Anita,

You wrote : “This is why you value brand name clothes and purses and such, why you valued Gyunnie as much as you did, because he was a local in K, a Korean, the head of the student council.”

This is correct. I think throughout my life, I always use my education, my looks and my boyfriend to gain and define any social value that I have. People (Koreans) does not even know my name but they know me as “that foreigner that dress well and whose boyfriend is the president of student council in Business school”

I do not want to define myself like that … but it has been like that since 19 years. I seek validation from my looks, education and my partner. I used to seek validation from “cool” friends as well, until I realise what is “cool” is to be friends with everybody regardless of their looks and social position.

I learnt it the hard way for that one. Even now, I still judge people silently. A lot, almost everyday. From their boyfriends that looks like a total loser to me, to their weird fashion choices that looks so cheap, even my best friends parents that never let their kids to go overseas, I judge everyone when I feel like they are not up to my standards.

I remember one incident worth remembering, Gyunnie was going to introduced me to his best friend, he is not a KU student, so I have never met him before. Before we met, I was so nervous and so self conscious about what I should wear. I talked and expressed it to Gyunnie, he told me to just relax – that his best friend won’t judge someone based on their appearance at all. That his friend is really nice and open minded as well.

Gyunnie joked about it and told me that “Ah .. you are my girlfriend after all, you overthink just like I do.”

I realise now that it was not overthinking, it is worrying and concerning about what others think of you. Because you put emphasises in your reputation. Gyunnie is also like that, he just does not realise it yet, like how I was before I talked to you.

Gyunnie became the president of student council because of someone (his senior) during high school. That senior went to KU and became the president, that was one of the main reason why Gyunnie was so unhappy during his studies in KU. He was merely following a validation that he wanted to get from that senior of his. That he was able to do all things that he did. That they are equal. Gyunnie told me now that he had done all those things that his senior did, his senior does not seem so big and so important anymore.

I guess it is true that we attract a partner that reflects ourselves, a perfect case for me and Gyunnie.

You wrote : “Another problem is that the reputation you hold at one point is easily lost. Gyunnie left K and as you wrote before, he is a nobody there (your word)”

I agree with this. Well, maybe not “nobody” but he was someone at least. and he is still respected in a sense perhaps. I do not know how people sees Gyunnie now. He did not even finished his term as the president, I imagine a lot of rage from Koreans. Maybe they are mad, maybe they are upset and disappointed. I have no idea. It is not my major, you have to ask Business people major for that.

You wrote : “Well, maybe the way is to change what you value. I figure, if valuing reputation works for you, brings you peace of mind, then hold on to it. But if it doesn’t, then it is up to you to reconsider, evaluate, perhaps.”

Valuing reputations WORKED for me in the past, before I came to Korea. I had a reputation, and that reputation was something that I put a lot of hard work and efforts on. Putting the same hard work and efforts here does NOT work. People are better, prettier, smarter and nicer than me. I have NO reputation. No reputation = no self esteem. Gyunnie created MY self esteem when we were dating. It worked, Anita. People went like “WOW” when I told them whose my boyfriend, they respected me and talked to me. Even asked for my help.

It sounds superficial and shallow but people VALUES those shallow things. Like your status, your clothes and purses brand. and most importantly your education.

-Monica

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Anita,

I have also noticed how negative I am these days. I do not know if it is me or other people.

Like I have told you before, I have not found someone here in Korea that I can connect and hang out with everyday

I have friends, most of them consider me as “good friends” but little do they know that I do not even consider them as a friend.

I know, it sounds very mean and hurtful, but I just do not see a connection with them at all.

At this point in my life, I think that my picky personality has become even more difficult to approach by others.

Even last semester, when I was a lot more happier and was dating Gyunnie, having a quite stable and happy social life with everyone including the Koreans, I was already sensitive.

I did not like it when people “boss” me around when it comes to group projects, but I did not want to “lead” either (I want everyone to take leads EQUALLY) or when I meet someone that has a personality that is different from me, I would took distance and think badly of them. I went out a lot of times to meet with Korean seniors and do some foreigners club activities which includes basically hanging out with the Koreans that has interest on foreign culture and are open to us. I did an exchange language program for a little while as well, I met a lot of nice people. Even though my major people does not accept foreigners, I do not care. I just forced myself to went with them, whether they accept or not, it is their business.

I tried the hardest out of all foreigner freshman last semester. I stopped trying after I met Gyunnie. I was so tired of not being accepted, and the fact that WHEREVER I GO, I have to be the one trying.

These feelings manifested itself into a negativity inside of me.

