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  • #171907
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    My friends and my teachers.

    Even maybe my parents.

    I never told you the background of my life in my home country but I was a very good student.

    I spent around a month outside the school every year to compete and train for a National Science Olympiad, my SAT scores is #4 in my entire school, when I never had any private intensive lesson outside school. I have a very good relationship with all of my teachers in high school to the point where they would defend me when I got into some kind of troubles, I also had quite a lot of friends.

    A lot guys took interest in me because of my appearance (please do not take this the wrong way though, I hope you understand) and I also dress very well, I look “classy” and even though I never told anyone my friends knows that I am well off seeing how I always travel every year, and wear a lot of “branded” stuff. A lot of girls gets intimidated and jealous of me.

    I would say that my personality is quite nice, that I am able to build a very deep friendship that could lasts for a lifetime with certain people. I can be very funny and bubbly as well.

    I guess a lot of people respect and acknowledged me as a person based on that. Most of that sounds superficial, I am well aware but I was “someone” in a sense.

    In Korea, the girls they dressed up even more beautifully, they always wear make up, always traveling, they are very smart and they work as hard as I do and even harder, they are more of a perfectionist than I am.

    basically Koreans beats me in every single thing that I used to be really good (or even best) at.

    Sometimes I wonder if I had never went along with my father and stayed at my home country to study law.

    Maybe things would be really really different. I really regret coming here, more than anything in my life. Every time that I visit my home country, visiting my best friend Henderson in his university – a lot of guys would ask him to introduce me to them, complimenting me, basically giving me VALIDATION.

    Gyunnie gave me that validation. As the president of student council, a Business major, a Korean – he validated Monica. That I am nice, pretty and smart enough to be with someone like him. Even Koreans are having a hard time dating someone like him, so the fact that he CHOOSED me was a clear validation.

    In my home country, almost everyone gave me a clear validation.

    -Monica

     

    #171913
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    I will be back to the computer to read your latest post (and any other that may follow) in either a couple of hours or in 16 hours or so, most likely the latter.

    Can you write more about your relationship with your parents, mother, father, past and present?

    anita

    #171981
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am sure you already know some of the most important parts about the relationship between me and my parents. Especially my mother.

    The truth is, I grew up with stability. Besides the fact that my mother “did not accept” me thing that we have talked about.

    My parents never once abused me physically, they rarely got mad at me actually.

    The biggest fight I had with my mother was when I gave up my career as a Ballet dancer when I was 15.

    Other than that, me and my parents relationship are “good” before I went to Korea. Not perfect, but it was good. We communicate and we hang out a lot on the weekends, even in the amidst of my busy schedules as a student and their working hours / overseas travelling every month. It was “flat” in a sense but it was stable.

    My parents told me that they are very proud of me for being a good student during high school. It was a good times.

    After I went to Korea, especially since this year – things has been … going downhill.

    Especially things with my father. I am not very close to my father since I was a kid due to various reasons, but I never really fight with him about big things. Our first big fight was when I decided not to choose Business as my major, and the second one was when he totally ignored and refused to hear my struggles when I clearly told him that I want to stop studying at K University last June (June 2017, I made a thread about it I believe)

    I am really disappointed with my parents, Anita. I trusted them, I loved them, they are the most important people in my lives but at the lowest point of my life … they refused to helped me. When I needed them the most, they do not want to understand my situation. I feel really betrayed, I feel really mad. Even now. They had abandoned me as a kid when they refused to get me out of K University last summer.

    I do not think that my relationship with my parents will ever get back as it used to be, ever. In a sense, I feel like I have no parents right now, they already threw me out on June 2017. After all the things that I have done for them, they abandoned me like trash. I have never feel so lonely in my life right now. I lost the love of my life, and I also lost my parents.

    I talked with my mother almost everyday before June 2017 incident, but now we never talk anymore. I feel so trapped, so unhappy – but my parents aren’t giving me any help or any way out.

    The truth is, I am thinking about hurting myself (not enough to die but enough to get hospitalised) so my parents will have no choice but to come to Korea, and talk about this thing with me in a serious manner. I want them to listen, I want them to HELP me.

    I asked a lot of my friends here, they all have their parents support to come back whenever they want. I know that maybe for me right now, it is too late. I am considering transferring to Singapore, but again – it seems like a fantasy.

    I have no money to support myself in Singapore, I do not know what kind of work that I can do with a high school degree either especially in a country like Singapore. I mentioned on how much I envy Gyunnie, to the point of death – because his parents understands. Gyunnie parents despite all of their rough arguments, they CARED for their son.

