March 16, 2018 at 6:34 pm #197759
I am 29 and really lost. So my problem is that I can't make up my mind what would be the best decision for me right now. I was always on the run. I am from Europe and grew up in a problematic family, my brother being a bully, my mom has mental issue and my dad having alcohol problems. All my past relationships were pretty messed up. After college I wanted to explore so I moved to Austria but it was really hard because of the language, having to do something that I didn't really like jobwise in the hope that the future will be better. After I moved back home I've met my husband who is American. We lived in Europe for 3 yearsand then moved to the States. I knew we weren't right for each other but I married him anyway partially because I was trying to get away from my family, partially because I wanted to believe that he would turn into Prince Charming once we moved to America. I've lived here for 2 years and a half now. Recently quit my job because my boss killed my self esteem and also I realized a fast pace environment is just not for me. All this time I was using substances and alcohol to cope with my problems being in a unfulfilling marriage, feeling like I have potential but feeling like I don't have enough mobility. My biggest problem is that I don't have a car and don't have snout practice in driving either. I'm afraid to get a divorce because the rent and everything is so expensive. I could probably pay for rent and utilities but would feel like I have to seal my soulprobably working 2 jobs that I hate. I have had several affairs in the past trying to get love from someone since I'm dealing with abandonment issues and in the hope that I could be a team with the other person. My husband had been molested when he was a child and molested me several times I haven't got physical with him him over a year now because I just get emotionally and physically hurt. I barely have any friends and here, no one really who I can rely on here or who could help. I was thinking a lot about moving home but would hate to leave. I like the USA, my culture is so narrowminded and also I might find a better job but I would have to struggle with money and my brother would have to help me to start a new life, look for a new apartment because and I don't have a good relationship with him and he would rub it in my face that he helped me. If I move in with my parents they are gonna drag my energy down they drink and I try to stay away from alcohol. I don't know what to do. I would really miss the diversity here and would have a cultural shock moving back to my poor homecountry. I also don't want to again run away from my problems. I am deeply wounded started doing yoga and meditate but I always fall back to the same pattern of trying to numb my pain for 1 or 2 days and then have to start all my good habits. I feel like this is pretty urgent cause next year I will be 30. I don't know what to do. I feel like I live between two extremes and my life is a dead end. I stopped having affairs and I've been try I to avoid substances as much as u can't but I still do it every once in a while. I'm financially dependent I my husband at the moment and trying to pick myself up and look for part time jobs but I'm concerned what will I find since I don't have a car. Also my college degree here is pretty much worthless 🙁March 17, 2018 at 6:18 am #197797
You wrote: “I always fall back to the same pattern of trying t numb my pain for 1 or 2 days and then have to start all my good habits”- I think that the solution to this Dead-end problem that you described is to start something new and persist. Exit that pattern of starting, then taking a break and then starting again. This is the dead end: being stuck in the beginning, never getting to the middle and onward.
Clearly, going back to living with your parents is not a good idea, neither is it a good idea to involve your brother in your life.
I am wondering; you wrote that your college degree from your home country is worthless in the U.S. Did you consider teaching in a public school?
Some US public school districts will accept a college degree from other countries (after you send it to an agency that evaluates it) and will hire you based on a degree on any topic. Then as you work you attend classes for a U.S teaching credentials and certification.