You bet. She’s immature and not trying to put aside her preconceived notions and understand what I’m trying to say. I guess her sister is affirming her confirmation bias and that’s elevating this issue. I just tried to clear this issue and tried to make her understand I’ve pushed away my feelings for her and that I genuinely care for her. At least she’s not sent me any negative reply, which she probably would’ve done if she decisively wanted to leave me… hopefully a small solace. I did what I could. Just praying for the best.

Regarding the exam, nothing is certain. I really don’t like the idea of leaving my country but if there’s no other option left, I may have no choice. Let’s see what happens. It’s just terrible that we study a whole year only to see this happen. Just feeling extremely down and depressed at the moment due to the cumulative effect of everything. Everything has only went from bad to worse for me this year so far. Thanks a lot for the support, Anita.

Thanks Anita. I know… I just tried my best to make her understand. I know that beneath that immaturity is a caring and gentle heart, and I just hope she eventually understands. I can only pray for the best. For what it’s worth, the court has reversed its decision of cancelling our exam after protests. So I’m just continuing my preparation. Not able to sleep at night due to bad dreams and anxiety, just wish I can overcome that for now.

She messaged this: (the rest of it was just repeated from last time)
“I can’t take this. You know I don’t like certain things and what I came to know about your feelings, including you asking if I’m comfortable with you, made me understand what you’re thinking. I know what (our mutual friend) told me was what he understood you felt. We may not have been on formal terms, but we weren’t so informal for you to get wrong feelings. I have no anger on you as I don’t keep anything in mind. If you want, you may message me anytime on FB but not related to this.”

My reply – “The *certain things* in question involve me being a pervert and lustful beast, if I’m not mistaken? I’m sorry, sis. I cannot stop you making theories about my feelings, altering facts to suit your views and holding whatever beliefs you do. But you should know they don’t change the truth. I may have committed the “sin” of loving you more than a sister, but I know why I did it and my heart knows it wasn’t out of vile intention. If you want to believe it’s lust, I can’t change your views. Please don’t message me unless you put aside your preconceived beliefs and try to look beyond them. I love you always, no matter what you think of me and I pray everything will be right eventually. Take care.”

I hope my reply was not harsh, Anita? 🙁 I did not want to hurt her or write anything like that. If accepting everything as my fault could solve it, I’d gladly do it. But I don’t know why she’s feeling I had perverted thoughts and I only wanted to ask her to put aside her preconceived notions and think honestly, as the discussion is pointless unless she does it. I hope she did not take my message wrongly… I was not angry or upset, just trying to make her understand but reading it now, I’m feeling afraid. I cried half the day and could not study at all.

I actually merged two different messages of hers in the above post for convenience. Regarding contact on Facebook, I just told her that I’m not there now and we can talk on Whatsapp if its ok with her. I do feel that just any contact will probably be of little use until the misunderstandings between us are cleared, and she understands that I did not mean things the way she’s thinking.

My reply was for the perversion allegations alone. I hope I did not go overboard with that? I already am feeling guilty for the March fiasco and didn’t want to be harsh, just wanted to get the message to her.

Yes Anita. Honestly speaking, I don’t care whether the accusations are unreasonable or whether they hurt me. I’ve wronged her far, far more and she had to put up with much more horrible stuff from me. I would gladly accept everything as my fault but I don’t know how it’s going to solve this issue. I hope she did not take my “please don’t message” part as wanting to break contact/relations… I only wanted to say that discussion is useless until she tries to understand what I’m saying. She’s not replied yet. I don’t know what to do. Feeling really dreadful.

I know Anita. I’ve always hoped to put aside my ego and not care about being accused. But it does feel bad when it comes from someone you love so much. I hope I can change that. Maybe I can write a poem for her and send on FB, apologizing if she felt bad due to my message. I’m just tired of this situation, of my studies, exams and everything. I’m tired of my life itself… I want a break from everything, I just wish I could be anybody else but me.

That’s very true. That is the reason I started participating in the online forum and found a whole new family. I discovered inner talents I didn’t even know I had. From the oddball everyone mocked in school, I became a beloved brother to so many people. I found her, someone I love more than my own life. Now, as a result of this fiasco, that world seems lost to me and has left me with even more pain and misery than before. That coupled with this exam trouble, no wonder my life has become a living hell.

My parents just keep repeating this same thing… “get selected in the exam and we’ll give you freedom, you will get anything you want then. But first, selection.” That selection seems a distant holy grail right now.