fbpx
Menu

constant target for anger

HomeForumsRelationshipsconstant target for anger

New Reply
Viewing 3 posts - 16 through 18 (of 18 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #108670
    greenshade
    Participant

    I am really sorry you had to go through this, anita and thank you for sharing it with me! I have also started to let some of the guilt go, at least about the smaller things, but I still have a looong lonnng way to go. There is a conflict between what I have been raised to be believe is the “right thing” as a “good daughter” and what is necessary for my own happiness which is acting as a road block right now, I think.
    Tbh, I don’t think he ever saw how he behaved as abuse. When he was manic, he became cruel and enjoyed hurting us. When he recovered he wouldn’t remember the episode or his behavior during it. In his own way he does love me. He doesn’t generally leave the house anymore, but will do so if I need something. I am also an only child, so maybe that also contributed to being overcautious.
    I agree with you, and (thank god!) have always been drawn to laid back people. I also think I have a long way to go before I am ready for a relationship, in terms of being able to state (or even recognize and acknowledge) my needs. I am scared of repeating my behavior as a child: so desperate for approval that I overlook the other persons behavior completely, placing all the burden of the relationship on my own shoulders ( I do this in friendships too) in a relationship so I have a very strong negative reaction to the thought of a relationship. The only people I was able to consider without panicking there were insurmountable roadblocks that I knew about, so subconsciously I knew it wouldn’t be possible. In terms of friends, this year I have met some wonderful people who have made similar journeys and let go of their guilt so I am hoping to learn from them (and from all of the lovely people here, I have been lurking for a while on the forums)

    #108672
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear shadeinthesummer:

    I am glad you made friends that are helpful to you and that you agree you need calm people in your life.

    What I am writing next is going to be difficult for you to read, so if you do, please take a deep breath. And if you choose to read it and you start getting anxious, stop reading and calm yourself down. I am writing the following (already wrote it but came up here for a warning) because healing is about seeing reality, the reality already known to you but split from full awareness, and so I promote seeing reality for what it is:

    No one is more motivated than a child to view their parent/s in the best way possible, no matter the facts, no matter reality. This motivation is there because the child needs to feel safe. When the parent is dangerous, the child will perform all kinds of brain acrobatics to view the dangerous parent as safe.

    True to an adult child, as long as there is not enough healing to see reality, the adult child will hold on to the view of the parent that seems most safe. It seems safer to view your father as a good man. To believe he didn’t remember his abuse of you, that he wasn’t aware, and so, after all, he is a good man.

    And the child takes “evidence” to indicate that the safer version is true. For example, he wants you to stay in the house, to not leave, that means he loves you… maybe not. Maybe he wants you in the home so that your mother will keep directing her anger at you instead of him.

    You wrote it yourself in the above post: “. I am scared of repeating my behavior as a child: so desperate for approval that I overlook the other persons behavior completely”- you overlooked your father’s behavior for what it was: cruel.

    Post anytime.

    anita

    #108673
    Anonymous
    Guest

    And thank you for your empathy about my childhood. I appreciate it!
    anita

Viewing 3 posts - 16 through 18 (of 18 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.