Hi Nature Fairy,

I agree with Sassypants.

I think you’ve fallen into a trap that a lot of women fall into, where they think ‘If I nurture him and love him, he will become a good boyfriend.’

The chances are that he won’t. You say that you think deep down he is the man you first met. I think the opposite is true in relationships usually. I think that we are often on our best behavior when we first meet someone and then, when we become more comfortable, our true selves begin to show, for better or worse. It seems to me, that this is what you got from this man.

I also think that mental illness is not an excuse to treat someone badly, not to the extent that your ex has done. I have a mental illness, not depression but anxiety, and I admit that it puts a strain on my relationship. Sometimes I’m not as a good a wife as I could be. It’s not however a blanket excuse to treat my husband like rubbish. We deal with my illness by talking about it and for the most part this works.

If I were you I would not see this last 5 months as wasted on a bad relationship but as an investment in your future. I think you’ve learnt some really valuable lessons from this about what you do not want.

I’m also really impressed by how well you have stuck to your boundaries. You’ve made it clear to him that you will not take any more bad treatment from him. That is a really healthy thing to do. I think that if you keep taking care of yourself in the way you have this time, you will have a much happier future.

Wishing you health and happiness.

My boyfriend of nearly 5 months just broke up with me, saying he was too messed up to be in a relationship. He suffers from depression, and I believe to also be bipolar. He’s been very honest with me about his depression, or so I thought. He was never abusive to me; just the opposite. He was the most romantic, giving and considerate man I’ve ever known. I was happier than I think I have ever been – doing fun things, sharing, being a couple. We saw each other a few times a week and talked, texted or emailed every day, all throughout the day.

He recently told me that his depression worsens in the fall/winter and that he wanted to spend more time alone. Evidently he has seen close family members (including his mother) die during this season, and also the end to his last marriage happened during this time. I said I understood, and gave him space. We saw each other maybe once a week, but I could feel him withdrawing. He admitted that to me, and said that it had nothing to do with me, that he had so many relationships and marriages that ended badly, that he wanted to slow down and give our relationship a chance to be better for both of us – do something different than he had in other relationships. We still were in touch with each other every day – both contacting each other; not just me to him. He was still reaching out to me. I’ll also mention that he is in therapy once a week and takes anti-depressants.

Because I was so happy being with him, I was willing to deal with the depression, thinking we could work thru this together. After all, he was not mean or abusive to me and everything else seemed so good and right. I was taking time for myself and still being with my friends and doing things on my own. He had his friends too.

But 2 days ago all things changed. He made the decision not to see my anymore, saying he needed to work on himself – straighten out his mind and heart before he could commit to anyone or be in a relationship. He did this by email too, not even strong (or man) enough to tell me face to face. That’s surprising to me, considering how open he had been with me about everything else. I replied, first with understanding and support (again), but then with anger as to how he could make this decision without talking to me. I had so many questions and things to say. I had not heard from him at all. He is being so cold, abrupt and almost brutal with ending it so quickly.

Of course I was at first thinking that there was maybe a small chance that I could change his mind – make him see that I could help him through whatever he was going thru. But looking back at some of the signs I chose to ignore, I realize that he is far more confused, conflicted and “messed up” than I had realized, or wanted to admit. It is so very hard to just stop being in touch with him just like that. But I have come to know that it is the best thing for me. There is nothing I can do to help him or fix him or change his mind. He thinks and believes what he believes.

I was falling in love with him, and I thought he was with me too from all indications and things he said. But in reality, he was just acting. It wasn’t intentional, because he really wanted to be in a relationship, I believe. But the closer I got and deeper my feelings became, the more he pulled away. The scars from his last marriage were too deep, he said. He couldn’t love me the way I needed to be loved, and he knows I deserve better. And that is the truth. I do deserve better. Not that he is not good, but he’s just not good for me.

For someone who is as caring, loyal and committed as I am, that was a hard pill to swallow. But I know that I have to let him go. I’ve been mourning what was these last couple of days. It is very hard to get him out of my mind. I do miss him and worry about him, but I can’t allow myself to get sucked in to his world again.

I’m not sure if this is helpful to anyone. But my advice it to be strong for yourself. The pain will ease with time.

It’s been over a month since the initial post from “naturefairy”. I hope things are better for her.

Angela,
Your story is almost exactly like mine and though I have been through a a failed narriage and 2 other relationships since, this breakup has devastated me beyond words. I’m so exhausted, it just happened and I am not coping. I have children to care for and a career to keep but I am so scared that I won’t get through this.
I can’t even bring myself to type out the situation but it is so similar to yours. I wonder how you are managing now and if things have changed. I’m terrified he will want to come back when he feels better and does this again. I know I will let him. We were friends for six years and romantically involved for few months. He confessed how he always had a thing for me but were both involved. Its a long story with a long history. The other day things were great, he couldnt wait to see me and hours later it was the opposite and nothing had happened.. He battles depression. I need help coping and moving on. I already know this wasn’t him but his depression acting out but I don’t know what to do.