Hi folks,

I’m glad I found this forum. I had a girlfriend who broke up with me in the last week of April. We were in relationship for almost four years and we were perfect soul mates. Last year in August, she went to Canada for further studies and all hell broke loose. I messed it up big time, and the realization came very late. I got insecure. I did not cheat or anything of that sort. I got insecure.

We were in the same college and used to do everything together. We used sit side by side each other, study, bunk lectures and hangout together. Every time her presence around me would complete my life. As we were in the final year of our grad, I had plans for further education in Canada. I suggested her to think about it on which she agreed and even decided the course. My plan got canceled and she was yet to go. We knew what was coming. We were ready for long distance relationship no matter what. We were in deep love for each other. I was strong. I made up my mind easily and had no problem accepting that fact. She, on the other hand was scared that long distance relationship won’t last. I calmed her down by saying we live in 21st century. We have skype and whatsapp to stay connected 24 hours of the day. No big deal. She got convinced and was ready.

The day came when she was leaving. All was cool. I kissed her goodbye for the last time, blessed her and said that I don’t want any tears. I made her promise me that. My baby followed it.

She left and that’s where something weird started to happen. It was just one hour, she had left for the airport and I had the strangest feeling of getting lost. I still can’t express it in words. It was a sinking feeling of the thought that I won’t be able to see her tomorrow or day after tomorrow or the next month or the month after that. I was shattered by just this thought. I started missing her very badly. I couldn’t accept the fact that she isn’t here around me and that she won’t be around for a long time. I couldn’t digest it. For first week, I missed her a lot and cried almost every night. After that, the I started to feel helpless that I won’t be able to see her. We used to chat daily and do skype almost twice a week. But the feeling of not meeting her every morning for college was killing me. I spent three years spending almost five hours daily with her. At that moment, I never valued her presence. It was just casual enjoyment of her presence! Slowly, the helpless feeling started to turn into rage. I started to get more angry on small stuff. It reflected on my friends who handled it very well as they knew what was I going through. I never noticed this.

It took me December to accept the fact that she isn’t here. But it was late. I was getting more and more helpless day by day. I had started to lose my confidence in myself about my career. All I wanted to do is run up to her in Toronto. I was completely out of focus. I love nature, so I decided to do a course of ornithology(study of birds) to divert myself. But that did not help and reminded me of her as she also loved doing bird watching with me. Till Jan end, I had lost it completely. I couldn’t move on and adjust at all. She was trying hard from Toronto to get me in that country. We found a way, and in excitement, I promised that I would come to my baby. But later, I found out that way wasn’t going to work and I did not tell her as she would get hurt because of that. I gave her a reason to get mad at me. I broke my promise.

In the meanwhile I was trying for the further studies option. I gave the entrance exam and decided the college. All was fixed,but even that failed because of financial reasons. I got frustrated. The rage was now turning into envy. I started envying her friends as they were able to spend time with her and I wasn’t. It went bad after that. She couldn’t handle my immatureness. I was in some bad trance that I was unable to understand what I was doing. Every morning my day would start by missing her and then it would turn into a bad day and I ended up crying at night.

It was April and she was going to have her exams. She had to study and my immatureness wasn’t necessary. But, unfortunately she broke up with me. I understand her. She couldn’t handle it.

That was enough to shake me bad and open my eyes. I was a total half witted fool, that I lost my baby with this stupid reason. I just missed her and I craved to see her.

Now, coming to present,
In month of May, she came back to our city for three months. She did say that we can meet whenever our group meets. She is even fine to chat with me on any subject which is not related to our relationship. She isn’t cutting me off completely.

But now, I don’t have guts to meet her. I tried once, and I felt to just go up to her and hug her tightly. After that I decided not to meet her. I thought prevention would be better.

The thing is, now, unfortunately, I’ve lost all my confidence in myself. I related everything to her in my life. Now, its all guilty. I craved her from the day she left and now she is back, I’m totally helpless. Its just guilt and more guilt building day by day.

So now it feels like I am a failed person who is properly aimless in life. I really am right now. I started job couple of weeks before but that isn’t helping me divert my attention.

I want to get my baby back. I know my faults and I really want to repair those as fast as possible and see her feel proud about me again. I need to win her back. I love cars. I always had the analogy in mind – “who needs a girl when you have a Lamborghini”, but now I realize that the seat beside me would be empty. :’(

I want to win my baby back. I need to gain her confidence by proving myself as a person first. I have given her the love she needed but now I want to develop as a person who will grow up on his own feet. I need to win her back.

She’ll be leaving for Toronto in mid August. I know that no wonder is possible in such a short time. But, I need to get to her earliest.

Deep down I know I am guilty and I messed it up badly and it was hard for her as she was in a different country where she had to handle everything. But I did not do it purposefully. I love her from bottom of my heart. She knows that. I believe in the power of love. I would tell few incidences if anyone is interested to know.

One more bad quality about me which I realized is that I tend to over analyze things and engulf myself in possible negatives outcomes which might happen and I get destroy my mood. I have to get over this. I need to build self confidence and start working hard on my goals whilst I handle my job.

If you see this page, I am exactly facing that ‘creative crisis’.
(I hope external links are allowed to be shared)

Please direct me to a correct path.

My sincere apologies for such a long post.

Wish me luck.

Regards,
/SLSJay