Anita,

I understand your point.

When I feel that intense distress, and I turn into fantasies and lashing out = Rejecting the distress

But by feeling it, no matter how hard, or how painful, without resorting to fantasy and lashing out = Accepting it

I have a bad habit of resorting to the fantasy by looking out old pictures, old conversation in my phone, even keeping a really old receipt from our last date … and I look at those little things as a fantasy/ escape during my distress moment.

So are you suggesting to STOP looking or keeping those things?

or do you have any other suggestions or advices that might work to stop the fantasy?

and regarding the lashing out,

I do not know how I can control it, the rage and the anger – I am very sensitive.

Too sensitive, I have to admit.

Little things gets to me, as little as missing out a class today, I had a mental breakdown over it.

During those mental breakdown, I would cry, feeling like everything is ruined …

I missed ONE class, and I genuinely think that my life here is over.

I immediately wanted to talk to Gyunnie, wanted him to hug me and comfort me. Wishing, crying, begging that somehow God would listen and let me meet him again.

I fell asleep (for 1 hour) from being too tired from the crying, and when I woke up, I felt ok.

It was weird … when I felt fine (calm) – I did not understand why I had acted the way I did before I fell asleep.

-Monica

Anita,

Today was not a great day for me.
I heard news about Gyunnie. He is coming to Seoul to watch a concert of his favorite rapper – I know that he is a big fan of the rapper and been wanting to watch his concert, but it kills me … so much.
I fall apart, seeing his post about how excited he is that he even posted his concert ticket.
He is willing to take a 3 hour train ride from his hometown to Seoul to watch that concert.
He is … happy.
He is …. doing well. He’s alive.
He’s probably the happiest in his life right now, without me or KU bothering him.
He got accepted in his long time dream university, he got his parents support and he is just living his life to the fullest.
While I am here. I am stuck.
I lied to you, to him, even to myself. I don’t want him to be happy or ok.
I want him to suffer, even as little as 1/10 of what I am feeling.
I wish him to feel THIS pain that I am feeling.
I am begging, pleading, wishing that he is not okay but he is more than okay, he is HAPPY with his life.
I’ve been denying this for a very long time.
Why is it like this?
Why am I the only one suffering?
Feeling an unberable amount of pain, alone?
Fighting a lonely battle with myself, fighting everyone else that has something else to say about Gyunnie.
Why can’t I live like Gyunnie, why can’t I take care and be nice to myself?
Why can’t I do what he wanted me to do, to move on and be well?
I am NOT well. Very far from it.
I feel pathetic, I feel sad for myself.
I cannot even be “well” to honour his last words to me, If I really did loved Gyunnie, I should have been able to do that.
Why did I stayed as a dissapointment to him and to myself until the very end?
Why?
I genuinely thought what I feel for Gyunnie is a part of the delusions that I was feeling during those 4 months… and that it’d would dissapear once I lost the delusions.
I realise that what I feel is reality.
It’s real.
It’s not a delusion that I created, and probably the only thing that’s real is my love for him.
Sometimes, a lot of times, I wished that my love was also a delusion.
So I won’t be in so much pain.
I am not sure if you remember or not, but everyday – I wished that I can turned back time.
I’d stopped him from going out drinking (the event that made him lost his watch, and him taking it as a sign that he should move to Y Uni) – I wish that I had cried and pleaded him not to go that day.
Maybe things would be different.
I wish that I wasn’t so clingy and needy to him, maybe he wouldn’t have left me.
Anita….
There are so many “maybes” and “I wish” in my life.
So many things I could have done better during our relationship.
That maybe can save our relationship.
I am desperate, to let him go but I cannot.
Please. Give me advices.

P.s : another bad news… lately I’ve been wanting to go back to “Mina” – Kim Mina. I want to feel close to him. Taking his last name. I know that what I feel right now is not right. I know.

-Monica

[VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE]

I just talked to my mother, because my head was hurting so bad from all the stress.

I was in a “distress” mode, so maybe that was why my head hurt so much.