    I do not see any career here for me, I do not want to work in a Korean company in the future either, I feel like I got into the wrong major as well, even though it is indeed my mistake because I choose this major myself. But right now, I feel like a kid who fell into a deep dark hole, it was indeed MY MISTAKE because I did not listened to my fathers opinion but now that I have fall …. can they please help me?

    That is how I feel. I do not know if there is a way out or not.

    -Monica

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #172035
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    * Did you see lost_star’s reply to your recent post on her thread?

    You found your validation, the word you used, or self worth (the term I use) in the following: your grades in high school, your physical appearance, your brand name/ expensive clothes, material belongings and travel habits, your parents’ well off financial status, guys’ interest in you, others’ respect and envy of you (because of these things I just listed).

    In Korea, you no longer stand out in these ways that I listed, and so you lost that validation, or self worth. Gyunnie, a Korean, a Business major, the president of student council, chose you as his girlfriend and that meant a whole lot to you. I can understand better right this moment why you profusely thanked him for bringing up your sense of self worth:you felt  worthy by association with him.

    You shared before that when you returned to K university, after the summer, and Gyunnie was no longer attending it, that he is a Nobody there. He was a Someone before, in K, but is a Nobody now. Similar to how you lost your Someone status when moving to Korea. You too were a Someone and now are a … Nobody, correct?

    You wrote: “I grew up with stability. Besides the fact that my mother ‘did not accept’ me thing that we have talked about”- notice how you minimize her rejection of you, not even convinced it is true, placing quotation marks around it, calling it “thing”, rejecting the concept of having been rejected.

    You wrote: “My parents never once abused me physically, they rarely got mad at me actually”- somehow though, the fact that they, or your mother,  did not accept you harmed you.

    You wrote: “me and my parents relationship are ‘good’ before I went to Korea”- you are not convinced it was indeed good, hence the quotation marks.

    Also: you filled in their expectations, respected their value of status (looked classy, achieved great grades), so why wouldn’t the relationship be… “good”?

    You wrote: “My parents told me that they are very proud of me for being a good student during high school. It was a good times”- as children we take in any love we can get, any validation. Their validation was based on you filling in their expectations, and as long as you did, you were “accepted”.

    My summary: your parents’ love for you is conditional, it is a Conditional Love; their acceptance of you is a Conditional Acceptance. This is Reality. It was this way for a long time, maybe from the very beginning. It is just that you noticed it lately.

    I understand the need for food, shelter, physical safety and necessary physical comfort, these things bought with money. This is what makes sense about having money, being able to take care of one’s physical needs.

    Money does not deliver self worth because it has been proven, again and again with the reality of the millions of very wealthy and very depressed individuals, and the long list of very wealthy individuals who have chosen to not live at all.

    Having money and the expressions of it will bring you respect and envy, but not self worth. It will bring you a very good feeling here and there, intoxicating perhaps, but it is The Conditional Element in others’ respect, others’ envy, guys’ attraction toward you, that conditional element that negates true self worth.

    The intoxicating pleasure dissipates quickly when you see others expressing even more wealth, and when lying in bed alone at night with only your thoughts and no one to impress.

    Making your brain congruent with Reality means to see life as it is, abandoning previous assumptions, previous beliefs and looking around with new eyes, seeing things as if for the first time. Get curious and interested in what is really going on. This kind of curiosity will carry you through the distress of seeing.

    anita

     

     

    #172059
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I had an important update regarding everything.

    I decided to talk to my parents regarding everything this morning, I think that they are starting to see how serious the problem is.

    I told my mother and father almost everything that I had felt, including how they rejected me in a sense.

    The conversation did not turned out so well, but it was n0t as bad as I think.

    I think a door has opened for me. (to move university somehow)

    My mother suggested that I go to the counsellor of K University first before we decided anything and that I have to think very throughly about this.

    She asked me if I had the confidence that I would be HAPPY if I do move to Singapore? that do I have the commitment to FINISH my university if i do move?

    My father as usual is very hard on me, but he will come around somehow – I believe. My uncle (my fathers brother) did not finished college and married someone that my entire family despises (especially my father) but my father did not abandoned his brother. He still support him financially and defended my uncle saying how after all he is still his brother.

    I think when it comes to choosing between me vs their pride, they have no choice but to choose me. I am their daughter after all.

    I do not know. Do you think that moving is the solution to my problem, Anita?

    Please give your opinion.

    -Monica

     

     

    #172063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    What an exciting update, how unexpected, pleased I am to read some willingness, on your mother’s side, to consider your idea of studying in Singapore. I am very pleased.

    Since it is a financial investment on the part of your mother/ your parents, I understand her concern about whether or not you will be content if you do study and live in Singapore. She wants a commitment on your part, that if they, your parents, make the moves and further investment in having you live and study in Singapore, that you will indeed graduate there.

