I was sitting home dealing with misery a d addiction much like yourself when I stumbled across your post… So I joined the site and here I am. My addiction is a different substance but addiction is addiction. It all starts in the mind. I’m not saying you aren’t physically addicted because clearly you are (I get that) but the road to and from substance abuse starts in the mind. Not going to lie, the withdrawal period is gonna suck but it will end. If you keep continuing the way you are it’s never going to end and it’s going to get worse. This may sound hokie and completely ridiculous but try some AA meetings. Om not an alcoholic, im a drug addict. They’re free, they’re all over the place and anonymous. Go to as many as you can and eventually you’ll find a group you click with and that’s what it’s all about. I don’t know if you’re religious (I’m an atheist) AA will talk about “god” or a “higher power” don’t get too caught up in that if you’re not religious. That sort of thing offended me for a long time and still kinda does. The program has helped me and it can help you too. I’m not really one to talk because I’m a chronic relapser. I’ve been going for about 8 months now and I’ve never been able to get a run of sobriety of more than about 45 days but things are not as bad as they were and I’ve been doing drugs longer than you’ve been alive. At the very least it’s a safe place to talk, the people will not judge you, they will understand and guarantee you that you will be welcomed with open arms. Think about it, it’s a place to start. Ya gotta start the change somewhere, somehow or the pain and suffering won’t ever stop.

Dear girly girl:

You wrote, “my bf or family would not understand”- often family does not understand anything at all. My mother understood nothing much about me.

This is my successful experience with my withdrawal from Klonipin, an addictive anti anxiety drug that was prescribed to me and which I took for a couple of decades or so, following a few failed attempts to stop consumption:

it took the following to accomplish the eventual success October 2013, for me:

– very gradual and slow withdrawal with the instruction and support of a psychiatrist who I trusted more than the one before him.

– a daily routine that included a daily long walk, other exercise and a social calendar, things to do with people.

– the practice of Mindfulness (there are articles on the home page on it, under Blogs and elsewhere, as it is a hot item in psychotherapy and otherwise)

– creating a calm place in my brain. When I was most anxious during that evening in October 2013, when I considered and felt it was inevitable that I will be taking a pill, Klonipin, that very evening, because the anxiety overwhelmed me, during that evening, that moment of overwhelm, feeling scared of falling into a place of no return, at that moment- I went to that calm place in my brain, a place I visited before (meditation, mindfulness).

In that calm place I was able to see the scared part  of me. Without that calm place, all of me would have been scared. With that calm place, part of me was not scared. That part of me made it possible for me to abstain that night and ever since from Klonipin (and from any other psychiatric drug ever since).

anita