Hi Tinybuddha Community,

The posts on this forum have always brought me solace whenever I feel low. But right now, I am in a very weird place emotionally and I really need your advice on what to do.

My boyfriend (now ex) of more than a year moved to a different country due to work during the beginning of our relationship. He comes back every 2 months and we overall had a very happy and fun relationship. The usual cute couple stuff, skype dates, fights, gifts, constant communication, excitement to see each other etc etc.

Recently,  immediately after he went  to his work country, it’s like he became a completely different person. He wouldn’t text or talk to me, wouldn’t reply to the memes I sent him,  kept ignoring my calls and kept saying he doesn’t want to have any social interaction with anyone. I was going through a very tough time at work and really needed his support, however he become emotionally absent in the relationship. I had no experience of dealing with something like this withdrawal before and lashed out at him(something I regret right now! I wish I had handled this differently) . In the end, things became so bad, both of us decided to end the relationship.

We were not in contact with each other for more than 15 days after that. However, I reached out to him recently because I was worried about him. Once on a call, when we were discussing how both of us were handling the separation, his voice was so pained, I had to make up an excuse and cut the call to cry. I couldn’t handle how much pain he seemed to be in and how much he had emotionally withdrawn. I also realized my emotions are too dependent on his emotions and I have to mindfully learn how to detach myself when talking to him, so I can help him and still take care of my emotions. I’ve been trying to do that for the past 15 days.

We now text once or twice a day, all initiated by me and he would just send a one line response. I see him online on social media though, but that doesn’t bother me. I think any social interaction would be good for him right now. I try to call him at least once a week and hear his voice to see if he is feeling a little bit better. Once on a call, after a little more probing he said he doesn’t love himself right now, so he cannot even think of loving me. He said its a phase and he’ll deal with it himself, saying I wouldn’t be happy with him when he’s like this. I tried persuading him to try and seek help from a professional and to which he has reluctantly agreed to. I don’t think he would go though. But I think him just agreeing to think about help, is progress. Although he has not yet come out and called it “depression”.

I don’t know how else to deal with this situation. I cannot completely cut him off because he was also my best friend and it hurts knowing he is going through something like this. I want to help him but I also know its him that can help himself more than anyone else. It feels like my life has been turned upside down because we had plans to get married by next year and I had never thought we would go through something like this.

Do you think I should stop texting/calling and completely give him space to heal or I should continue texting him once/twice a day. Maybe he might feel better. I am going to see him again in July, 2019.

How else can I help him while also taking care of my emotional well being? I still love him very much and I know deep down he does too. Relationship or no relationship, I just want him to be okay.

Please Advise.

– Tatertots123