Dear Brooke:

You shared that you are 21, “generally happy” with your life, but there is “something off or missing”. You figured that you want a career that involves music and travel and you hope to start university next year, but you tell yourself that you are “too old for university”.

You never had a relationship with a boy because you are scared, and you tell yourself in this regard: “I’m weird.. there’s something wrong with me because all my friends have had millions of boyfriends and I haven’t even had one yet”.

You hide your feelings, afraid that people will know how you feel, and you were told that you bottle up your emotions, that you don’t show your emotions.

“I think I’m slightly scared to accept that I am now and adult, and that I can’t be a child anymore, like I don’t want to let go and grow up!”.

You shared that you are afraid posting here, and you asked: “are there any tips on finding who I am, growing my confidence and allowing me to show and feel my emotions”-

– I am glad you posted here, don’t be afraid of me. I will not hurt you. I would like to suggest something that will help you, and I hope that I am able to do so.

It is possible that the “old self” that you are afraid of losing is the child that you were in the first 10+ years of your life. It is possible that you are afraid of having a romantic relationship with a young man because that will be proof that you are no longer a child. It is also possible that you are hiding some of your feelings because they are not .. child feelings, and if you show those feelings, that too will be proof that you are no longer the child that you were.

Is this possibility partly true, and if it is, will you tell me more about how it was to be a child in your home?

anita

Dear Brooke:

You are very welcome. Thank you for expressing your appreciation. I want to re-read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) tomorrow morning (in about 13 hours from now). For now, it is my feeling that the way you adjusted to your family, so to have that amazing childhood you had, is not serving you well in adulthood. It is often the case, with many people who fit their families of origin very well, but that fitting does not serve them well in the greater society.

Does this sound true to you in one way or another?

anita

Dear Brooke:

Maybe. I will be able to think more clearly Saturday morning, my time. If you want to add anything that comes to your mind regarding trying “to act that way outside of (your) family, in society”, and anything else that might be relevant to what you need, please do, and I will be back to your thread in about 13 hours from now.

anita

Dear Brooke:

“I’m scared of ‘losing my old self’, which is silly because I’ll always be me and I love who I am but at the same time I honestly don’t know who I am exactly. I think I’m slightly scared to accept that I am now an adult and that I can’t be a child anymore, like I don’t want to let go or grow up!”-

Your “old self” is who you became as a child in the context of your family. In other words, your old self is the family role that you took on as a child so to fit with your family. Think of your family like a jigsaw puzzle. If your family is made of two parents and four sisters, then there are 6 pieces to the jigsaw puzzle, and the pieces have to fit into a picture.

When you were born, being the second youngest sister, there were (I don’t know if you have brothers or if grandparents/ other people lived at home with you when you were a child) 4 pieces of the jigsaw puzzle: 2 parents and 2 sisters. You were the 5th piece that had to fit into the picture. At first, the new jigsaw puzzle piece (you) – was formless. It started forming so to fit into the picture. You weren’t born with your personality; your personality was formed so to fit into the jigsaw puzzle picture aka your family.

Let’s say, as an example of such forming: let’s say that your parents demanded obedience, and one of your older sisters was rebellious. You observed that your parents disapproved of her being rebellious, so you decided (instinctively, without thinking about it) to be the obedient child, so that your parents approve of you, and so, an obedient personality was formed.

A human personalities is formed as multiple reactions, in early years,  to the family situation and dynamics into which a person is born to.

The instinctive objective of the child is to fit into her family, to get along, to experience minimal friction/ minimal trouble. And the child will do whatever it takes to reach this objective.

“My childhood was amazing!.. I get along with my sisters really well, always have”- the personality you formed as a child/ the jigsaw puzzle piece that you became,  worked very well for yo, so you had an amazing childhood.

Here is the personality that you formed as a child: “I get along with my sisters really well, always have.. outgoing and slightly show off type in the family.. the easy going one. I’m used to just following along and doing whatever everyone else wants, never really putting my opinion forward because I don’t mind and honestly don’t want to make a scene”-

– you must have made a scene at one point and decided it was a bad thing, or you watched someone else in the family making a scene and it was a bad thing, having been disapproved. So you decided that you will not make a scene, that you will minimize friction/ problems in your family by getting along, doing “whatever everyone else wants”.

As you grew up, going to school, you had experiences with people  outside your family. In the 9th grade a close friend of yours started to ignore you and spend time with other people, and then with her boyfriend, ignoring you even more. After high school, “over the last 2-3 years”, meaning since you were 18 or 19, you had even more experiences with people outside your family, and the result: “I have really reverted back into my ‘shell’ and my once bubbly and very outgoing/ easy going personality only comes out when I’m in a comfortable social setting (eg. With my friends or family)”-

– the jigsaw puzzle piece/ your personality, that fit so well into the context of your family (and a few friends), doesn’t fit well in the  context of the outside world. (Imagine a jigsaw puzzle piece that fits perfectly in one picture; you take it out of that picture and put it in another jigsaw puzzle box.. and it doesn’t fit in the new picture).