    I also like your observation regarding your father and his brother, your uncle.

    You asked for my opinion. I very much like the idea of you moving to Singapore. But-

    First, do see the K University counselor, like your mother suggested. It is not an unreasonable suggestion or requirement, on her part. Ask the counselor for his/ her opinion about the move, about Singapore and for any objective information (other than his/ her subjective opinions and experiences) regarding Singapore.

    Second, get more information elsewhere about studying and living in Singapore, all the information you can get. Then evaluate the information so that you operate based on real-life information (Reality, as I referred to it here, lately) instead of assumptions, wishful thinking and feelings you experienced before when in Singapore that may be limited to the then-and-there. You can share that information and evaluations here, on your thread and I will be glad to give you my input.

    Once you do these two things, you will be able to make an informed choice and you will be able to present it to your mother in a way that is more convincing than otherwise. If she sees that you did the work on your part (first and second, above), she may very well feel more confident in your commitment to graduate in Singapore, if moving there.

    If you gather more information, evaluate it best you can, make your choice, share it confidently with your mother and father, you will need to make that commitment, to study and graduate there, and do the best you can to graduate with good grades. It will be a promise you will be making them, to not request, once in Singapore, to move to a third university, not if it requires their financial support.

    anita

     

    #172065
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    First suggestion : Yes, I definitely will go to K University counsellor on Tuesday and make an appointment.

    Second suggestion : I definitely will find information about studying and living in Singapore and share it with you, maybe not right now because my mind is in a very distressed situation due to all of these.

    I have things to think and evaluate. I know that If I made up my mind (being committed 100 percent to Singapore) – my parents will have to support me anyways. The decision is in my hands. I realise that they cannot “force” me to stay here at Korea if I do not want to.

    I am changing my major as well so I have a lot to research for.

    This is going to be a hard and long journey, my parents are very stressed out at the very moment as well. I understand that it is hard for them, but for me – it is also very hard, you know?

    I think that I am “sick” mentally … how can you tell someone who is sick to just get better? It does not work like that, you know. Every moment here feels like I am dying, I am in so much pain that no one can understand. No one will even validate my feelings and my pain. Why?

    -Monica

     

     

     

    #172075
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    But you validated your feelings and your pain and you did something about it, planning to do more. Excellent. I am all for you leaving K University and Korea since you persistently expressed your suffering in the university and in Korea.

    You will be seeing a counselor at K soon and the research, once you calm down from the recent excitement, will not take too long. Soon enough, I think, you will be moving away from K. and from Korea.

    When you wrote: ” I understand that it is hard for them, but for me – it is also very hard, you know?”- it means you are taking your feelings seriously. You are taking your suffering seriously, not only your parents’- and that is the way to live, it is the right way to live, to be concerned primarily with your own feelings, your own survival and your own best interest.

    You did the right thing. Keep at it. Relax best you can and continue with the plan. Your life is likely to get so much better. Be patient as the great improvement is going to happen soon enough.

    anita

    #172105
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I think the hardest thing right now is that no one is genuinely supporting me.

    I do feel like I am making the right decision but my family and friends keeps pushing me to just stay here and hold on.

    I should just hold on, they said.

    I feel so scared, so alone – I am making all these big decision by my own without anyone believing and supporting me,

    How can I make them understand?

    -Monica

    #172133
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    I believe that the greatest freedom a human can achieve is to be “making all these big decisions by me without anyone believing and supporting me”-

    To make the right choices for you based on your own correct, reality congruent thinking, taking your feelings, your own well-being seriously, without others’ acceptance, approval or support is the highest form of freedom.

    The need for others’ understanding and support is … well, understandable. We are born with the need to be understood, to be supported, to be accepted, approved. But we are also born with the potential, as adults, to choose courageously to do the right thing without the understanding and support of others.

    You asked: “How can I make them understand?” Perhaps the wrong question. How about asking this: How can I make them do the right thing for me and for them?

    If you stay in Korea and you get chronically sick as a result, that wouldn’t benefit your parents, would it? When you choose to move university and country, you are not doing only what is right for you, you are doing what is right for them.

    It is time, Monica, to be courageous, and taking one small step at a time, do what is right for you without family’s support.

    * From your previous post I thought your mother did consider you moving to Singapore, that she was open to the idea. Is she not?

    anita

     

    #172139
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    She was half open, I guess?

    She was not forcing me to stay, she tried to use a lot of words of encouragement to get me to stay but she did not dismissed Singapore immediately

    I just made a really long essay to my parents … I talked about how I truly feels. How bad my current situation is. I feel like dying.

