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Dating, intimacy and the pursuit of love

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  • April 16, 2016 at 9:33 pm #102034
    Durantula
    Participant

    Hey everyone!

    I’m a long time fan of Tiny Buddha, but this is my first post.

    I wanted to write a post for a while about dating, intimacy and the pursuit of love. Recently, I began dating again after quite some time since my last relationship. I’ve been doing this online and had quite a lot of fun! I went on some great dates and ended up meeting someone that I was quite taken with.

    Unfortunately, it didn’t work out with that person. The way it ended was not what I expected to – there was no chance to really have an open discussion at all (I did ask though). I’m in quite a tricky spot with it and have been doing some deep reflection and spiritual exploration as a result. Which, brings me here!

    I didn’t expect to meet someone who I was so attracted to on many different levels. It came as such a lovely surprise, but I also discovered throughout those dates that I have trouble being intimate with those that I’m really attracted to. To be vulnerable and intimate here, it’s taken me to quite a tender and delicate place. I’ve seen that I lack self-esteem and love for myself. But, I’m so grateful for the experience because it’s given me a unique insight into my life and how I am in relationships. It feels like I’m at the edge of sorts– a lot of deep issues from all aspects of my life have come together. I feel awake. I’m motivated to live my life more authentically and make changes.

    But at the same time, I’m also in a painful place. I’m experiencing a lot of disappointment and sadness, especially as I reflect on the drivers and underlying beliefs I’ve had about myself for such a long time (which I want to get to know and understand).

    I’d love to hear any advice you have! How do you slowly and gently catch yourself in difficult times like this? I catch myself thinking that I’ve missed a wonderful opportunity because I was unable to be ok with myself and therefore show that person who I am. I know that this in itself is tricky, but what gets me deep down is that I missed out with this person. And I will continue to miss out on enjoying romance, intimacy and love. To sum it up, I’m terrified I’ll never get another opportunity like this (intellectually I know this isn’t true, but my unconscious beliefs are in conflict with it). I’m finding that being close with while these dynamics are shedding a lot of light, I’m also looking for a more healthy, sustainable and loving way to let go and work through them.

    With warmest wishes to you all ☺

    April 17, 2016 at 6:10 am #102037
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi hopeoverdespair,

    When things go wrong, it’s common in our Culture to Blame the Victim. Here, it’s: “It didn’t work out, so that means I have to work on my self esteem and underlying intimacy issues and belief systems”. Yes, there is a Golden Path to what we want. It is possible to say The Right Words in The Right Way in The Right Time to The Right Person, and have it all work out. Well, most of us aren’t psychics or con artists. LOL!

    And guess what? It’s his loss too!! I bet he himself has self esteem/intimacy/belief systems going on! So you can’t win! LOL

    And guess what Part Two? You’re not SUPPOSED to show intimacy or your vulnerable side to just anyone/everyone etc. It’s OK to give these things TIME.

    Keep going out on dates. Keep it light. Keep it fun. One day you will click with a special person! Warts and all!

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by Inky.
    April 17, 2016 at 7:05 am #102040
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hopeoverdespair:

    You wrote that you are awake: that is a good feeling, isn’t it? To be awake.

    You wrote: ” I’m motivated to live my life more authentically and make changes.But at the same time… I’m experiencing a lot of disappointment and sadness, especially as I reflect on the drivers and underlying beliefs I’ve had about myself for such a long time (which I want to get to know and understand).”

    When you wrote that you are motivated to live your life more authentically, to me, it means that indeed you are awake.

    The “underlying beliefs” you mentioned, wanting to get to know those and understand them, is fundamental in your quest to remain awake and live authentically. These underlying beliefs, I know them as “core beliefs”- those basic beliefs we formed in childhood about who we are, who others are and what life is about.

    Examples of core beliefs I had and through a process, are changing, over time and through hard work:

    There is something (inherently, as in born that way) wrong with me.
    Other people have it together and I am a sorry exception.
    I can make my mother happy if I become rich enough to give her material luxuries.
    It (anything) is my fault.
    Life is not fair.

    One of the above I still hold on to. I still believe and do not intend to change. The other four I have been changing because they are not true.

    Can you list your own core/ underlying beliefs? Or one you want to focus on? If you want, we can look at it..?

    anita

    April 17, 2016 at 9:39 am #102047
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    @hopeoverdespair If it didn’t work out with this person, then maybe you’re meant to meet someone else more amazing. Just don’t be so hard on yourself. You’re amazing just the way you are. (Bruno Mars reference.) @inky, it’s good to see you online!