Within your family, your behaviors were approved of (that’s why you developed those behaviors, so to be approved of!) But out in the world, people did not approve of the same behaviors. In your family setting, your behaviors, including facial expressions, tone of voice, words used, topics of discussion, etc., were approved of, but in the world some of these same behaviors were disapproved of and labeled weird and unusual. This is why you started worrying about being weird, saying to yourself: “what if you say something weird“, and “if I come off as a little weird or unusual.. “.

As a result, you are in a sort of crisis, confused, saying to yourself: “You used to be so outgoing now look at you”,  your self esteem suffers: you were good enough in your family setting, but you are .. not good enough in the world setting.

“I find that I can’t really be myself in society.. like I feel like myself when I’m with my family, but I try to change myself to suit what I think others want me to be”-

– this is what you did as a child instinctively, without thinking about it: you formed yourself to suit what your parents and older sisters wanted you to be. Now, as a young adult, you are trying to reform yourself to suit what society wants you to be.

“I’ve adjusted to my family in one way and now that I’m older, I try to act that way outside my family, in society, and being like that has caused some hiccups?”- yes, the hiccups are society disapproving and rejecting the parts of you that your family approved of and accepted.

“I  just want to be able to be my usual bubbly outgoing self again without worrying what others will think and just honestly be carefree”-

– you can no longer be the same that you were before because you are no  longer a child, and even if you live with your parents and four sisters, it will not be the same because everyone is older and .. things will never be the way they were. So yes, you need to reform parts of yourself, to change- but not in an instinctive/ automatic way of a young child forming to fit it. This time, you need to thoughtfully choose behaviors that fit the outside world as well as your values. It is a different kind of forming (or reforming/ changing).

If you would like, take your time and let me know what you think of my input so far.

anita

Dear Brooke:

You are welcome. I will need to answer you when I am back to the computer. To be able to better answer your question, can you describe to me the ways that your personality is a good fit at home, with your family, but not a good fit outside your home?

Also, can you elaborate on your occasional concern that you may “come off as a little weird or unusual”, give me an example or two?

I will be back to your thread in about 13 hours from now. Take good care of yourself.

anita

Dear Brooke:

“Do you have any tips or tricks that could help me recognise and find this ‘new personality/ self?”

Unfortunately, I am not yet ready to answer this question. I have more questions for you. If you choose to answer them, please answer them attentively and as clearly as possible:

1. “I became outgoing and loud (opposite of my sisters) so I could  be heard/ noticed. I also became ‘easy going’ and didnt form much of opinion.. and not really ‘make a scene'”, “I am used to just following along and doing whatever everyone else wants, never really putting my opinion forward”-

– if you are didn’t form opinions, or didnt put your opinions forward, then you didn’t express your opinions loudly. What is it that you did express loudly?

2. You wrote that you are “outgoing and slightly show off type in the family”-

– what did you show off to your family?

3. “My sisters are very quiet but also very opinionated and usually get what they want”- if your sisters are and have been very quiet, how did they express they strong opinions, and how did they manage to get what they wanted?

4. “My childhood was amazing!… I used to be petrified of the dark, so every night I would cry when going to bed because I didnt like the dark. My parents would get tired of it.., they would close the door on me (making it darker) and I would end up screaming because I’m scared.. I cried/ screamed because I was scared of the dark, they just thought I was being naughty. Anyway, so my father would come in and tell me that he is taking me to boarding school if I didn’t stop. I grew out of this at the age of 5, just after I started school”-

– it doesnt sound like an amazing childhood, at least not before you were five, when you were so scared, cried and screamed and instead of being held and comforted, or having a small light turned on in your room, so it’s not so dark, your parents closed the door on you so it is darker, and your father threatened to send you to boarding school. Does it sound amazing to you?

5. “when my younger sister was born.. I was 5 years old. So I was getting all the attention when I was younger, and then suddenly my younger sister came along and I was ‘pushed off’ to the side and had to entertain myself”-

– but when you were under 5 years old you didn’t get positive attention when you cried in your room, scared of the dark. The only attention you mentioned that you received was your parents closing the door to your room so it would  be darker, and your father threatening to send you to boarding school. Where was “all the attention” that you received before your sister was born?

These are all my questions for now. I do have one suggestion at this point, and it is about this sentence: “I always have a positive spin to things (again, something I don’t want to change)”, connecting it to the question in the beginning of this post:

– Better that the “new personality/ self” have a realistic spin of things with a touch of positivity, instead of a positive spin that has nothing much to do with reality. A positive spin that is so strong that it removes a person from understanding reality  is confusing and therefore, harmful.

anita

Dear Brooke:

I feel like I am getting to know you bit by bit as we communicate (obviously, it’s going to take more time for me to understand you and the dynamics in your family).

So you were loud as in the sense that the volume of your voice was up, and your sisters were quite as far as the volume of their voices. But they expressed their opinions and you didn’t express your opinions. They were rude and blunt and quite aggressive when they didnt get what they wanted, and you tried to break the tension by being loud and funny. Did I understand correctly?

Reads like your sisters were quite impatient and your father was maybe over-worked, very busy when you were growing up, and your mother, I bet, was busy too, so there was tension in the home, and your family-role was to be the loud and funny one, and so, to break the tension.

Fast forward, in school, with friends, you do the same thing- try to break the tension, whether there is tension or not?

anita

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