- This topic has 13 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.
August 25, 2016 at 8:48 am #113248
This post is kinda directed at Anita cuz she has seen the previous posts but i would love it if others shared their experiences too.
I realized something painful today – My parents are awesome people and worked hard to give me a good life since i was a kid. However, there have been instances in their behavior, especially my mom’s that may have sort of become ingrained in me…Some of her comments about my looks, the things i have done so far in life, her sparse praise (common in Asian cultures) and her negative perception about people in general have colored my vision more than I want to admit. She has never stopped me from pursuing my goals and dreams but i dont think i have ever felt like she was proud of me…I think I absorbed her critical ways and remained very overtly critical of myself by habit as a result. Many here have had more serious ones (abuse, narcissism etc) but i suspect to some extent, this may have left me with a rather anxious and negative view of things which has taken a long time to repair, i am repairing it still…liking me for “me” if you know what i mean….gaining a self-confidence i never had to begin with. Somehow this very awareness is oddly liberating.August 25, 2016 at 9:18 am #113253AnonymousGuest
Dear Nina Sakura:
I believe you are seeing things accurately, and this is why you feel oddly liberated, at least at times. If you pursue this honest examination of the reality of your childhood, your forming years, you will be more and more liberated to choose how you want to be instead of automatically reacting to how you were formed to be.
It is the freedom to form, to actively choose instead of be the same-old-same-old, replay the same, like an automation.
In a July thread you wrote this simple sentence: ” Frankly, they are only people i trust fully” you were referring to your parents.
Every young child trusts his or her parents. No matter who they are. From your shares, your parents are good people. But even if they were bad, you would have trusted them fully, as a young child.
The child is not born with an independent identity. There is no “I’ Vs “They” (Parent/s). It is all one unit. The liberating part you mentioned above is liberating yourself from that unit.
It is a mind boggling process- because your parents, your mother, is a psychic identity in your brain. She is such because she was never just “a person” in your life- she was you, one unit. What she said to you was not someone else telling you this or that- it was The Unit telling you that.
Obviously it doesn’t take drawing blood to hurt a child- it “only” takes … mild criticism. Mild, I write- doesn’t feel like mild for a child. It is later, when you read about Other parents that you figure out your situation was mild.
If the consequences in your present life, of your mother’s criticism are mild then her criticism was mild. If the consequences are significant, then her criticism was significant. This is how you know…
Also, I noticed lately: when a parent criticize others for what you know exists in you too- then the criticism becomes personal. Or when a parent criticizes others for anything, you get scared: am I like that person who is criticized. For example, when a parent criticizes a stranger for … walking funny (just an example), you start wondering: am I walking funny?
anitaAugust 26, 2016 at 10:10 am #113332
I think I internalized those comments and observations quite a bit. They sort of stayed on at the back of my mind and have spilled over in terms of confidence. I guess as a kid, it wasn’t possible to understand better anyway.
There is another area i realize I need to change once and for all – my weight. Again, I know its a relatively trivial thing but i understand that has had a significant negative impact on me as well – I feel uncomfortable in my skin, I have acne that never goes away, I dont feel very confident with people, my energy is low though i am good at pretending it doesnt bother me that much. But it does even now. I cant really change what i heard or saw when i was a kid. I cant change the bullying at school and so many things i cant undo. Many just weren’t in my hands but this is. I have made a lot of progress in the past couple of years in managing a number of issues but this is one i need to tackle.August 26, 2016 at 10:15 am #113336AnonymousGuest
Dear Nina Sakura:
“this one I need to tackle”- you mean you need to change your weight? To lose weight?
If so, you can post about it here or in a new thread- as part of your goal setting and process achieving it.
anitaAugust 26, 2016 at 11:24 am #113345
I basically mean that i need to lose weight. I have struggled with body issues for years and have had several mental blocks about it. I used to eat more than required and mainly sweets whenever i had emotional discomfort, this habit mainly caused the weight gain since my teens. Now i do not overeat or binge when i am upset but i would like to get to a medically healthy body weight, have more energy and feel comfortable with my own body for a change.
NinaAugust 26, 2016 at 7:05 pm #113370DecimaParticipant
You seem like a really nice person, and you seem to have a lot of insight about yourself. It sounds to me like your parents are basically good people, and maybe they have made some mistakes along the way (who hasn’t). I’m in my forties and I remember being twenty-something and having self doubt and questioning the way my parents brought me up. It’s ok to do a little of that, but be very careful not to let it become a cloud over your head, or an obsession. Try and find ways to work on improving your self confidence without over over analyzing the reasons behind it.