    April 17, 2016 at 8:40 pm #102065
    Durantula
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your responses, everyone!
    Anita – it is a great feeling! It’s like I have a surprising amount of new energy. It’s great to know that my underlying beliefs are a key part of the journey. A lot of them definitely stem from my childhood, and I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking and doing exercises to try identify them.
    Some examples are:
    – There has to be something wrong with me
    – If I reveal who I really am to someone, there is no way they’ll like me for me
    – Emotional intimacy means being able to listen to another person’s issues and always making sure they are ok, no matter what it is.
    – I need the approval and validation of others, particularly if they have qualities that I want, need, am jealous of or feeling insecure about (that way, I can have it for myself).
    – I’ve never been seen or heard – I have to perform and ‘step on the treadmill’, and work hard for another person so they can see my best possible self. If I’m not feeling great, well or good, they won’t like what they see.
    – I’ll never have a good relationship with my anxiety, or myself and therefore never achieve my full potential.

    As you can see, there is a lot here! The part that I’m ruminating on is that with person I went on a few dates with, it felt like they were asking questions to get to know me. Because of the above, I sometimes would be embarrassed and insecure. I found I would freeze or hide what I really felt or what I was doing, to try perform or say what I think they wanted to hear. As a result, I can’t stop thinking that if I was just present (like I’ve been practicing with my friends, with awesome results), it might have worked out. That is, at the root of it, I’ll never know whether we were truly compatible or not (killing me!). Do you have any suggestions for how I can work with this to be easier on myself (I’m obsessing quite a bit and running through past conversations and scenarios).

    Inky – thank you so much for your kind words. I hadn’t thought about it from that perspective – the unrealistic expectation to be open and vulnerable to everyone. I think you’re right, it does take time ☺

    Aiyana – your post gave me a lot of relief, thank you. I’m trying to explore just being ok with how I am, in any moment. So excited to experiment and see what unfolds!

    April 18, 2016 at 9:13 am #102124
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear hopeoverdispair:

    Practicing with your friends was and is an excellent idea. Problem, of course, is the fear factor. With your friends you are not so afraid of rejection. With a date, you are acutely afraid.

    here are your core beliefs and what you may be saying to yourself on a date with a man you are interested in:

    * “There has to be something wrong with me/If I reveal who I really am to someone, there is no way they’ll like me for me.” – He is going to find out…oh, no! Must hide!

    * “Emotional intimacy means being able to listen to another person’s issues and always making sure they are ok, no matter what it is.” i am not important. He is important. Don’t waste his time with my issues and feelings.

    * “I need the approval and validation of others…(that way, I can have it for myself).”- Look approvable, sound approvable, watch his face: does he approve of me? His voice: does he approve of me. Nothing matters more: not what he is saying, not what is true about me or about me… only matters that he approves, no matter who he is.

    * “I have to perform and ‘step on the treadmill’, and work hard for another person so they can see my best possible self. If I’m not feeling great, well or good, they won’t like what they see./I’ll never have a good relationship with my anxiety, or myself” -It is not okay to appear sad or anxious. I cannot relax and just be: must be alert to look happy and perfectly fine- Fake it then!

    When you obsess on conversations that happened already, that is you mentally practicing how to improve your performance the next time.

    Notice in you being alert about your performance on a date, you not only don’t express your authentic self, you also are not paying attention to who the man is. This is key. You can’t know therefore Who it is that you may have missed on having a relationship with.

    These core beliefs you listed are very common. Most likely the date shares some of those. Focus on this reality, that the man in front of you may very well share your fears and putting on a performance himself. Everyone is afraid. No single exception. Not everyone is afraid of spiders but everyone is afraid of something and most people are afraid of a whole lot of things. Focus on learning who he is. Replace your fear with curiosity: who is this man in front of me? I want to know who he is.

    Also, realize more fully that this alertness during a date/ relationship is very ineffective and will lead to an ongoing bad relationship or to a potentially good relationship ending very prematurely.

    Practice with dates, practice with everyone. When you express that you accept your own fears, sadness, you communicate to the other person that you will accept his fear and his sadness. (whether the man will proceed to reveal himself honestly or try to take advantage of your “weaknesses” – which are really strengths- well, that is something for you to learn about the man.

    anita

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