Dear Alexander:

I wonder if it might be a good idea for you to talk to your employer, the one paying your coworker’s salary, about your suspicions that he may be costing the company financial loss, maybe loss of reputation with clients, because of his irresponsible behaviors (?)

As far as the enormous stress, anger and sleepless nights that you are experiencing because of your co-worker: you are experiencing this distress because you are thinking about him, thinking about him a lot, am I correct?

If I am correct, then you need to greatly limit the amount of time you spend thinking about him, especially after work and before bed time. When you find yourself thinking about him, getting caught in the thoughts (and in the distress that accompanies these thoughts), think to yourself: is there anything I can do about any of this? If there is, make a note of it and do it when the time is right, then stop thinking about it. Think about him only if there is a practical reason to think about him.

We can discuss the topic further if you want, after you respond to this post, if you do.

anita

Dear Alexander:

You are welcome. You wrote: “probably my anger stems from the fact that I didn’t confront him the way I should  have”- maybe you should improve your confrontation skills. When you get better at confronting a person, you will no longer feel powerless in situations where there is conflict. It is the feeling of having no power that gives rise to anxiety and over-thinking.

What do you think about my suggestion?

anita

• This reply was modified 3 years, 6 months ago by .

Dear Alexander:

You are welcome. Lots and lots of people struggle when it comes to confronting other people. Many are too afraid of how the people confronted will react, other are too afraid of their own anger, afraid it is too strong and will cause them to harm the confronted person, ending up in prison, and whatnot. Most people don’t know how to confront others in a way that is most likely to solve a problem and benefit the people involved.

Like all skills, confrontation skills can be learned. Here is a writing (typing) exercise that I suggest, and if you want to, you are welcome to do it here:

1) Take in a few slow breaths and tell yourself that this is just an exercise, and no confrontation is taking place. Every time during the exercise that you feel getting too angry, your breathing becoming fast and shallow, take a moment for a few slow breaths and tell yourself that this is only an exercise.

2) Choose one of the two situations you mentioned regarding your coworker: that you suspect that he dropped a piece of equipment and didn’t tell anyone that he did, or that you suspect that he lied about being sick and staying home.

3) Type the time and place for the planned confrontation.

4) Type what you will say to him so to introduce to him the situation you want to confront him with.

5) Type 2 or 3 responses that he may come up with following your introduction.

6) Type what you will say to each of his responses.

7) You can edit the above, or not and submit to me, and I will reply with what is next.

anita