October 12, 2017 at 7:57 am #172863
I (21 yrs old) had been seeing Billy (27 yrs old) for about three months. Things were going well from the start. We would constantly message each other and he would show genuine interest in what I had gotten up to during the day etc. I felt completely comfortable around him from the beginning, even when we weren't doing much. But things started changing weeks into seeing him.
I knew he worked very long hours i.e. from 6am-10pm and even later some weeks (past 12am). I completely understood the fact that he would be very tired because of this! He started messaging me less and less. Besides the first date, the only time when he would ask me out would be for dinner (in which he would always cancel and say he is too tired. Thus, always ordered take-out and stay in) or breakfast (after I had stayed over the night before). He would NEVER ask me out on a ‘date' in advance because his work is so ‘unpredictable'. I was okay with it (having a lot of patience). He would ask me if I wanted to ‘call over/ come round to his place' when it was the weekend or when he finished slightly earlier (9pm) than usual, while I always had to compromise my plans because I worked weekends and so did he.
I kept saying ‘okay' and ‘I understand' in reply to his ‘busy schedule' at work. I knew we had a connection from the start because of how comfortable we were around each other and how quickly we ‘hit things off'. I found out weeks into dating/seeing him, that he was previously engaged (six months ago) to his ex (whom was apparently very demanding over materialistic things). I said to him ‘are you sure that you are ready to move forward?' and he replied ‘yes, if we take things slow'. I had a suspicion that he never was ready to move forward (as he was holding back emotionally).
Things were taken VERY slow indeed. He would start to only message me once to twice a week when he got the chance.
More time passed. And I started getting curious ‘where we stood'. It seemed like whenever we were together, the way we were acting was pretty much boyfriend/girlfriend. We called eachother ‘babe/baby'. He would kiss me on the forehead which I did love. But whenever I tried to hint at ‘what is happening between us', he would always say ‘he wants to take things slow/ this is what he wants/ but he just wants to do it right'.
I'm okay with ‘taking things slow' up until a certain point.
What made me question things was the fact that he never committed to pre-planned dates/ meet-ups, as I always had to compromise to go see him.
He NEVER drove to my place to see me. I always went over to his.
He asked me out to dinner the day before I last saw him. I got excited because I thought (this time we are actually going out for a proper date!). But when the night came around he said ‘aw babe can you just meet me at my friend house instead? as I'm already here'. I said ‘okay…'. The whole time I was really disappointed on the inside. At the same time, I made a lot of effort socializing with his friends (as I am not a rude person) and thought I could always talk to him about the way I felt the following morning. I stayed over at his place after I drove him back to his house (he was drinking).I talked to him the following morning.
I talked to him the following morning. He said ‘oh you know it was just a last minute thing, as I was already at his place so I thought why not. I'm sorry?' I didn't know how to respond so I just said ‘okay…' I drove him back to his friends house to collect his car from there while talking. I said ‘you know I'm always here, if you want support. I am here for you. I know your work is exhausting and very stressful.' He said ‘thank you babe, I appreciate it.' That was the last time I saw him.
The following two weeks after that, he never messaged or called me. I started getting worried and anxious. I sent him messages saying ‘hey we haven't spoken in a while just wondering what's happening?' He kept ignoring me and ignoring me. Even after I said ‘can you please call me? I just need to know what's up either way. Ignoring me is doing no good.' He never called. He just cut me off without any explanation what so ever. I was heartbroken.
Now… my question is. Why would he do that, when he could have just told me straight up what he wanted out of this relationship?/ that he is not ready? He made me feel useless/ like a fool/ taken for granted. Was everything an act from the beginning or did he genuinely have feelings for me? I will never know because he never had the courage to make closure.
After doing some meditation, I said to myself in my mind a few days ago ‘I forgive you' in order to make space and heal. But it is hard after when you give so much to someone who you loved, they cut you off/ leave you in the dark. The cold and heartless act. And the wasted recognition of all the effort you put into things. All the effort you willingly had to ‘make things work'.
I don't want to feel good people get punished. But it just still hurts.
Any comments or advice is greatly welcomed.
xOctober 12, 2017 at 8:52 am #172881
Dear Victoria B:
A clue to what happened may be in that conversation you had with him that last morning you saw him. Would you like to describe it in more detail, what you said to him, how…? What he said to you beyond the sentence you quoted, that sort-of-apology for not taking you out to dinner the night before?
anitaOctober 12, 2017 at 8:28 pm #172971
Now that I remember I did want to speak to him the following morning about what had happened the previous night. But he knew something was on my mind so he wanted to know exactly what it was the night before (when he was drunk). So I told him and that's when he ‘made excuses'. The next day when I drove him to get his car from his friends house. I was talking honestly and openly about the way I felt about the past few weeks and the fact that I really wanted to have quality time together. All in all, I don't think it was anything what I said as I was very patient and calm about the situation. I gave him the support. Even when he didn't ask for it. I was giving him girlfriend privileges without the title. But I did start getting impatient as he never invested quality time into getting to know more about me. Actions do speak louder than words. I'm just wondering why he would suddenly cut me off when I was just being a good woman to him in the first place. No one deserves that treatment. It's heartless.
Vic.October 13, 2017 at 9:19 am #173023
I agree with you: cutting contact with you, like he did, is indeed heartless and you did not deserve it.
He had a reason why he did that, not a justifiable or honorable reason, but a reason. His reason does not mean you did anything wrong. It was fair that you expressed your feelings to him honestly and openly that last day you saw him, that was the right thing for you to do.
You wrote: “I don’t think it was anything what I said as I was very patient and calm about the situation”- even though you were calm and patient, maybe he felt distressed anyway, maybe ashamed or guilty about his lack of availability to you, his minimal investment and participation in it. Maybe he felt angry at you, as in …how dare she complain? Hard to imagine, the latter possibility, isn't it? And yet, it is a possibility that he felt that he was not appreciated by you and should have been.
What is certain is this reality: when we conduct ourselves mindfully, attentively, do the best we can to treat others well, it does not mean that we will be treated well in return. That is unfortunate, yet it is not uncommon.