I agree, Anita. After all, our bond did not develop just like that… and I still have enough faith in it. Sadly the act of hurting a loved one with cruel words which go into their hearts like fiery knives, making them suffer death-like pain everyday as they feel the effects of it, is only a little short of as terrible as murder. And losing a loved one, especially one who means the world to you, due to your continuous and remorseless misdeeds is a punishment nearly as terrible as prison. Maybe even prison would be tolerable in comparison to this anguish.

Yes I do know the two incidents are unconnected. I just felt bad for my actions. And yup I’ve read about how the passive aggressiveness works. On such occasions I generally just tend to get up and walk away. Though here I do know he has a genuine reason to be worried. But with all this pressure in my head, studies are only intermittently possible for me, until that terrible crushing sensation begins.

Truthfully speaking, even I don’t know. Any human being would be terribly hurt by someone they love so much saying such things, that too countless times. All she said regarding this is, “he hurt me with all the bad words he used, but I’ll always pray for him and wish good for him”. After that whatever I heard she said has been regarding her shock about my changed feelings for her, not the fight we had. Of course she’s too sweet to tell others about what I did. Maybe it’s this suspense and the fact that she’s said so little and kept her true pain and magnitude of that pain quietly within herself, which makes it even more painful to me.

I had never really thought of it this way. That the pain I’m imagining her to be feeling, is the pain I’m feeling myself due to guilt and depression. That’s something quite profound you mentioned. But I don’t know if it’s strength or cowardice that I’m still here. Not too long ago I was Googling “painless methods of suicide” and what not hoping to just put an end to all this. But obviously I can’t. Because thankfully my dear family never even gave me pocket money in my life, so even if I have to buy a peanut, I need to ask them first. I can hardly walk up to them asking money to get poison (and ask dad to drive me there). Maybe because there still is a tiny shoot of hope in my heart that everything will be alright, that I’m holding on somehow.

These feelings of jealousy and insecurity I mentioned in my previous post, which I had felt were gone, also have me worried a lot. I’ve never been jealous of anybody in my life (unless you count those Einsteins in school I always got compared to during report card time… but that’s different), I don’t understand why I began to feel this way about her and her brother. Especially because this same inner voice which is now rebuking me for hurting her, had egged me on to behave abusively and caused all the chaos.

That’s true Anita. Though she keeps her feelings concealed, but from whatever I know, her focus since that day has been more on my changed feelings. Even before we had this fight, we were talking pretty normally when she found out about my feelings from our friend, and blocked me on messenger without warning. When I asked her on Facebook, she said she’s considering leaving as some things there depress her. Only after 2-3 days she told me that she sensed what I am feeling, it won’t work out and she did not expect this from me. She’s also extremely hurt that I shared my feelings with our friends. Had it not been for our fight, I don’t feel I’d be feeling this horrible because of my feelings alone. But of course my own focus is on my vile behaviour which hurt her.

Spiritual brother… I’m not sure whether I could’ve called myself that. But yes, “one of a kind” surely fits. I used to feel like, why couldn’t I be her only brother and have a unique place nobody else has? I know it’s selfishness. But ever since she talked to me about the loving bond she shares with her cousin brother, I don’t even understand why my mind slowly went haywire. Others I love as my sisters also have brothers, but I never felt this way for anyone else. The only explanation is, I had developed these romantic feelings (for lack of a better word) for her already and I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. When I saw photos of them hugging each other, I got this insane “get your hands off her!” feeling. I went to her FB profile and spent hours staring at her “family members” section where he was listed as her brother, and I wasn’t. I know she couldn’t do it as she couldn’t risk her family finding out about me, but it still was no less painful.

I kept checking all the time if he was online, and once he was, kept demanding her what she’s doing, why she’s not promptly replying to my messages. If she was offline, I felt she’s chatting with him on FB. If offline there, I felt she must be admiring his photos on Instagram. Later she even told me that on some instances where he was present in person, she was chatting with me despite him wanting to talk to her. She said this to show that she loves me as much and unlike me, he’s not insecure and didn’t start demanding if she doesn’t love him as she isn’t talking, for he knows she does. Despite such wonderful rational explanation by her, I could not stand her loving anyone else as brother. This inner demon did not leave me alone.

All this was before I had accepted that my feelings for her had become romantic and were no longer brotherly. I had a long silly argument with her about why blood relations aren’t everything, and she was saying that blood family always gets priority from everyone. After talking to someone, I realized that the plug was in the wrong socket. Because my feelings were romantic, naturally my primitive instincts felt “threatened” seeing her with a “competitor”. If my feelings were just brotherly, that wouldn’t have happened. I wish I had accepted that long back, so all this could’ve been avoided to a large extent.

I know. If it was indeed just brotherly feelings on my part, I doubt the possessiveness would’ve reached this level seeing her with her own blood brother. I should’ve heeded the signs and accepted the truth right then. But now I am not sure what to do. Even if she forgives me for the fight, she will definitely not accept my feelings; at least not anytime soon. She feels angry and betrayed that I loved her in this manner when she had considered me her brother. She is denying we ever shared anything special or personal in our bond, and seems to feel I misinterpreted some of her words/actions as romantic (which isn’t true). I had said that she doesn’t need to return my feelings and we can at least interact as good friends… but she didn’t reply. I don’t know how to proceed and rebuild our relation, if I’m blessed enough to be forgiven by her someday. Almost feels like a catch-22 situation or something. That still is a far way off as right now she’s completely aloof from me.

I had been hoping to send her a small message today expressing that I am remorseful and care for her, but in light of our friend’s accident, I don’t know if it’s right to do it as we’re all so worried for her.

I know. I guess she knows that in some way too, but now that she knows I have feelings, she is no longer comfortable talking to me. This plus that fight we had… a double issue now. My friends say I should give her time to recover from this and wait patiently for her to be ready to talk again. If I send her something, she may not reply at all, reply with just a curt “thanks” or even my worst fear, tell me directly or indirectly to stay away from her life and never contact her again (her usual way of telling me to be away is “your studies are more important, go and study and forget me”. She kept saying that last month… one reason I’ve started to hate studies). I am afraid my inner demon might again interpret her words forcefully as offensive and the hell breaks loose again. Even now it tells me, “why are you so worried? She must’ve forgotten you and must be happy with her brother and others. You’re a loser and not good enough for her.” I’m tired of this internal dialogue.

I don’t feel it’s of any use keeping that imaginary sight in mind, which will just cause more pain. 🙁 Truthfully, I’m not imagining anything of that sort right now. I just wish we were back on talking terms at least first. Enough to send a good morning/night to each other or something. The rest I can worry about later. I was considering sending her the message via a friend, so she may or may not be quiet. But I don’t feel her reply will be positive either. It hurts whether I try to contact her or stay away. I don’t know what to do.

I know. Even I was thinking the same… or rather my inner voice was saying, why are you persisting when she must be happily enjoying her life, she’s not bothering to talk to you. Give her time and she’ll contact you if she wants, otherwise it’s her choice. But I know that this thinking is wrong because for 3 years she quietly put up with all my misbehavior and only now, after I crossed limits, has she stopped talking. I cannot do the “sour grapes” thing, pretending it’s her choice when in fact I caused it, that too the most prized relation in my life after my parents. Also, the male in any relation is expected to be confident, understanding and assertive; I’ve been none of those. It truly is a really tough situation with both action and inaction being painful… the latter most definitely.