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daily letter of mina

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  • September 26, 2017 at 6:49 am #170319
    Mina
    Participant

    [Sept 25, 2017]

    Gyunnie,

    It has been an ok-ish kind of day to me. I finished all of my assignments and presentation before the long holiday next week so that is really good!

    I have no plans to go anywhere though during the holiday, I rejected every single offer because I am sick of interacting of people.

    I hate everyone basically.

    I talked with my best friend slash soulmate, Jessica today as well.

    I never told you her name but you know how much she meant to me. I missed talking to her and I finally reached out to her and she has been very supportive and understanding.

    Our 6 years of friendship never fails. I am very grateful for that.

    I have been very sensitive that besides my close friends, I do not accept people and close my heart to any new possibilities of love or friendships.

    It hurts way too much to vulnerable. or to be alive.

    Anyways! Today something kind of heart fluttering happened to me. It was kind of stupid but I realise that I haven’t laughed in almost a month – like genuine laughing but today I laughed for no relevant reason.

    I took that 273 bus to go back to my house and when I want to tap on transportation card as I get off, a guy from our university was also trying to tap his. We both removed our hands quickly and then he ended up tapping his card before me. When I got off, I accidentally kicked his slipper off his feet and he was so surprised and I apologised right away. I was so embarrassed.

    I laughed after that just remembering the whole situation. His surprised facial expressions when suddenly his slippers flew off! I wish you you had seen his face! hahaha.

    I realise how I have been smiling and laughing but it was never real until that stupid and absurd incident happened and I just laughed naturally.

    I miss you, Gyunnie.

    I have a song that I want to share with you tonight :

    “For all those times you stood by me,

    For all the truth that you made me see,

    For all the joy you brought to my life,

    For all the love I found in you,

    You’re the one who saw me through it all

    You saw the best there was in me 

    I lost my faith, you gave it back to me

    I’m everything I am,

    because you loved me”

    I wish that you can listen to this song, to realise how much you meant to me.

    Words usually cannot describe my feelings that I have for you but this song perfectly describes everything.

    I hope that your day went well, that you ate a lot of delicious food. And maybe you think about me in some of those days as well.

    In case if you are worried, I am fine.

    Or at least I am trying to be.

    Wish me luck on that, ok? You always gave me amazing advices, I miss hearing it so much.

    I miss being in your arms, and just talk about stuff for hours.

    On Dec 25th – I will be going to London for a healing holiday – my father gave me a present.

    I will stay at my friends place for 2 weeks. I need that, Gyunnie.

    College has been stressful and I hate most of my friends here.

    I miss you, the one that always supports and genuinely understand me and accept me.

    I miss you – everyday.

    I hope you have a good rest, Gyunnie 🙂

    P.s : I do not know If I can keep my promise to you to have fun this semester … I am very very sorry for that.

    -Mina

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    September 26, 2017 at 7:04 am #170323
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    “I am thinking students are not likely to talk about their stress, they are just doing their best to ignore it and keep their focus on the studying, knowing they have no option but to keep going, study and study. Just like you feel there is no option, no way out.”

    This is 100 percent correct.

    Everybody is having a hard time here, trying to be #1 but at the end of the day all we can do is try our best and just study.

    “At this very point I have better understanding of why your ex boyfriend broke up the relationship, the pressure to succeed academically is just too intense to allow a love relationship. No, he didn’t reject you. He ejected you from his overwhelming life.”

    So happy to read this from you, Anita.

    You can now imagine how his parents felt when he came to them and told them that he wanted to change university?

    Gyunnie is having a very hard time as well, he threw away our college to go to another college (another SKY university, if you wonder which university that he is moving into) but at this point, everything seems unclear and there is NO guarantee that things will get better for him once he is a new student there.

    I expressed this to him, and he understand this concern as well but he promised that he will try to do harder than he did in our university – and he will definitely not join any kind of student council. He will only focus on his social and study life.

