Home→Forums→Relationships→Dealing with a breakup after 2 months
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August 14, 2015 at 6:41 am #81812
MelissaParticipantHi, I am new to here. I had always come to this website for guidance but now I feel so lost. A long term boyfriend broke up with me now over 2 months ago.
I wish I could really get across what our relationship was. We were very much in love, we started beautifully, through serendipity really. He lived away from me for a year but after moved to London. He did start to change, getting more materialistic but I loved him, I was proud of him for doing well in his job, taking pride in his appearance. I didn’t see.
After nearly 3 years he met up with me, and told me it wasn’t working, that there was no one else. I remember that moment so clearly – is not seen it coming so I suggested we go to a bar that I thought he’d like. We haven’t spoken since that day. It’s been so hard but I never expected what was to come.
Fortunately I was going on holiday in a few days but when I got back and turned on my laptop I saw his name on the corner of my Chrome browser. I clicked it. His email came up. It was through this i learned that he’d made a reservation for two at a bar we’d gone to a year and half earlier, we shared a beautiful memory there, I took him there and said it was a favourite of mine. Unfortunately I didn’t close the email. A week later I found the conformation for flights to Venice for two, and hotel booking for him and his assistant who started out as an intern in his company. Reading this back as I type it out at work, it reads like a film.
I am so highly sensitive. I gave the laptop my mother and switched to using hers. I didn’t want to look at it anymore. 2 weeks later he uploaded his diary on to his emails and there it was. Everything. They hooked up on Friday night at a work event, he felt disgusted with himself on Monday. Broke up with me on Tuesday but wants to be with her. She had also apparently been in a long term relationship.
I felt sick. That he lied. He cheated. He was never this person, I wish the people reading this could know him. Know one expected this. He treated me nicely as a boyfriend. But I found this so disrespectful. Like he cut all care, love and emotion. Like I meant nothing.
Now I’m slowly getting back on my feet. I met someone new, he’s nice. Many people have said don’t jump into something so quickly. I don’t really know what I’m doing. The issue I have now is every morning I think of how he cheated and couldn’t tell me, even when I asked him directly on that fateful day. My mind doesn’t let me rest, it pushes me to think of it, it almost feels like it forces me. I’m close to my mother, it’s just me and her. She is so angry and vengeful. But I just want to find peace. I want to cultivate kindness and happiness again. I am tired of feeling so hurt.
Is it due to the fact that he doesn’t know I know? Is that why I can’t rest? But I battle with myself thinking that if I did reach out and tell him I know, if he acted cold and uncaring, that would hurt me even more.
I just want to be happy again. I want to stop thinking of the cheating. Stop thinking of how someone that knew me so well, could see how I wanted to just be good and loving and so affectionate- could do that to me.
August 14, 2015 at 8:51 am #81822
AnonymousGuestDear melissa:
You wrote that your are close to your mother, that it is just you and her and that she is “so angry and vengeful.” Can you tell me more about this… the nature of your relationship with her: what is “close”- has it always been the way it is now- and what is the nature of her anger and her vengefulness: what does she say to you? What is she communicating to you?
anita
August 14, 2015 at 9:43 am #81826MelissaParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you for your reply. It has been me and my mum for the last 17 years as my parents split when I was 4. In the last few years we have acted more like sisters than mother-daughter. But we are not very compatible as people, we clash often making living together hard so I oved out 2 years ago. She is incredibly protective of me, she wants to make sure I’m always okay that it can feel a little suffocating so I keep some aspects of my life private from her. But with this breakup I really needed her so I spoke a lot about it. She read his diary. A lot of her anger stems from someone hurting her only child, she knows just how sensitive and soft I really am. Her vengefulness manifests from wanting to seek revenge in someone way, be that via exposure of what he’s done, not wanting him to succeed in his job. She hates him. Unfortunately emotions like that never work out well for me, I am trying to feel more positive about my own life rather than focus on getting revenge on something else. That is what I am struggling to do at this point.
