Last year was absolutely the worst year of my life. In February, my brother and only sibling died from injuries he sustained in a terrible car accident. On Mother’s Day, my husband of 24 years told me that he wanted a separation and kicked me out of our home in front of our children. He told me that he has been pretending to love me for a long time. I begged him to go to marriage counseling to save our marriage. He refused stating that our marriage wasn’t worth saving. A few weeks later he asked for a divorce. He was leaving me for the woman he had been seeing for a couple of years. He refused to acknowledge the affair and, in fact, tried to convince our children that the divorce was all my fault and that I was evil. For a while, even I believed him. My 20 year old son is only now starting to communicate with me even though he knows the truth about his father’s relationship with the other woman. He spends holidays with my ex and with “her” at her mother’s house. I have not seen my son in nearly a year.

My divorce was finalized in November of last year. My ex and his mistress are now engaged to be married. When I learned this, just this week, my hard-won strength and will to keep moving forward dissolved. I was suddenly and unexpectedly right back at square one in my healing process. I have learned that grief is not linear. I know that as you grieve a loss as significant as divorce you tend to experience the various stages in cycles, bouncing around from one to the next and back again. But, I didn’t expect to suddenly start feeling intense love again for my husband who systematically lied to me on a daily basis to cover his affair. He was exceedingly cruel to me throughout the divorce process. Yet, it was there – that intense longing to have him back in my life. I began comparing myself to “her” all over again. I cried, wept really, and haven’t been able to eat or sleep much. I’ve lost 60 pounds. I’m not complaining about the weight loss. It’s a godsend. But, I am very concerned that my efforts to heal and move on are never going to progress if I’m still this deeply affected.

I had been a stay-at-home mom for 17 years. When my son (my youngest) graduated from high school, I went back to college to earn my degree. I am still working on that goal. I’ve moved back to my home state (a financial necessity), closer to my parents and friends, and have been actively working on building new friendships and trying to build a new life for myself. I’ve tried online dating, but have yet to find anyone I was interested in seeing a second time. The quality of men just isn’t there, so far. It’s very discouraging. Like so many women in mid-life, I’m worried that I will never find love again. I believed that my ex and I were soulmates. I never imagined that he would do something like this. Everyone was stunned, even his own family. Yet, they have fully accepted “her” and I am forced to fade into the background.

I thought I had released him, wished him well, and begun the necessary and difficult journey of moving on. Apparently not. I want to fully forgive him, but I’m just not quite there yet. I am plagued by memories of our life together that never go away. Songs, places, smells, phrases, silly little things we laughed about – all come rushing into the forefront of my mind and keep me stuck. Yes, I know that things weren’t good for the last few years. I know the hard, cold facts about his infidelities (there was more than one woman). Despite it all, I kept clinging to some ridiculous notion that he would eventually realize his mistake and, full of remorse, come back to me. I still cannot fathom how the nearly 30 years we were a couple means nothing to him now. We raised two children. We have so much history. Yet, all of that has vanished from his mind as if it never happened. I have been vilified, rejected, ignored, and thrown away. I live with constant, aching loneliness at the loss of my best friend and partner. I thought we would gracefully enjoy the time we had together as our children left the nest. I cherished the thought of growing old together. He had other plans. The nest emptied all the same, while my entire life shattered into pieces.

Some of my pain, confusion, and anger stems from the fact that he is willing to do for “her” things he would not do for me. I begged him to go to church with me. He refused. Before our divorce was even finalized, he was sitting in a pew every Sunday with “her” – and at MY church, no less.

I get up each day, go to my classes, work out, and eat well (when I feel like eating at all). I have supportive friends. I like my new apartment. I am truly grateful for so many things. Yet, the loneliness is crushing. Some days it’s a struggle to breathe. I am always grateful for the days when it is bearable. I’ve worked with a therapist, seen my doctor, talked to ministers, talked to friends, become a self-help book junkie, and journal nearly every day. Yet, I still unravel when I hear just how wonderful life is for my ex or when my son (still living with his father while he attends college) refuses to communicate with me. I’ve offered to let him live with me. He prefers to live with his father, two states away. My daughter is married and is supportive. She knows the full truth because witnesses to the affair called her to tell her what they saw. She’s disgusted with her father, yet she is desperate for his love and attention. He was cruel to her throughout the divorce and the aftermath because she asked too many questions and demanded that he tell her the truth. Now, he’s trying to get back into her good graces so that she will accept “her” as his new wife.

What upsets me worst of all is the knowledge that I will now have to share my children and future grandchildren with the woman who so callously tore apart my family. How do you ever reconcile that in your heart?

How do I fully embrace what is when every part of me rejects it? How do I get to a point where I no longer care what my ex is up to? Does it ever happen? I want to fully heal from this, reclaim my life, and find love again. I welcome any thoughts, ideas, suggestions, and comments. Any insight is very much appreciated.