    But, Anita, I do not understand – why can’t Gyunnie try harder HERE in our university?

    I have a lot of thoughts regarding that.

    And yes, you can refer him to Gyunnie as well.

    It is actually a nickname that I use but talking to you about him for 3 months here … I feel like you also know my Gyunnie.

    You deserve to call him that as well. Because the Gyunnie that you know is the Gyunnie that was described by someone who loved him very much.

    You saw him through my eyes and perspectives.

    You understand him.

    and I know exactly what he will say to you knowing how supporting you have been on his reason and struggles :

    he is saying thank you.

    —

    I am sorry for sounding kind of emotional … I just miss him.

    -Mina

     

     

    September 26, 2017 at 8:07 am #170347
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    Thank you for trusting me with referring to him as Gyunnie. I feel honored that you do.

    You wrote that you are sorry for sounding so emotional- people often enough apologize for being emotional. I too feel uncomfortable with emotion at times. It is … as if we are supposed to be these robotic machines, to think logically and live logically with no interference by emotion. Thing is we are emotional beings, born that way, and we never outgrow our emotional nature. At best we learn not to act impulsively, to think before we act, but we don’t … get rid of emotions. We need to understand our emotions, the information that is in them, so to live better, to… truly make sense of our lives.

    The song you quoted: “You saw the best there was in me”- for us to see the best in us, we need to see it through the eyes of someone who loves us. As not only emotional beings, but social beings, we need to be loved by someone so to feel loved and lovable.

    anita

     

     

    September 27, 2017 at 6:12 am #170555
    Mina
    Participant

    [Sept 27, 2017]

    Hi Gyunnie,

    I cant talk for a long time with you today.

    I have a morning class tomorrow and my schedule is very much packed. I probably need to rest.

    Life has never been easy these days for me. I hope that you are doing well.

    I remember when you told how you have no idea what are you doing in your life right now,

    I am feeling the same thing right now.

    3 more years and I will be done, Gyunnie. Do you think that I will make it and will still be alive by then?

    I hope so .. I really do hope so. I want to see the end of this.

    The real end of my life, not the end that I created by myself.

    I have never realise how much you loved and treasured me until we broke up. I felt so sorry and so sad for not realising it sooner.

    You always understand and supported me. Even when I was being such an annoying girlfriend, you always treat me so well.

    I remember our first date while writing this.. maybe it was meant to be after all.

    How did we managed to talk about 6 hours that day? On our first date?

    I am surprised. I am scared. I feel like I was very blessed.

    What did the great student council president saw in me?

    You’re smart, you’re nice and you always try your best to be friends with everyone.

    I am socially awkward, does not even like drinking, and the only thing that probably saved me is my face.

    How come that out of thousands of girls here – you choosed me?

    What did you see in me that was that good?

    Because I am not seeing anything good inside.

    Gyunnie, I miss you very much today – I wish that you are here by my side telling me that everythings gonna be ok again.

    But you are … not.

    I am so sorry, that I was not someone that you can lean on during the hardest time in your life.

    It will remain as one of my biggest life regrets.

    “I close my eyes but I see you again
    I walk on the streets but I can only think of you again

    Again today, if I take you out of my day
    Nothing remains, there’s nothing left

    Why didn’t I know that you were getting tired?
    Why didn’t I know back then?

    I love you so much
    I only love you
    I thought when this all passed
    I would be okay

    Why didn’t I know
    That you were my everything?”

    My song for you today x

    -Mina

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    September 27, 2017 at 6:39 am #170569
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    What a precious letter to Gyunnie.

    I thought of you earlier this morning, following my reading about the education-obsession in Korea and placing it with my reading of your posts over time, it occurred to me that you and Gyunnie were then, when in a relationship, and now, separated, like two prisoners in a war camp, a war camp with the title SKY. Thousands of prisoners in a war camp, a concentration camp of sorts.