I hope that doesn’t come off as insensitive, as that is not my intention. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings in any way. I truly hope you find peace and self acceptance.August 26, 2016 at 7:12 pm #113372AnonymousGuest
This is indeed something worthwhile to work on: healthy body weight. I dealt with that for many years: losing weight, not overeating/ bingeing. My craving for food when not hungry has been quite intense.
My body weight is currently healthy although my cravings are still strong. If I can help in any way, I will be glad to.
anitaAugust 27, 2016 at 7:15 am #113406
Thanks Anita, I am very glad to know you have managed the weight well. Today I went for a walk downstairs in my building – alone. Well I was supposed to go with a friend who lives there as well but she cancelled at the last minute. However I was ready by then and I just went anyway. Gosh it was so scary initially – I was afraid I would bump into some nosey neighbourhood person and they would ask me what my future plans were -_- by the time I finished my 5th round though, the anxiety reduced quite a bit and I even saw two overweight people like me walking and I felt a bit encouraged I guess. I still don’t have the courage to run in public though 😛 I feel so conscious of that. In the end, I almost bumped into this awful guy and somehow avoided him. He and I used to hang out before and he is just awful, sarcastic and mean person. I just made a ran for my building before he spotted me.
So yeah, feeling like a deer in headlights but still going. Next weekend, a more scary thing coming up : agreed to have relatives come over for lunch…..dreading the questions about future and marriage age.August 27, 2016 at 7:26 am #113409
Yeah absolutely, it’s really more of an observation rather than obsession anyway. A huge part of the depression problem got sorted because I understood the roots and worked on solutions accordingly. In my case, the bullying at school has had a massive role too, so did mom’s behaviour on many occasions which caused me hell lot of anxiety about myself.
However I want to move forward from all of this and reach my best. I have overcome a lot of challenges before on my own and surely I can get past these fears and doubts too with time.
NinaAugust 27, 2016 at 7:29 am #113410AnonymousGuest
I am glad we are communicating about losing weight because I have a comment about you running (“I still don’t have the courage to run in public”)- running is not a good way to lose weight. It is unsafe, especially for an overweight person. Injuries running are frequent resulting in you not being able to even walk and so it defeats the purpose. When you run, both legs are in the air often and when you hit the ground, the weight of the whole body lands on your joints, frequently causing injury. And… the more weight, the more stress on your joints, knees in particular.
Walking, fast walking is the best way to go!
I am glad you went for a walk. And yes, people cancel, so got to go by yourself.
Regarding the relatives coming over for lunch and you dreading their questions: you can prepare for those questions, right here, if you’d like. Come up with the questions and figure out what answers would be best for you to say. I can help with that!
anitaAugust 28, 2016 at 3:08 am #113489
I am going to get a thorough medical check-up done and then get a customized plan accordingly. Lets see how that goes. Regarding the relatives, I thought of this: Well my uncle already said whatever indirect mean things he had to say and I lived through it- It didnt break my resolve or reduce my efforts. I think i will just wing it and handle the situation when it comes – let them say or think what they want. I am going to continue doing what is best for me and their words, opinions wont stop me. No point running away from people and situations because I am afraid to be criticized.
NinaAugust 28, 2016 at 10:03 am #113506AnonymousGuest
I like your attitude and resolution. When you are in their presence, especially your uncle’s, expect a likely automatic anxious physical response. Resolutions don’t prevent those. When you notice, calm yourself, repeat this resolution to yourself. Do say to yourself that you survived his words in the past, that you are okay and will be okay regardless of what he says. See him as just another person, so the words he says are not from an entity other than a .. person.
anitaAugust 28, 2016 at 12:21 pm #113519
Oh yes, that physical anxiety will happen at that moment but I guess I need to face things despite it anyway. Yep I gotta tell myself that each time when I face these situations..you are absolutely right about that. It’s like that time I agreed to go on that roller coaster a while ago – honestly that was way scarier than any nagging relative or mean friend or interview and I was more terrified than the kid sitting behind me with his dad…but I lived and thought, oh dear God, why are these contraptions built?August 28, 2016 at 3:58 pm #113526AnonymousGuest
Similar experience on a roller coaster myself- went on one not looking up to see what the roller coaster was about. I was terrified. I didn’t understand how people survive such terror. But people do. Fear is so uncomfortable and yet, so survivable.