Hi Mystique,

I just want to applaud you for noticing your mom’s unfair/toxic behaviors and still learning to live in harmony with her. I’m willing to bet you had to sacrifice a lot of your own needs, wants and emotional health to do that. I haven’t been as graceful in dealing with my mom’s manipulative behaviors.

“She will continue to manipulate me and make me feel guilty for not doing what she wants.” Exactly. You did the right thing to confront her. The saddest part of gaining all this insight into dysfunction is realizing that she is unaware of how dysfunctional her behavior is. She doesn’t know she is being “manipulative” or “irresponsible,” she is simply doing what she knows will get what she wants and needs. And she was probably treated the same growing up.

This isn’t to say that you shouldn’t hold her responsible. It will be painful. There may be greater conflict and distance. But please do not feel guilty or “bad” for protecting yourself and being a reasonable adult. Is there a way you can speak with her rationally, and say things along the lines of: “Mom, I want this party for dad and I know you do too. I can call my mother-in-law this time if you’re uncomfortable with it, but I think it would be good if you reached out to her eventually. Is that okay?”

It may be a bit idealistic to think she’ll be receptive, but at least you said your part and attempted to compromise and reconcile. It’s the next day now so I’m hoping you guys were able to figure something out, but I just want to affirm you again for recognizing dysfunction and standing up to her. Abuse is never okay, verbally or otherwise.

Hoping for the best,

veronica

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Veronica.