    I haven’t been eating or sleeping.

    I cannot sleep If I am not really tired (like 24 hours of not sleeping) and I have no appetite.

    You told me to do things without my family support .. but money talks. My family supports me financially so it is really hard for me to just be courageous and make every decision on my own.

    I am planning to withdraw from K University within this week If possible, I still can get 2/3 of the tuition fee for this semester If I withdraw this month.

    Finishing things here in Seoul and K University seems so easy, I do not even have a lot of friends to say goodbye with and my favourite professor had stopped teaching since this semester.

    I have no attachment … at all.

    -Monica

     

     

    #172149
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    I am excited for you when I think of you withdrawing from K University so soon, this very week! Getting most of your tuition back is a great positive as well.

    Regarding what you wrote here: “My family supports me financially so it is really hard for me to just be courageous and make every decision on my own”-

    your parents are invested in you. They need you. They need you to do well, which to them means that you get a prestigious educational degree from a quality university, at this point. They are very disinterested in having a daughter who will not be educated- it hurts their self image, how other people will view them.

    So they are motivated to have you attend a university and graduate. If you insist on dropping out of K, they will be motivated to pay for you to attend another university.

    Your family supports you financially not because of an act of grace, an act that they are likely to end if they are displeased. They are motivated and invested, emotionally, in you graduating from a prestigious enough university. And so, you have way more power than you may think.

    Stop begging for your parents’ approval, for their mercy. There is no realistic need for you to do that. You have power, exercise it. State the facts to them, that you are dropping out of K, and let them adjust to your decision.

    anita

    #172235
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I am taking back my own words, I do not when exactly I will have to withdraw from K University.

    My father is still being very hard on me, forcing me to stay here in Korea.

    I feel like dying.

    I know that this is temporary but I cannot sleep at all during the night, I am very tired, I have not eat anything for almost 2 days.

    My sleeping pattern is really messed up, I sleep on the afternoon for only 5-6 hours and I am not able to go sleep at night.

    My heart races and my thoughts is very active.

    I cannot relax … please help me.

    -Monica

    #172237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Monica:

    I was optimistic when I perceived that your mother was open to the move to Singapore. Now it seems like it wasn’t or isn’t so, I don’t understand what happened to that openness I thought I read about.

    I also read some confidence in your writing, that you were determined to proceed and withdraw from K. Now that confidence is subsided, at least it did when you wrote the post above.

    You wrote that your father is hard on you, what exactly is his position and what is your parents’ input about your distress, your depression, sleeplessness, exhaustion- how do they say you should manage these?

    If they want you to stay in K and in Korea, how do they say you should manage your distress about staying?

    anita

    #172249
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Seems like I have to stay for another 3 years here.

    My mother wants me to be happy but I am just very unhappy here during long periods of holiday.

    I realise that my depression was something that was caused by my loneliness here.

    I have no friends that I consider best friend or someone that I can really count on in Korea. I do not need a lot, just one person. One person.

    To be honest – I do love K University. The only thing that gives me validation as a person right now is the name of K University as one the best university in Korea and Asia. Who is Monica without K Uni?

    I choosed this university by my own choice, this university keeps … me alive in Korea.

    I have nothing left If I let go of KU – and it is true that I am not ready to let my university go.

    My mother has opened up to me how her current financial situation is not very good, she thinks that her company is closing very soon.

    We just currently have no resources or money to move me to Singapore. I feel so guilty, I can tell my parents are very stressed out. They have not been sleeping as well, thinking about my education.

    I understand their situation and I made a deal with my parents. I realise that when I go to school, I hate the people not the school in general, and these strong periods of stress comes often (every 2-3 weeks) but NOT everyday.

    I think that I can survive, If I go home every time I feel too stressed out like this week.

    My mother has promised to come to Seoul on my birthday (November 1st) – and I am happy, at least I won’t be spending my birthday alone. Or even If I am not alone, I will be spending it with the people that I do not even consider “friends” which is a torture as well.

    I am happy to just celebrate with my mother.

    I realise that I am very home sick and lonely when school has a long period of holiday like Thanksgiving.

    I feel so touched somehow when my mother finally understood me. I feel so happy that I won’t be spending my birthday alone crying, or spending Christmas holiday alone as well.

    I think my parents fully understand now that there are times where they have to go visit me here or I go back to my home country when the stress gets unbearable for me.

    I think about K University as my one and only reason to stay here. It used to be Gyunnie and K University but now all I have left is myself and K University. It is the last amount of pride that I still have … giving up is not an option.

    -Monica

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

Viewing 15 posts - 106 through 120 (of 194 total)

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