Hello Tiny Buddha Community,

I’m sorry that i cant keep this short and sweet!

My mother and I have an ok relationship but i wouldn’t call us close. She has had rheumatoid arthritis since i was about 6 (i am now 31) and with it came a whole slew of emotional baggage, melodrama and not-so-good coping mechanisms. Another thing to add is that my mother loves to exaggerate and still throws tantrums like a toddler if things dont go her way. when this occurs she tries to make my siblings and I feel guilty about it by calling us ‘ungrateful or bad kids, this is how you treat your sick mother’ and things like that if we go against her wishes. It’s not like we dont do our best to help out as much as possible.

I love my mother, she has many great and wonderful personality traits, but she can be so….rigid and hard to talk to when she gets in a mood. I cant bring concerns up, or communicate with her in a constructive way because she starts raising her voice in attempts to stop the discussion from continuing. She loves to point out our flaws and criticize others but doesnt like it when we point out hers in an attempt to try and fix all the psycological stress we’re all under. I know that much of her behaviour stems from the disease but not all of it should be blamed on it.

*sigh* this is why i dont see my family that often…and I live down the street with my husband!

Physical, emotional and psychological pain are so different from one another and my father, siblings and I have attempted to help her in more ways than one throughout the years. No matter what atrocious insult comes out of her mouth when shes angry or in pain we’ve had to swallow it with a smile.

So the incident that sparked the need for advice from someone. My father’s birthday is coming up this weekend. My mother has asked ME to invite my mother-in-law to it because she says that she told everyone else that is attending the party (all of whom she has invited herself) that i am the one planning the party. SO in her eyes since “i am the one organizing the party,” I should be the one to invite her.

Now, typically i would not have an issue with this at all but the reason why my mother has asked this favour of me is because she doesnt want to have to confront my mother-in-law and explain the less than family-like behaviour she has displayed towards her over the last few weeks. My mother-in-law’s extended family came to visit, some my mother has met, others she has not. I come from a Hispanic background so a tight nit family is really important, not taking the time to at least come say hello to members that arrive from far away to meet them is frowned upon. I get it, ‘she was too busy’ but i know my mother, and I know she did that because she was in one of her ‘moods.’

The family that came by to visit asked me about my parents ALL THE TIME. and i spent the entirety of their stay here making excuses for them…like come on. One visit. ONE CALL isn’t going to kill you.

Now my mother knows she messed up and doesn’t wanna own up to it and doesn’t want to call my mother-in-law to invite her because of it. She is giving me the whole ‘but i told everyone you’re organizing it’ excuse, but that’s all it is-an excuse. So i confronted her about it, straight up telling her that she needs to do this herself. Obviously she pulled the victim card, lashed out and told me that she has cancelled the party because now I’VE stressed her out. So my dad’s bday party is cancelled now and its my fault.

I know why she doesnt wanna cal my mother-in-law herself and she has now resorted to telling me that ‘im selfish and dont care about her or my father and that all the wrong doings that one does to a mother is paid for one way or another on this earth or another plane.’ really? the bad karma card?

Guys, I’m really not a bad person..i love my mother but i feel as though if i do this she will not be learning anything. She will not take responsibility for her actions/inactions. and will keep making me confront everything for her. She will continue to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not doing what she wants. I also want my dad to have his party. He works so hard and he deserves it.

Why does this matter to me so much? Because in spending more time with my husbands family im relaizing how disfunctional mine really is. How negative it all is….i feel so sad that ive come to realize the level of toxicity within my own family.

What do i do? Do i just give in, let her throw tantrums and have her way? Or do i stick my ground? I would like to add that my father’s birthday is actually tomorrow and i will be visiting with a cake. My mother’s response ‘come if you want, he’s only a father to you when its convenient for you anyway.’

ANy input would be greatly appreciated. Again sorry for the long post.