Last year, my boyfriend of 8 years, let’s call him A, dumped me out of the blue. He became distant and left a month later, saying he had no feelings for me whatsoever, that he did not love me anymore. I was devastated. I lost a fair amount of weight. I cut off from our common friends too. I was sucked into this whirlpool of self-blame and self-guilt, convinced that had I been a better girlfriend (believe me when I say I wasn’t a good one; I was needy, clingy, nagging, and probably toxic), he wouldn’t have left. The month before the breakup had been pure torture for me: he had become very distant and cold, wouldn’t touch me at all (would withdraw if I tried to hold his hand), did not even look at me, and the such. So yeah… I was crushed. He returned all my stuff and told all our friends and some of mine too that we had broken up and that there’s no chance of a reconciliation. A month after the breakup, my grandmother passed away, followed by my best friend moving out of town. I’d been having constant stomach ache and digestive problems, and I got myself checked, to be diagnosed with IBS-C. I was in constant physical pain.

Almost 2 months after the breakup, a good friend of mine, let’s call him B, someone very close to my heart, who’d moved to another country the year before, told me he’d been having feelings for me since a few months. He’d missed me after moving there and realized he has feelings for me. I don’t know why but I was delighted to hear that. But initially, I refused a relationship, as I simply wasn’t ready, and I did not want to rebound with him. He’s somebody I care about a lot. But we did continue talking, and I realized I had started developing feelings for him too. I told him weeks later, but we did not start dating, just continued talking, connecting and bonding well. I’d have these bouts of thinking about my ex, and I would then feel like I was betraying B somehow. I would get extremely anxious, even though he was very understanding, and would need a break from him. We’d stop talking for a couple of days till I calmed down, but we’d always get back. He made me really really happy. He was going to visit out home country for the Christmas break. We decided we’d spend the month together, and if all went well, we’d start dating. The month went by, and it was beyond beautiful. He asked me out, and I said yes. This was 7 months after the breakup. I was happy, genuinely so, and felt that life wouldn’t be so bad after all.

Nine months after the breakup, my ex got in touch with me, after absolute silence for 9 months, except to wish me on my birthday, saying he wanted to get back. I met him, more because I wanted answers. But everything about my ex made me extremely anxious (I have generalized anxiety disorder and have panic attacks, took therapy for a year a couple of years ago), anxious enough to tremble and have trouble breathing. I met him regardless. He said he’d been having an extremely tough time since the breakup. He’d been studying and had been extremely worried about getting a decent job. His mother had been unwell and undergoing treatment. There were financial issues at home. He cried. A lot. I couldn’t understand what I had done. This was after the breakup yes? He said me suggesting he take therapy scared him (backstory: he had been showing some signs of depression, and I had suggested we go to my therapist, with whom I’d spent a year), and he added that suggesting we take help is not the kind of support he needed. He just needed me to be there for him. I still couldn’t understand, so I tried to ask more questions, but whenever I tried that, he’d start crying and trembling. So I avoided it. He got dizzy in the middle of it and asked me to buy him some food, which I did. He had come to me after he’d secured a job and so was in a better position to look at other things in his life. I said I was wasn’t sure and did not tell him about B yet. After that we got to talking about our friends and catching up. We laughed together, and it was quite pleasant.

Two days later, we met again. I told him I still did not understand why he broke up with me. Just because I suggested we see a doctor? As someone who has struggled with mental health since years now? He said that at the time, he did feel he had no feelings for me and felt that there is no point in dragging this relationship. So he ended it. Pathetic as it may sound, I broke down in front of him, remembering all the hurt and the pain. I then told him about B, and he said that if these 8 years and him meant anything, give us a thought. He said he’s understood himself a lot better in the time we’ve been apart, and he now has matured. He didn’t value me earlier, and he messed up. He missed me (he cried while saying that). My anxiety was through the roof, as I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Here was my ex, somebody I had spent most of my adult life with, someone I had been madly in love with, someone who knew me inside out; add all that to the comfort and familiarity associated with him. He had been home to me. And on the other hand I had B, someone who loves me dearly, is willing to work it out as much as possible with me, despite my baggage, someone I care about deeply. I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him. I was crying hysterically because of the anxiety because of this dilemma, and my ex calmed me down. With that came the sense of warmth, comfort and familiarity associated with him.

Both A and B told me to take all the time I needed to decide. So I began thinking. I’d been with A for 8 years and had looked forward to getting married to him. I had been so into him I’d forgotten myself. He has supprted me throughout my mental health issues. And it would be a lie if I said I was over him. I was not. But since Day 1 of the relationship, he had taken me for granted. It was very evident in his behaviour. I had always had to beg for attention and his time. We’d spend time together only if I got really mad or at his convenience. It made me feel he didn’t really love me or need me as much. In the last year of our relationship, a gap had formed between us, as I had gotten busy with my own life and did not badger him for time or attention anymore. I’d made new friends and worked out everyday. He’d always been a very reserved and shy person, and he had communication issues, adding to the gap. This is something I did not want to go back to. I cannot beg for attention and love anymore. I just can’t. But what if he has changed like he said? Will things be better now? On the other hand, B loves me dearly, showers me with attention even from miles away, puts me first, and is really very compatible with me. If I go back to my ex, and it does not work out, I will have blown something really good with B. He will not take me back. Also, I will have hurt him terribly. What if going back would be a huge mistake?

I spoke to a lot of friends, and all of them told me not to go back. My mom said so too (she loves B, so there might be a bias there). I thought and thought and thought and drove myself crazy. One thing that really hurt me was that my ex had not apologized once. Not once. Not for breaking up. He had all the right to do that. But for doing it as harshly as he did (it was a really ugly breakup; another pathetic thing: when he was leaving, I had fallen at his feet, begging him not to go, every ounce of self-respect out of the window). He did not ask what I had been up to these 9 months until I told him about my grandma and IBS (which is extremely painful for me). I felt numb, felt I had nothing more to give him. All these things made me think that it was probably not wise to go back when something really good is there with me. And so, I messaged A, saying I don’t really think it will work out. He asked me to meet him, but I refused, and that was that.

But it wasn’t. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about my ex, wondering if I’m making a mistake. It causes me a great great deal of anxiety. I can’t understand why this is happening, when I was so so happy with B just a month ago. This is affecting my relationship with B as well, which I had really wanted to work. All these thoughts are making me severely anxious and depressed. I haven’t slept properly in weeks. I am always nervous and on edge and full of guilt. I am questioning everything I have done. I am wondering if getting together with B so soon was a bad idea. If I hadn’t gotten him involved in me, I could have saved him from all this mess. I don’t know if it is my anxiety playing tricks on me, but I feel all my feelings so far have been a lie. I am a horrible and a weak person. I cannot get these thoughts and my ex out of my head. I don’t know why. I don’t know what to do anymore. Should I go back to my ex? I even have this crazy idea that my IBS troubles will vanish if I go back to my ex.

I am extremely depressed, and B knows this. I am not interested in anything anymore, and it is affecting our relationship. I don’t even want to live anymore (don’t worry, I won’t do anything to harm myself). This quarantine is not helping. I don’t know which thoughts are mine and which are anxiety’s. Oh God… I’m such a horrible person…

Sorry for such a long post. If you read it all, thank you.