He travelled 40 miles to help me. I answered the door and honestly didn’t think much but very grateful for his help and he stayed for about 2 hours or more and my bike was working and looked really clean. He mentioned wanting to get back into the cycling and after he left I thought I could offer to go out with him as the club rides quite fast and I knew this guy would be slow as hadn’t been out quite a while so good for me and him. He was delighted and next again week we went on a ride. I still didn’t fancy him but the more rides we went on and the more we spoke on FB and then email, then text and then the hours long phone calls, the more I thought I was falling for him and he felt the same.

I was still living with my ex and suggested we wait until we had sold and I was living alone until we embarked on a relationship but preferably he didn’t want to wait. I wanted to make it a bit more casual but he said he wanted a life long partner. I really liked him and I suppose, stupidly, I was scared he would leave if I didn’t agree and so went ahead with dating. I have never experienced such intense feelings from another person. He told me with each day we spent together he was falling for me more and more. He would run his fingers through my hair, touch my face and look into my eyes so intently. I not only heard the words but felt them. Also he had 3 kids, one ex wife (15 years together, divorced about 8 years ago, 2 kids 15 and 16) and another ex (split approx 4 years ago, 1 kid 6) and was spending all the time he had with me. At this point he had a lot of time to give as he had been made redundant. He would travel 40 miles to come see me for 45 min lunches almost every day and then go home and come back to get me and then take me out and take me home and then travel back to his (some days he must have been doing 200 miles driving because I don’t drive and he would come see me at lunch, go back to his, come back to get me, take me to his and then back to mine and he couldn’t stay as living with ex so then back to his). He would do this several times a week. He would send a text every morning and a phone call every night. I noticed he used the same term of endearment with his daughters as he did me “darling”. I would watch Don’t Tell The Bride and he would look at me and ask if I would marry one day and I said if I met the right guy probably and he said even though he had done it before he would again too for the right woman.

He spent a lot of money in taking me to NYC for Christmas and it was magical however I was ill and on my return I found out I was pregnant (I was on the pill but for whatever reason it hadn’t worked). We discussed it and he said he would be there for me either way but his preference was to terminate as he had so many issues with his current children. We had only been dating for 2 months and so I agreed and he was with me through the whole process.

He bought me a toothbrush which he said meant our relationship was moving to the next stage and that I was the one, his soul mate, the best sex, the most compatible and that I understood him and loved him.

He spent £1000 on motorbike gear for me to go out on the bike with him which we did and it was great, camping, sunsets, events, hiking, cycling and making memories (seaplane journey, tandem bungee jump).

I had never dated anyone with children so found it hard to adjust and when he would cancel on me I would feel upset and when it happened a few times I began to feel anxious about our arrangements. There were wee arguments and I was not as understanding as I could have been. He then got a job and had to spend time away and then when he returned he would have to spend time with the kids to make up for being away which meant I would sometimes not see him in over a week.

After 2 months he told me about a tricky situation with the kids which I can’t go into here but it involved one kid from marriage and the other kid and now they can’t be in the same room and social work are involved. He also started going back to counselling and was on tablets for depression, he came off them to feel emotion with me but I told him to go back on them. He told me he also had anxiety.

I told him once, I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live my life not sure if he would or would not turn up or have to leave something early for him to attend to things. Also he seemed to have every app imaginable on his phone, snap chat, what’s app, FB, Twitter you name it and he met his ex on Match, guessing not still on it but was single 10 months before me so maybe he was I don’t know.

The night before the split we stayed up till 2 in the morning despite work the next day where he had to do 40 miles to mine and then another 60 to get to his work, we ate ice cream, spoke about us and our future again, he even said about us living together and I said a bit soon and he disagreed and then I said ok who am I kidding I’d move in with him now too. We made love, went to sleep and the next day we had a big fight on the phone (about porn, it made me feel sad that I wasn’t pleasing him) and then he sent a text saying “I don’t normally do this but this is goodbye, I am really struggling to cope and I don’t have the strength for everything that is going on in my life and a relationship”

I sent him a lovely message thinking it was the anxiety and depression, I poured my heart out and all I got was “Thank you please take care of yourself” that was 2 weeks ago and as I hadn’t heard I then sent a angry message (on Sunday) which he has seen and not replied too (I blocked him on FB but he has my email address). I really thought he loved me and more than I did him but obviously not and I am heartbroken, I miss him so much.