Dear Readers at Tiny Buddha

I am writing to detail my problems I have been suffering with for the last couple of years. I have some severe issues with my relationship(s). In the past my friend (AS initials) and I dated for 2 years, I broke up with him (struggling to remember why exactly but for months he was complacent in the relationship, unhappy with himself, depressed and I tried to help him a lot.  Sometimes I felt burdened like a mother because he was dependent on me at times and I helped him with a lot of things and felt frustrated that we weren’t “growing” in the way I wanted. Obviously he was hurt at the time. But he accepted it. We were forced to remain friends because we were in the same group at univeristy and saw each other everyday.

Ultimately, I ended our relationship. He was my first serious boyfriend (I had a few before him but none serious), we were young (21-23), lovers and best friends. And I swiftly moved on in a few months to another guy who became my boyfriend. Remaining friends with my ex. My second boyfriend PN, I broke up with him after 4 months before the summer break because I was afriad he would cheat on me during long distance and I was afraid he had alcoholic tendancies.

Next, I had a brief relationship with a guy over skype. We talked for a few months and met once. I almost decided to commit to him but then I was distracted by my last ex (PN) as we spoke and met again because I regreted my decision, only for him to hook up with me for a night and then return to his home town and say he doesnt feel it anymore and long distance isnt for him.

In this time when I was single, my first ex (AS) was going through a difficult period with his health, recently having been in hospital unexpectedly had shocked him in addition to dealing with academic problems. I was single and upset over my ex (not him), we thought it would be a good idea to hook up for one night and the next morning I was behaving romantically towards him as if we had never broken up. Weird and odd. He was surprised. We agreed not to do it again, he was interested in another girl. I told him to pursue her (Either I didnt care or was subconsciously trying to test him). And when he did, I felt betrayed even though we werent together and begged him to reconsider and choose me but it was too late for him. He was into her and at the same time conveying he cared about me but can’t be with me. And that I should have asked him for another chance instead of assuming things.

I remained single after this for a few months, troubled by his decision but supporting it anyway begrudgingly as a friend because I knew he was happy. And we were still in the same group and had to stay friends also om his insisting (because I was still hurt).

A few months later, I started dated my current boyfriend (TM). We started meeting as friends, I told him I wasnt ready and needed time. Eventually we hooked up, I was maybe not over my first ex (AS) but I ended up in a relationship with my new partner because he made me feel like there is hope for a new start, he was mature, stable and emotionally supportive.

However in my new relationship, I have been with TM for over a year now we had rough patches, arguments, misunderstandings. In all of these moments, I would miss the comfort of AS so much. But when things were going well I was fully present with TM and forgot AS exists.

Finally, university ended and we said our goodbyes and parted ways, me and my best friend and ex are cross continents. Me and my bf are cross countries but if we are to be together its possible to physically make it work.

The issue is, I’m conflicted between my ex best friend and my current partner. My ex is single and says I’m his best friend and he would do anything for my happiness, he jokes about how people think we could be a couple. But when I am bitter or resentful he reminds me I have a boyfriend and that it didnt work between me and AS. I voiced my concerns of confusion to my current partner, he couldnt understand. I am commited to my new parter physically and mentally, but I am unable to separate my attachment from my ex. I care about him and even through his flaws I look at him through rose tinted glasses. And its only when I have difficulties with mt new partner.

Please help, very distressed. I know I need to calm down and listen to my intuition. Really need guidance on how to head in the right direction.

Thank you for time and patience reading my story

AM