August 14, 2015 at 12:22 pm #81839
CTParticipantDear Melissa
Two months is still a short time in the grand scheme of things. You were together for a long time, you invested in the relationship and you had plans for the future. You loved your boyfriend and when someone you love so much hurts you it’s natural to feel a lot of mixed emotions. You may feel betrayed, abandoned, and rejected. You still feel all these feelings of love towards them even though they hurt you and that creates a lot of conflict internally. These are feelings you need to acknowledge and accept. That they may well be there for a while and that’s ok but you’re only human.
I’m still fresh from my breakup, just over a month and I have been up and down like a yo yo however the greatest thing I’ve learn is that it’s actually forced me to look at myself and the things I can do to be happier in myself. I really like this great quote by Christine Caine ” Sometimes when you’re in a dark place and you think you’ve been buried you’ve actually been planted”. It’s incredibly difficult but now is the time to focus on you. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do but never managed to do because you were thinking about him? Are there things in your own life aside from this you’ve always wanted to change? Now is the time to look at them
These questions of reaching out and telling him, how do you think they would affect you? Are you trying to seek answer when you have them already for closure? Don’t spend time caring about someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same about you. If you don’t get the response you want you will only end up being more hurt.
About finding someone else. It’s easy for others to be judgemental. Do what you think feels natural to you but bear in mind if your heart is not fully healed it may be very difficult to accept someone else. It may not be fair to the other person if your ex is still on your mind so much.
I wish you all the best, I’m sorry you’re going this pain right now
August 16, 2015 at 9:53 am #81874MelissaParticipantDear CT
Thank you for your reply. I’m sorry that you too are having to go through a break up. I’m 21 and this was the first long term relationship I had been in. I’m still not sure who ‘me’ really is, because while I was with him, I was also really thinking of self improvement eg getting fitter, becoming a better cook but I guess all those things where with him in mind.. He was my motivation, strangely I wanted to make him proud maybe.
You are right, I don’t know what I would achieve by telling him I know. It would definitely hurt to tell him and for him to completely not care. I would want to wait for a very long time so that if he did react coldly, I wouldn’t be as affected. I think to me it’s almost an injustice that he thinks he got away with it but maybe I still have a bitterness toward the actual cheating.
I have spoken to the new person in my life and he too feels anxiety over where my head may be at. I am being as honest as possible with him. It’s hard to explain but when I found out the truth, I just wanted to meet new people. So I threw myself out there and started trying to date but I was trying to be honest with myself, not forcing myself on someone. I was finding that I wasn’t clicking nor felt comfortable with the people I met. When I met this new person, there was just a sense of ease. We talked about mindfulness the first time we met I had felt a lightness with him. So I went with it, it feels natural right now. I’m not sure how it will turn out, nightmares of my ex cheating to still come but not so much how I miss him. Perhaps because I lost respect for him.
As you say, I do still feel like a yo yo in terms of emotion.
August 16, 2015 at 11:54 am #81875AnonymousGuestDear Melissa:
When you are able and willing to learn more about what happened, the truth of what happened, you can email or otherwise as your ex bf. Not that he will tell you the truth, not even his truth, but you can ask in the most un-threatening way, just so to get information and when he answers you, if he does, you can learn from his answer, not taking it on face value but examining it. Maybe asking questions based on his answer, to learn. If you communicate to him that you are only interested in understanding.
There is a line in that famous movie: “You can’t handle the truth.” Most people can’t handle some truth, often a lot of the truth. So it is up to you, to figure out if and when you are able to look objectively enough at what was and what is so to learn. Your mother will not be helpful in such learning because her rage and vengefulness is based on her projections, probably not accurate. I am assuming so because you and her clash so much, as you wrote, so I am imagining her feeling so protective of you does not mean she knows you very well. And I doubt she knows him or even you.
Once you feel confident enough in being able to “handle the truth”- you will seek it.
anitaAugust 16, 2015 at 11:56 am #81876AnonymousGuestCorrection, second line: “or otherwise ASK your ex bf”
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