Today I was offended and hurted by something that my friends had said, it was something small and super silly but it ruined my whole mood for the day. I immediately called my good friend Henderson and Patricia (in my home country), cursing my friends (in Korea) out and being super emotional about it. Here is what it was about :

There is this “freak” guy in KU that speaks like 20 languages or something, and I get to know this person last semester. He was super weird but I did not really mind to be a distant acquaintance, but unfortunately we shared the same building (same time but different class) last semester so I often met him in that building. He would ALWAYS talk to me, again at first, I did not mind but I was already kind of annoyed because he would speaks in a super weird accent and would not let me speak at all. It was not a conversation, but more like me listening to his stupid lame ass stories that I do not want to hear at all.

He basically spoke garbage to everyone and he is a KNOWN weirdo in my home country community, once he stared at my butt and ASKED me to turn around to show HIM my BUTT. It was super creepy, I told the stories to my home country friends and they said that he is indeed a creep, they told me to walk away and say nothing if he ever approaches me again. Please note that ALL my home country friends do this, they say nothing and walked away when he talks. At first I also thought that it is a bit mean but since I was also personally offended when he stared at my butt I proceed to ignore him today.

I was with my 2 other friends from Vietnam and Mexico and we accidentally bumped into this freak. I ignored and walked away while my 2 others friends stayed and “talked” to him. My 2 friends also ADMIT that he is a freak but from the way that they speak, they are definitely accepting and is open minded to the idea of being friends with him. I was called “rude” today for walking away and ignoring him. That I have no manners, according that Mexican girl.

I do not know if it is indeed ME or MY CULTURE that is the problem. In my home country, such freaks would not even have any friends. In my home country, when I do this to someone, the only critics that my friends will say is that “Monica, you are being a bit too mean.” but they would laugh with me and gossip about him, they would NEVER say anything like what my 2 friends had said to me.

And please do not get the wrong idea that I am a “bully” because I would never do that If I do not have any valid reasons. Yes, a lot of the times, I have a very judgmental and bitchy attitude towards people that I do not know very well which indeed backfires a lot. I am almost 20 now, I need to get rid off this bad “side” of me. I understand that I need to be more open but I feel like this is a part of me and my culture and it will never change.

My standard and the way I think about who is “pretty” and who is “ugly” or who is “nice” and who is “freak” – is a PART of me. I cannot change it.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but because of these little things, it makes me think about not socialising at all next semester, it would be better than having to fake socialise and suffer their judgments.

-Monica

Anita,

You asked : “what value do you think that I see in you, what value motivates me to communicate with you?”

This seems like a trick question, but I will answer it.

The only person that knows the exact answer to that question is you.

All I can do is ASSUME on why you are here communicating with me for months, and here are my assumptions :

1. I noticed that a lot of people in this website aren’t consistent with their progress and threads. They either come here for one time and left or just keep coming without making any progress. You are the kind of person that actually wants to see the process and result, you want to see consistent threads I guess.

2. I try to be as detailed and clear as possible explaining my situation so it was easier for you to understand on where I was coming from and my problems from my perspective.

3. You care. That is why you have been on this website for almost 3 years now. I know that you are not a certified therapist but you research a lot about psychology in general. You used a lot of different terms / perspectives and logic combined to analyse people’s problems, you are very smart but more than that – it is because you care about people that you always willingly try to help them here.

4. I am open to suggestion and advices from others.

5. I am willing to explore more about my problems and provide honest information to you.

These are all the reasons I can think about, I am probably way off from your real motive or reason but I gave it a try.

-Monica

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There is that one day during the Thanksgiving week, where I just hit the lowest.

The lowest I have ever been for 19 years, even more lower than my June/July period.

I felt very lost and worthless, like I do not matter in this world at all.

I had a chronic insomnia and I always cry while sleeping. I would take a walk at 3-4am in the morning just to make my body to feel tired. I have an anxiety attack that is quite severe when I heard loud noises.

I was faced with a big decision to stay or to move to Singapore while battling a depression and a tough break up, being in Korea alone without any family or any reliable friends. Facing difficulties like languages and studying here in KU.

The only person that I can talk to on the daily basis was you.

Until I decided to reach out to my parents and my friends.

I was never alone.

I was just somehow too occupied with my own concerns, my dreams, and my pain that I was not able to see the fact that they care and will listen. I just need to give them a chance.

I realise that people cannot go give them your hands to help you If you never let them know about your suffering or problem.

It is like I was stuck in this elevator and I was not willing to tell anyone, even though I want to get out,

A lot of times in life, there are moments where you cannot get out if by yourself and you need others help and support.

I realise that all I need was to call someone to get me out. Anyone.

I did that and got out of the elevator.

Now I want to get out of the building after being stuck in that elevator for 4 months.

But I am too afraid, because I spent such a long time in that dark and empty elevator alone. I am afraid that the outside is going to be more scarier than being stuck at that elevator and that I feel like I spent too much time alone in that elevator that I can adjust to life and people outside the elevator.

I want to STOP isolating myself from others and from the society, but as I have mentioned above, I find it really challenging.

-Monica