I asked for her permission to go see a psychiatrist when I go back home next week, I was very skeptic about it. I have mentioned that there are a lot of stigmas regarding mental illnesses here in Asia,

so a lot of parents won’t allow their children to go see such doctors.

One of my best friend, Patricia, suffered from depression as well … but her parents are simply hell to her.

Her parents does not allow her to go see a psychiatrist because it is embarrassing for the family, her father is a misogynist that treated her brother like a prince while she is being treat like trash, I realise that her situation is 100x worse than mine.

I still at least have my parents with me.

I was wrong about them, I doubted and assume that they won’t understand me ever but I was wrong.

My mother opened up to me that during her 20s, she was also depressed and got treated by a psychiatrist.

I was … very surprised. My mother seems stable, seems always happy, and she is certainly not the type to “embarrass” the family by seeing a psychiatrist, especially during 1990s, when it was negatively stigmatised.

My mother must have had a very very hard time, just like I am right now.

Comparing my situation to Patrice, I should never ever complain … I feel so overwhelmed that I cried.

Patrice, just like how I was, is current living in a delusion.

She hates her own father, but claims that she wants to be like her mom when she grew up.

But from her story, her mother is far from supportive,

She expressed her desire to move college, she got rejected. Her mother does not even listen. Her brother asked to change college, and her parents immediately reacted to it.

Her parents always blame her for her brothers mistake as well.

Even when she expressed how she is depressed, her parents again does not listen.

Refuses to understand. Refused to even let her go see a doctor and get proper treatment.

I want to help her so badly, Anita.

How hell her life must be right now.

-Monica

Anita,

Sorry to make you feel like I was for “seeking” attention from your part,

that was not my intention.

The first post was I did not feel like it was a temper tantrum, as it was based on facts, that he did indeed purchased the concert ticket.

and it made me felt a lot of things, and yes indeed I have talked to you regarding how his actions affected my feelings.

Again, I apologise for somehow making you feel uncomfortable regarding the whole Patrice`s thing as well.

The thing with my mom was true. She did suffered from depression and went to see a psychiatrist, that is why she let me see one and understood me.

I never have any intentions to make you feel like an “audience” in my life drama, really.

You might not believe me, but If I do this just to get attention … I would not be here. I would just seek attention somewhere else, in real life.

The Patrice thing, I genuinely wanted to help her, I do not see anything wrong with it.

Yes, you might laugh seeing how “unstable” I am yet I still want to help my best friend in her situation, I get it. It is funny.

I completely understand of you being tired of hearing me, of reading all of  my “temper tantrums” as well.

It genuinely hurts me when you told me that I throw tantrums to get “attention” … for what?

I think I seek attention from Gyunnie not from you, and to get it, I can just easily post on my social media, creating a drama of some sort and I will definitely get it,

and I have never done such things, ever.

Why would I seek attention in a website here?

Those “temper tantrums” are genuinely how I felt. I posted here because I genuinely wants advices, and help.

I just feel like I connect with you pretty well, that is why sometimes when I post I do not think it through, I thought that this website is not some sort of a place where you have to think everything throughly before you post.

A lot of people posts when they are not in a “stable” situation as well.

If you think that the last 2 posts are temper tantrums, it is ok. It is your opinion, but I think I should make it clear that it was not my intention.

-Monica

Anita,

I understand, thanks for explaining.

You refuse to communicate with a person that somehow manipulates and is not honest in giving information and you also do not want me to come here (talk to you) just to relieve my distress.

I understand completely, again – I apologise. You might not accept it, I cannot blame you for not believing my apology, but I really am sorry, I was not aware that I was being manipulative and use a lot of words that offended you, and put you in an uncomfortable situation that made you suffered.

Thank you for all these time for communicating with me, those words are never meant in any way to hurt anyone, especially you. If I had known, I would have never posted such things. Thanks for being a friend since last June, I appreciate it, very much. Thank you. There were times when you were the only one who believed in me and support me. I hope you believe that my last post here is sincere, you are welcome not to reply to this post as well, as I respect your decision to not talk to me.

I will no longer post here, it was really nice talking to you. I hope you stay well, wishing you the best in your life.

-Monica