    In your very last post you wrote: “3 more years and I will be done, Gyunnie. Do you think that I will make it and will still be alive by then?” – as if indeed you were in such a camp where survival is questionable and you wonder if you will be alive by the end of the stay in the camp, three more years.

    I don’t see how a relationship is possible for a student in SKY, so if I was you, I wouldn’t be tough on myself regarding the relationship ending, for now. Maybe it will resume one day, it is possible.

    anita

    September 27, 2017 at 9:05 am #170601
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    To be fair –  a lot of my friends are dating, it is a bit hard but at least if we are in the same campus, it is easier to eat lunch or dinner together considering our inhumane schedules so there is an advantage of that.

    I think if you want to date, you have to be able to be stronger than the stress and pressure of studying. One of my guy senior, he is number 1 in his major (like the smartest person in his year and major) and he still have a long term girlfriend as well. It depends on your attitude and your willingness to sacrifice your time and focus.

    Gyunnie was not willing to do that. Which is understandable, as he is a perfectionist and was overwhelmed by his own decisions and situation.

    Please do not consider my attitude or my thinking as every students perspective. There are a lot of students here that are happy and is getting a good grade easily by studying like how they usually do since high school. At least 30/40 percent are quite happy with their college life in SKY. As getting accepted is already a dream came true for them.

    But for me, there are a lot of severe problems due to my own personality and depression. That is why I think not only my university but Korea as a country is a prison camp for me. My favourite place for me to visit here : the airport.

    I am very much looking forward to my UK trip in 88 days.

    88 more days and I am out of Korea. I am counting each days. 🙂

    “Maybe it will resume one day, it is possible.”

    I know. Gyunnie also knows this as well.

    But for me, I do not think it will be possible. I do not have any plan to stay in Korea (I have mentioned this before) – I will be working in Singapore.

    Gyunnie is probably going to stay here permanently (possibly) – he mentioned a few times that he has interest to live overseas but the future is too far ahead of us to predict and I would like to get married as early as possible so waiting for him seems like something that I am very unlikely to do.

    Different country, different view of marriage (regarding the age), also differences in life sequences. I will be graduating in 3 years while he will still be in his 2nd year by then because of military service that made him hold his study. I will prepare myself for marriage after I graduated while he is still stuck in college, thinking about his future blah blah. Even if we are together, I will have to wait until he graduated and get a job.

    He isnt the type to get married early, and is very career oriented … so he will get married only after he is successful with a very well paid job. I can predict that one.

    I have think about it very thoroughly – but maybe there isnt a future for us.

    -Mina

     

     

    September 27, 2017 at 9:39 am #170605
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    Your thinking in your last post is more congruent with reality than my thinking in my last post to you. You are correct: I generalized. Your experience in SKY is not the same as everyone else’s.

    And the reasons you listed as to why a relationship with Gyunnie is not likely to resume, or is very unlikely to resume, make a lot of sense, realistically. I was a bit sentimental in my last post to you, following reading your letters to him, and I forgot the practical issues.

    A trip to London reads like such a good idea.

    anita

    September 28, 2017 at 5:30 am #170727
    Mina
    Participant

    [Sept 28, 2017]

    Hello Gyunnie,

    Are you doing well these days? Are you eating and sleeping well?

    I hope that you are.

    I am doing quite ok these days. I am trying to be happy again.

    Even though you’re not with me, I still talk you, as if you’re here by my side and doing all the things that you want me to do.

    Do you remember my favourite actress Suzy? She got a new show, and I am so excited to watch it these days.

    It became the highlight of my depressing days! I know that you’re not a big fan of her but her new show is really good.

    The weather is cold right now – I am getting ready to change my wardrobe. I want to buy a knee high boots seriously been wanting to buy it since summer hahaha

    Summer is really gone, it is Fall right now.

    My heart feels bitter sweet because Fall is my favourite season but during Summer – we were still together … letting summer go in a way is like letting you go.

    Gyunnie, do you think that I will be able to be happy again?

