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Confused and feeling guilt about having feelings for someone else…

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  • #233475
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi,

    I was reading through some of the recent posts and its uncanny how many women are in similar situations. I thought I would share my predicament in the hopes I get some feedback from those who are experiencing the same distress…

    I am in a fairly healthy relationship with my bf of 1.5 years. We have been through a lot together and we love each other very much and have always had a special, spiritual and deeply emotional connection, mainly due to the fact that we both had a childhood of bullying, being an outcast and feeling lonely. We also both left our respective families and can relate to one anothers stories.

    Of course we have had our issues – he never liked me having lots of male friends, he has cheated and I took him back (dealt with most of the trust issues), he has ADHD so professionally he is not where he wants to be. Financially he is not able to support himself. I have stuck by him because of his pure heart and the love and patience he gives me through times when I am being difficult. I feel like nobody else will be able to deal with my drama. But I have always felt frustrated that he is not financially or emotionally ready to move in with me (it may be a few years) and I am ready to start our life together.

    Then there is another man. He has been a friend of mine for about 3 years. We have only been platonic t this day, however I have always felt there was a connection. While I was single for the first 1.5 years, he was in a long-term relationship and just before he broke up with his gf, I entered my relationship. I always wonder what would happen if we were single at the same time. I feel so guilty for thinking about this other guy, we never flirt or cross any lines when we spend time together but I sometimes feel he is a much better match for me. Even though I am not sure if he is interested in me romantically.

    Why am I looking at other guys if I am in a relationship? I feel guilty as though I have cheated. A part of me thinks because I want a man in a position ready to give me what I need out of a relationship. My bf keeps promising that ‘one day’ we will live like millionaires in a mansion (utter BS) and I am starting to feel like a fool. Every time I try to break up with him I get scared of being alone, feel guilty for hurting him and take it all back. I am stuck in a cycle.

    I had an intense dream last night that I was actually breaking up with him and this time I didnt give into his emotional blackmail and did the deed. But in the dream I was so certain that I wanted to end things, but in real life I am not so sure. I want us to build a life together but the reality is that I can’t see it happening.

    What should I do? Please help.

    A xxx

    #233519
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Afrin:

    You mentioned an emotional blackmail (“I didn’t give into his emotional blackmail”, in your dream.

    How does he emotionally blackmail you?

    anita

    #233537
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi anita,

    Meaning when I want to break up with him he will make me feel guilty for choosing money over love.

    A x

    #233581
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Afrin:

    If he is into making you feel guilty, then you will not  be choosing something over love, but over guilt,  no?

    anita

    #233603
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes.

    He makes it very difficult for me to break up with him. But at the same time I am so sad about losing him because he is just like my family now and apart from the work/money situation, we are really good together. I guess my question is, is that worth breaking up over? I am starting to lose faith that the situation will change. And I am tired of waiting. I’ve been waiting our entire relationship and our living situation hasn’t changed. Financially I am still covering for him. I am not living the life I want – I am not socialising , I am not the same outgoing person I used to be. I have had to tone down my lifestyle to match his which has made me uphappy. Should I continue to be unhappy with the promise that MAYBE two years time that he will finally have enough money to start sharing rent with me??

    A xx

    #233647
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Afrin:

    You wrote yesterday: “My bf keeps promising that ‘one day’ we will live like millionaires in a mansion (utter BS) and I am starting to feel like a fool”.

    The problem I have with this sentence is that he “keeps promising” you, he made a promise to you repeatedly that realistically he cannot keep. He suffers from ADHD and is not engaged in any activity that can lead him to make big money. He can’t support himself, can’t pay rent and you mentioned no plans on his part to change his financial situations, no concrete plans, no plans.

    So his promise to you- how can he promise that to you? Is he delusional, a wishful thinker and a dreamer with no consideration to reality, or is it that he only cares about you staying with him and he is willing to say anything, no matter how senseless, to keep you with him?

    Maybe he is hoping you will be able to buy that mansion for him and for you?

    (I am trying to figure out what goes on in his mind when he promises that to you, repeatedly).

    anita

     

    #233661
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for replying… the situation has progressed and I broke up with him today. It was painful and I still have my doubts but all in all I think I made the right choice. I am still processing it and very emotional right now.

     

    Yes his promises were empty, I can see that now. You asked if he is ‘delusional, a wishful thinker and a dreamer with no consideration to reality’, that pretty much sums him up. I am not sure of his intentions deep down, but I don’t think he expected me to buy it. Even as he left today, he said that one day he will ‘make it’. And I am fed up of hearing it. It’s all just words now and I haven’t seen anything through action.

     

    I will need some time to grieve the loss because I was so close to him. I feel like I’ve lost half of myself.

     

    Thank you for your kind words during this difficult time.

     

    Xx

    #233669
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Afrin:

    Reads to me that you made the right choice. Yet, it is emotionally difficult, like you stated. I wonder if a current thread that has been very active for a while now, can help you. Its title is “Trying to deal with anxiety and the loss after a relationship breakup”, I think that is the wording. It is on the first page of the list of topics, page 1, same page where your topic appears.

    Post again here anytime. Whenever you post and I am at the computer, I will reply.

    Emotional attachment is very powerful, especially when you don’t have social support. Seeking that social support to help you through the separation will help you a whole lot to endure the distress involved in adhering to the correct choice that you just made.

    anita

    #233679
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    thank you so much, I will read the thread you suggested. You are right, social support is definitely what I need to stay strong and stick by this difficult choice, reading this thread may give me some further perspective.

    Thank you again

    warm regards,

     

    a x

    #233689
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Afrin:

    You are welcome and thank you for the warm regards. I will be glad to read from you here, on the other thread (I don’t post there, but read from time to time), anywhere you post.

    anita

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