    Will I be able to get out of this?

    Anyways …

    Nighty night sweetheart x

    -Mina

    September 28, 2017 at 5:51 am #170737
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    Good night, Mina. Keep seeing yourself as the valuable person that you are. This is how Gyunnie saw you in person (and in his mind’s eye in the present time), so keep seeing yourself that way. You matter. How you feel matters, that you rest well and sleep well and experience calm, peace of mind, these are important.

    anita

    September 28, 2017 at 7:56 am #170763
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I know that this question might sounds stupid and you might have no answer either but,

    do you think that he will be proud of me?

    do you think that he will say that what I am currently doing is good and that I should keep going?

    I somehow cannot this song out of my head, the one I posted about how he saw the best in me.

    I feels somehow so overwhelmed by the love that he gave me that I cried.

    Because it just surrounds me and I feel the love inside keeps growing and it just .. glows within.

    From loving Gyunnie, I learnt what true love felt. How it felt to be truly loved and accepted.

    and no one can replace or take that away from me.

    It will remain within me.

    I cannot see him, but I can always feel him with me.

    I am sounding emotional, again. Sorry.

    -Mina

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    September 28, 2017 at 8:19 am #170779
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    I feel quite confident in my ability to answer your question: yes, he will be proud of you.

    The reason I feel confident in my answer is that I believe he truly valued you. I have no doubt that he did. Because he valued you, loved you, he would be proud of you, absolutely.

    The thing about love is that it has to include valuing the loved one. If a person loves you but doesn’t value you, it leaves he love meaningless, not at all helpful to the one supposedly loved.

    Your parents love you… in their own way. Unfortunately, they value only limited aspects about you, for example, your good grades in high school, the fact that you were accepted by a SKY university. But they don’t value significant aspect of you, aspect that they already rejected or they don’t know about.

    But Gyunnie knows those things about you, things you shared on that very first six hour conversation with him, things your parents don’t know and he accepted and valued you, still values you. All of you was valued by him, and that kind of love is so meaningful and so very rare, unfortunately.

    He would be proud.

    anita

    September 28, 2017 at 8:30 am #170783
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I just cried reading your reply.

    Thank you, I needed to hear that. That he will be proud of me.

    Sometimes I tell myself that when I am having a rough day – that he is proud of me and he wants the best for me.

    -Mina

    September 28, 2017 at 8:52 am #170787
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    You know that I am all for thinking being congruent with reality and I believe your thinking on the matter is congruent with reality. He is proud of you and he wants the best for you.

    anita

    September 29, 2017 at 7:53 am #170911
    Mina
    Participant

    [Sept 29, 2017]

    Gyunnie,

    I had a great day with Evelyn nuna today!

    How was yours? Hope it went well.

    I want to share my favourite poem with you today :

    “Do not ever regret your decision.

    Because in that one moment, that decision was your best option

    and it was the best choice you could ever made.

    You are definitely doing well right now. ”

    (translated from Korean to English by me, taken from Ha Tae Wan`s book)

    Those words, I very much sympathise with it.

    I hate you a lot for making that decision to move college and go to the military earlier than what you had expected, I really do Gyunnie.

    But at the same time, I admired you.

    For admitting that you aren’t happy, for your bravery to let go of everything. Everything, including me.

    I wish you all the best. I wish you happiness.

    Truly I loved you, from the bottom of my heart and soul.

    I love you very much that if letting you go is the best option, I will.

    Maybe we aren’t meant to be in this lifetime, but the next one… I promise that we will be together.

    A lifetime without different countries being involved, culture, language, military service, and life changing decision.

    It will be just Mina and Gyunnie.

    With our love always being the answer,

    I hope that we can meet like that.

    Love,

    -Mina

     

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 7 months ago by Mina.
    September 29, 2017 at 8:05 am #170923
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Mina:

    Another beautiful letter, honest, realistic, sentimental, figurative (to me, the next life part), lovely.

    anita

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